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THEMAGICALMYSTRYOFPOEMS
New Member

since 2004-04-01

Posts 9
arizona

0 posted 2004-04-12 03:34 PM

A CRYING ANGEL

Where are you
My soul can't reach you
On my god, where are you

I am so scared
There is no meaning now
I need you, I am so lost

I don't know where
All these empty roads lead

Time is breaking my heart
Your the only one
That holds the truth
To all my moments

I can't see the mountains anymore
I can't find heaven now

All I can feel are the
Teardrops in my heart

I feel my soul, sliding down to die
Why are you making, this Angel cry

wings of the moon
Member

since 2003-03-27

Posts 323
Pink bubblegum land

1 posted 2004-04-12 06:13 PM

I'll try to be as gentle as possible, take this as helpful criticism, not an attack in anyway on you...

First I feel that by choosing "angel" as a theme word you put yourself in a difficult position: its hard not to make it turn into teenage angst/cliche poetry.

If you could cut down on the unnecessary parts, such as questions

"Where are you
My soul can't reach you
On my god, where are you"

and maybe instead concentrate on "why" your sould can't reach him/her, what is that sense of loss like? Show, but don't tell.

a line that confused me too is this one :

"Why are you making, this Angel cry"

are you that angel?

At the moment, there is nothing special with this poem, because it doesn't feel personal, I feel you have borrowed words/expressions/cliches from elsewhere. But you can make this poem special and personal. What makes this loss different for YOU specifically. Bring to us, the reader, something we didn't know about you.

I hope this has been of some help and hasn't downhearted you in anyway. I know there's a poet's voice down there just waiting to spring out and, after all, you've posted this on the critical analysis board...you were warned...

claire xx

Always Lisa
Member

since 2003-06-08

Posts 133

2 posted 2004-04-12 06:48 PM

This poem had nothing to offer this reader except for a certain amount of cheese and rant that took no skill to write, Can it be fixed? I won't even go there.

Regards,
Always Lisa

croyles
Member

since 2004-01-27

Posts 102

3 posted 2004-04-18 07:13 AM

Im gonna be rough with ja, so be warned, its no personal attack.

Title: Try to avoid cliches as MUCH AS YOU CAN!!!

Where are you            (Need some more language everywhere)
My soul can't reach you  (Ok......)
On my god, where are you  (Leave "oh my god" out,
        and maybe write "where are you" a bit differently)

Repetition of lines, stresses or words is famous in poetry, yet when its done with no meter and childish language, just makes it worse, so think what you are gonne do with "oh may god, where are you?"

I am so scared           (The great thing about poetry is that people NEVER directly tell how they are feeling, you can convey your feelings through imagery and meter to change the tone (e.g. sad, happy, lonely))
There is no meaning now   (No meaning? you mean no meaning to your life?)
I need you, I am so lost  (Bad bad line)

I don't know where          (Is this stanza supposed to be some kind of hidden meaning? Like "roads" to the future? Anyhow it failed to interest me; use all my earlier critique)
All these empty roads lead

Time is breaking my heart  (TIME is breaking your heart? As much as I think its great that your using personification, I think its bad that your using one that makes no sense what so ever - even in poetic sense)
Your the only one
That holds the truth  (The truth to your moments? what is that supposed to mean?)
To all my moments

I can't see the mountains anymore
I can't find heaven now            (URGH, makes me sick.)

All I can feel are the
Teardrops in my heart    (URRRGGGHH, very sickening)

I feel my soul, sliding down to die
Why are you making, this Angel cry   (So your the Angel?????? Uhuh......)

It wasnt great critiquq i know, but at least i wrote some.

cynicsRus
Senior Member

since 2003-06-06

Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!

4 posted 2004-04-18 02:28 PM

I think the consensus is: Move on to another idea.
Put this one aside; hide it away somewhere. Maybe use it as a bookmark--inside one of those books, on the upper shelves, that will never get read again. It's clearly not worth redoing.

Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com
www.primetimerhyme.com

If you must carp: Carpe diem!
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