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Critical Analysis #2
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Perpetual Endurance
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Perpetual Endurance |
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ChemicalRepose Member
since 2004-03-28
Posts 102 |
Shadows cast a gleam these deceptions I feel mingling watching you frivolously scaling my skeleton and the shedding of my flesh begins Mephitic winds stalking the baffler trifling to invoke then embody this transient rabble Trying to sigh away and revoke this desperate life but I'm sinking and suffocating toiled and gasping as I approach the vertex The mask of clouds no longer decorating The vestige of your stigma flashing feebly illuminating in despair The twinkling shrine straining my eyes Her womb shrouding and suffocating masticating to swallow my unveiled verities Fulminating horizons collapsing saturating the null with her belligerence grinning with ignorance |
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| © Copyright 2004 Ben - All Rights Reserved | |||
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croyles Member
since 2004-01-27
Posts 102 |
Very vivid; gets a lot pictures across with as little words as possible. Maybe a bit more punctuation would help to get the meaning across a little clearer? Im no pro, and even if i was; in the end you should listen to yourself. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
As in your last attempt, many of the metaphors make no sense. It will take more than punctuation to improve this. I would suggest a bit more simplification—too many colorful adjectives competing for attention. Often, the best approach is to try and paint a picture more easily discernable by the rest of us—hoi polloi. As it stands it looks like a college freshman picked random words out of the Thesaurus to impress the Prof. quote: None of us here are really pros. If we were, we’d hardly be looking to other non-pros on a common internet poetry site for advice. But, many of us have improved over the months and years by listening to those with a bit more substantive advice to offer—rather than ourselves. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com www.primetimerhyme.com If you must carp: Carpe diem! ICS |
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
I believe that the abrupt line breaks aren't helping your poem at all, and rather, are distracting from your complex language. Lengthening the lines will likely help it flow. |
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croyles Member
since 2004-01-27
Posts 102 |
Yes thats right. Also, it seemed you looked up a lot of smart words for things in a TheSaurus or whatnot, dont over do it, its better if you just stick to your own original and colourful language, but make it colourful enough for yourself to enjoy if you like. EDIT: I just noticed after i posted this that i basicly repeat what cynicsrus said, sorry, didnt know you wrote that. |
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myanocsk New Member
since 2004-04-08
Posts 3 |
plath used a thesaurus rampidly. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
quote: There's a brand I hadn't heard of. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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