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Show and Tell
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Show and Tell |
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Always Lisa Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 133
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Show and Tell Show him all those photos when I lived to write Tell him how my sprite burned a bit too bright. Show him words of plain and out of sort to some... Death can be a need to make a person numb. Tell him that the poet feels a bit too deep Show him lines that lock in words for him to keep. Tell him that my season was a passing thought. Show him all my words that stood for depth I've fought. Tell him that the spring gives birth and new days dawn Show him how to love his life when I am gone. Always Lisa, copyright April 2004 |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
You know, I rather like this. It has nice flow and a certain darkness without being overdone. I do have a couple of nits though. "words of plain" doesn't fit IMO. The problem is "of." I think the thought needs an adverb instead of a preposition. The rhyme on L4 seems a little forced. The punctuation could stand some attention. In fact, every line technically is a complete sentence yet you have scattered periods seemingly at random. That brings up another point. Each line standing alone gets boring after a while. I would really like to see a little enjambment or at least some run-on thoughts. Thanks, Pete |
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