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ChemicalRepose
Member

since 2004-03-28

Posts 102

0 posted 2004-04-08 06:34 AM

I have swallowed the product to be me
and survive on my new found treason.

Trickle down this mountains frown.
Dampen this old moss to fill this crevice,
and forge across these shallow waters to decant these delusions
and cleanse my decadence.

I'm too weak and too fake,
too immersed to lie.
I'm too bleak and too feeble to care.
Too weary and too dreary to share any more tears.

Sweeping overcasts.

My shadow's corroding now.
Shackled to this lightning, and I'm feeling kind of bored again,
waiting for this storm to end.
Silence is pounding
as the hawk circles haunting like the phantom.
Meddling without compassion,
trifling, now the passage is severing and shattering.
I'm falling in between, so carefully fill this chasm, and let me free.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 2007-10-13 06:29 PM

I was looking at some earlier stuff and found this.

Obviously, this could be better (what couldn't?), but I like that first line and few others after that.

Have no idea why it had no comments.

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

2 posted 2007-10-15 07:15 PM

Brad, I like this one too.

But how can you tell it could be better ?

Maybe when he’s out of rehab, he’ll come talk to us.

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

3 posted 2007-10-17 10:22 AM

“But how can you tell it could be better ?”

I never miss the (Antique Road show) and often they have an item that is so, one of a kind, they can not put a estimated price on it.

That is the way I see this poem, it is so unique , how can you know that it could be better.

Before, a purest tells me that, it is either unique or it’s not . I think a three headed cow is more unique than a two headed cow.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

4 posted 2007-10-17 10:35 AM

quote:
I'm too weak and too fake,
too immersed to lie.
I'm too bleak and too feeble to care.
Too weary and too dreary to share any more tears.

Because this is not unique. 10 variations on '2' in four lines. 'weak','bleak','feeble'//'weary','dreary', 'tears'

I see no reason for this except writer exhaustion. It happens to all of us, I just see no reason to keep it in the poem.

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

5 posted 2007-10-17 10:53 AM

“Because this is not unique. 10 variations on '2' in four lines. 'weak','bleak','feeble'//'weary','dreary', 'tears'“

Brad, excuse me I see what you mean ; but I thought the poet was deliberately doing that.

"Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary,"

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

6 posted 2007-10-17 06:28 PM

Then I would suggest quoting from Poe directly.

Disclosure: I am not a Poe fan.

chopsticks
Senior Member

since 2007-10-02

Posts 888
The US,

7 posted 2007-10-17 07:18 PM

I am a Poe fan, We hung out in the same neighborhood in Baltimore.

I guess I was just trying to make some crazy point by bringing Poe into the equation .

Btw, thanks for your comments on the Mystery . What I said about Essorant was absolutely true . I didn’t have a clue .

When I went to school they hadn’t invented poetry yet..

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