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Critical Analysis #2
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The Lost Poems
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Lost Poems |
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Craw Member
since 2003-09-11
Posts 73Scotland |
I have come back to Mull for the poems that were lost here; overboard from the Lochinvar, buried in landslips, left in telephone boxes, torn to pieces and somersaulting in the wind. I am in sore need of them now, for they were born of bright agonies before they slipped away: death, love, betrayal. All these years they have been dancing on the shore like little fawns. I will set foot on Mull tonight and they will be waiting for me by the tree-line at twilight, wearing the faces I had, dark, fine and hard. |
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
Sorry i don't have time for a detailed critique. However, two lines jumped out at me. "I am in sore need of them now": by reverting to a cliche, you stop the poetic flow of language you have established. As well, "they have been dancing on the shore like little fawns": this borders on mixed metaphor, because deer don't live on beaches. Not that this is a bad technique, but this particular example doesn't jive with me. ~S |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
I’d have to hesitate in calling L8 clichéd, considering there just aren’t very many ways for the author to express deep longing for such specific things—I could be wrong on this point, but the line just didn’t bother me. “…dancing on the shore like little fawns.” is more accurately a simile; according to Webster, “A figure of speech in which one thing is likened to another dissimilar thing…” Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I have to agree with Sid on L8. It really doesn't seem cliched to me either. I do find the wording a little awkward though, maybe just a little klunky. I think, but not sure, the problem may be the passive nature of it. Compare: I am in sore need of them now, and I sorely need them now, I don't suggest this as an alternative, only an example. Pete |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I liked this one. One, I love that island name -- Mull. Two, it seems a pretty good example of a poem conversing with the silence around it. My only suggestion is that you might want a slightly different simile than 'fawn' -- some mythical creature with a stronger undercurrent of treachery. Perhaps the beginning of a series of poems? |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
I believe that fawn does have an image of treachery? Only it needs to be spelled 'faun'...hoofed creatures whom you can't quite trust? Quick look at the dictionary - Rural diety represented as a man with goat's ears, horns, tail and hindlegs. Doesn't say anything about treachery per se, but from I remember reading of them, they were mystical and unstable beings. Fawn is different from faun however. I, too, love the name 'Mull' and I also agree that ln8 is not cliched - rather it is matter of fact and reads like a statement. It is that that might break up the build up in poeticism. But I think it works myself. Bright agonies - now that's something I have heard before. Craw, is that a reference to anything in particular? Another touch I really like. The one line that I do have a problem is the 'death, love, betrayal' line. I think it hardens that focus of the poem too much. It's also tautological with the 'bright agonies' line. I'd consider removing it. Well done, Craw, this was a very good read.  K |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Craw, enjoyed this.. though the faun imae instead of fawn does suit my fancy as well... "torn to pieces and somersaulting in the wind." these lines too would seem to benifit from the addition of a word perhaps such as "left' in front of somersaulting. As it read due to the punctuation I stumbled with this as in incomplete image... may just be me..lol.. lord knows I am brain dead these days.. |
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Grover Senior Member
since 2004-01-27
Posts 1967London, ON, Canada |
Enjoyed this very much!  |
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
I do realize that the line in question about the fawns/fauns is technically a simile, as it contains the word "like", but there is no such thing as a "mixed simile" and therefore "mixed metaphor" will have to suffice. |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
I've been mulling over what to say to critique this poem, but other than to say I'd stick with the fawns, beautiful and full of potential, I have nothing. Don't want to be seen as a fawning fan, but perhaps I am, it seems tight and well worked out, covers a lot of ground efficiently, mature perspective; ah hell, I loved it |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
Whether they be dancing on the shore or atop a telephone pole, it is the image of "dancing fawns" that provokes one’s imagination. Likewise with the “torn pieces somersaulting in the wind” There are mostly excellent lines in this all too short piece, i.e., “born of bright agonies”. I simply could not see anything deserving criticism. No nits worth picking. As in previous poems, Craw presents a well controlled cadence that makes for an easy read, along with vivid imagery that compels the reader to explore the subtle textures within every line. Unlike so much of the wilted salad tossed onto this and countless similar sites, he posts carefully thought out, compelling pieces that this reader is only too happy to scrutinize if merely to attempt to emulate. But of course, this is only my opinion. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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Craw Member
since 2003-09-11
Posts 73Scotland |
thanks for feedback. I was looking for a gaelic/highland voice so the rhythm might have suffered a bit. I like fawns - your lost poems are always wee, and playful, and just out of reach. Deer do go down to the shoreline, you know. Unhappily, though I was back in Mull a fortnight ago, the lost poems stayed out of sight, as usual. |
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