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Critical Analysis #2
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Side Effects
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Side Effects |
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Penomous Verson Junior Member
since 2004-04-09
Posts 20NY |
Side Effects I went to see the doctor, for a phobia of getting sick And he prescribed a drug guaranteed to have me fixed The fixture was a mixture of everything I needed Happy to take it down, the directions now I’m reading For your comfort and concerns, know this before swallowing Most patients will experience one or more of the following: Red-eyes and a fever, drowsiness, the flu, Achy knees, bad breath and armpits full of goo, Loss of hair and dandruff, stinky feet and gums Chronic diarrhea, constipation and the runs Swollen knuckles, jaundice, dizziness and a drip All the way from your testicles to your penis tip Excess loss of weight, shrinkage, exclamation Of the nipples due to male hormonal menstruation Dyslexia and euphoria, vertigo and sharp Pains inside your chest from worms inside your heart Bleeding of the lungs, kidney stone infections, Discolored urine and violent shaking of the rectum Suicidal thoughts from depression, and severe Paranoia, or the loss of hearing in one ear Liver failure, cancer, bone decay and next, One In every two patients sometimes experience DEATH! Quickly cured, there was no more complaining from this Patient and the only side effect I developed is a healthy fear of medication! *critique it, praise it, curse it, whatever.. im all ears* |
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| © Copyright 2004 Penomous Verson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
Firstly i think the capitalized Death is unnecessary, it looks cliche, overworked and out of place, keep it in small print as a part of the poem. Much more effective to underplay it... There is no regularity in your metre that i can decipher, so why use rhyme? I understand it works with the whole light-hearted jokey approach, but this is just like anytging i could read on one of those kitten posters. If this is all you're aspiring for then fine. As it's kind its good. I think. But i rather enjoy this idea of taking the side effects and fear of medication and i wish you'd approached it differentely. maybe more soberly, or with free verse that's rhyme free.... Hope none of this came across as rude, it's just rather simply my opinion and you asked for a crit... "more than yesterday, less than tomorrow, i love you" |
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