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Critical Analysis #2
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Untitled - Any advice would be a big help...
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Untitled - Any advice would be a big help... |
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Katy Rose Junior Member
since 2003-11-25
Posts 13 |
He is young this boy, and he climbs the stairs in the shallow light of a summer’s day dusk. This is the underwater temple of his choice and he is as perfect as a priest, singleminded and apart. Life will not touch him now. It is closed up between heavy covers, and contained within neat boxes. They mean nothing. His own spreading, leaking, contaminating despair too, finally confined within a small, blank envelope. He never realised it was so small. He is higher now. This air is not for breathing anyway. It is heavy with too much knowledge, and it settles like stone upon the living; the horror of Pompeii. But the damn light persists; sweet smelling, lemony soft. And Wrong, wrong, wrong. Like the faintest of mockerys. It falls in floods at his feet and tempts him. This is the pinnacle then, space and silence. He stands in this monument to words and wisdom and he thinks about his mother. Her pain cannot be written down. When he imagines her she is already crying for her son. He is sorry but it cannot be helped. He opens the window and the world comes rushing in. Polluting his sacred place with the shouts of children and birds, sex and laughter and the smell of summer. It bruises him, all this life. Even this high up it reaches him, caresses him, pulls out his heart. His body cannot withstand it. It was never a strong enough vessel to carry his pain. He leans forward. The world is still beautiful. He falls. I am downstairs, lost in the smell of sweet cut grass and the promise of paradise that drifts through the open window. I check books in and out. I smile at people. I admire my golden, sun saturated skin. And when my shift is over I walk outside and with almost no surprise at all, I see your broken body on the ground. Your pain is leaking everywhere. Blood and vomit. You are finally emptying yourself for real. We never met but I am sorry for your eyes and your lips and your twisted legs. I start to cry because the summer evening smells rotten now, sickly sweet. You could have been wrong. We could have fallen in love. |
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| © Copyright 2004 Katy Rose - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Welcome to CA Katy. I see a few problems here The main one, however, is wordiness. This just reads like prose and it even looks like prose too. You have given far too much information that never really adds much of value. Then you have used too many words to describe each of those pieces of information. In fact, I was so everloaded that I really missed the impact of what appears to me to be an ironic turn at the end. I do think that last stanza (or paragraph maybe) could be pretty powerfull were it not so overpowered by the lead in. JMHO, Pete |
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Grover Senior Member
since 2004-01-27
Posts 1967London, ON, Canada |
A title is very necessary. Get one now. One that ties in with the poem. Then begin to structure your poem. Example: TITLE he is young, this boy climbs stairs in shallow light of a summer’s day dusk. this is the underwater temple of his choice he is as perfect as a priest singleminded and apart. life will not touch him now-- closed up between heavy covers-- contained within neat boxes. they mean nothing. his own spreading leaking contaminating despair-- finally confined within a small blank envelope. he never realised it was so small. *First off I'm not a true poet, I don't know much about meter etc. I am not trying to write your poem for you and I may be way off on what/where you are trying to emphasize. The point is, word economy and clarity-- even if the poem is multi-layered, metaphorical. P.S. You've got some very good images here! |
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
A good start, Katy. I agree completely with Not A Poet on this matter. Poetry is about choosing words very very carefully. Some famous poets have spent days or even weeks searching for just the right poem. As for structure, you've really written sentences instead of lines. Poets typically don't use conventional punctuation, and when they do, its for a reason. I disagree with Grover, however. A title sometimes comes first, and sometimes comes last. I'm sure most of us have written titles either way, including myself of course, so there are no hard and fast rules at all regarding this. Keep writing. It's the only guaranteed way to improve. I look forward to reading your next poem. |
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J.Samm Member
since 2004-01-12
Posts 415Iloilo City, Philippines |
cutting lines into smaller thoughts or fragments of ideas would really help. this can help emphasize the concepts you want to highlight. keep on writing! welcome to piptalk!  |
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Always Lisa Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 133 |
I wouldn't take any of the advice given thus far as to how to make this worthy of being a poem. Not that the advice given wasn't good advice, I don't think that you're ready for it. What you have here (in part) is a short story and words that try to sound poetic. You're stuck in the middle of the poetic world (sounding poetic) and the world of short story. I'm inclined to surmise that you've written your fair share of short stories and in an effort to write poetry, you're having a difficult time leaving the short story mode behind. Why? Because you don't own (or own many) the tools of a poet. Only you yourself can find your way from north to south. It's done by study and owning the gift of words. It's done while holding strong to a love for words. I know this because I was once you. You seem to be reaching big and so I believe that you have it in you to take on this art (poetry) Hold strong to your words, study and I'd bet good money that we'll be seeing some really impressive things from you in the future. I saw the sprite of a poet filled with promise in your words. Good luck and happy writing. Regards, Always Lisa |
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Katy Rose Junior Member
since 2003-11-25
Posts 13 |
Hi all. I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to reply and advise me on this poem. I suspect that I am kind of hampered when writing my own poetry by having been trained to appreciate all literature in a particular way for the last four years. My background is more in prose writing and some of the advice you all gave was extremely helpful - this poem is currently under revision and I hope to repost it at some point. Thanks again. |
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