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Critical Analysis #2
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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Katy Rose Junior Member
since 2003-11-25
Posts 13 |
Your fingertips trace Mona Lisa brilliance on my skin. Your touch is soft as newborn baby’s breath. Soul sick I kiss your lips to steal your secrets, Womb soothed I pour myself into the vessel of your arms. I cannot turn away from this exotic art of melting. Though my sweet boy is calling from the dawn. Where can I inject my poison in the day? Where can I prowl and hunt and kill? This night must be the Eve of something new, and strange as light. My life is bleeding past its boarders. This garden is a gift of folded roses, wet and red. Why do I dream of death in Eden? The colours of this dream are bright and sharp and staining. You look at me with painted eyes and smiles. You told me we both thrived on poison darling. Why are the roses sweating blood? I’m lost. I never thought I could be. The rainbow’s promise is false. |
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| © Copyright 2004 Katy Rose - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
I have no nits to pick on the poem - I'll let the more learned heads do that. I do wonder, though, what was your source of inspiration for this? I'm really interested in knowing that, please! |
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
This poem has amazing potential and beautiful, fresh images. I have only a few things to critique. "strange as light" - this is an interesting comparison, but somewhat ambiguous. Why is light strange? In what way? These questions have many answers. I think what you would lose in brevity by altering this line you would regain in clarity and precision. "You look at me with painted eyes and smiles." - just a typo I'm sure, but 'smiles' should be singular. "Why are the roses sweating blood?" - I'm going to assume this was intended to be a Biblical allusion, so if it wasn't, please disregard this. This is a false allusion, because Christ in the garden of Gethsemane did not sweat blood, but rather sweat "drops like blood." However, the popular conception is the incorrect version, so you are tapping into the common belief about this passage. (This misconception is one of my pet peeves; you just happened to hit upon it). "I’m lost. I never thought I could be. The rainbow’s promise is false." - I"m pretty darn sure this is part of the poem, but because you placed it two lines down instead of one, I"m not completely convinced of this. I like these two lines here, but the top one could use some work. The structure and style doesn't really match the rest of your poem and sticks out because of its unusual punctuation and stark wording. Of course, that may be your intention. Great job, and thanks for the input my latest poem in this forum. |
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J.Samm Member
since 2004-01-12
Posts 415Iloilo City, Philippines |
i like the way you used the words...i especially loved this part:Why are the roses sweating blood? |
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Katy Rose Junior Member
since 2003-11-25
Posts 13 |
Hey all. Thanks for your comments on this poem. It wasn't an easy one to share and as always any advice is helpful when it comes to revising the poem. As to my inspiration.. well without going into too much detail I guess this poem is about a point in my life where I was feeling utterly restless and reckless, and I ended up doing something that ultimately just left me feeling more confused and lost. This is probably one of my most personal poems so I will leave the explanation there if that's ok! I do find poetry incredibly theraputic though and it does sometimes help me to make sense of the craziness of life! Thanks again for taking the time to comment for me. |
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