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| How to Join | Member's Area | Private Library | Search | Sanctuary | Login | |
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| Main Forums | Discussion | Tech Talk | Mature Content | Archives |
A home without a wall, |
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| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Now [3-liner] |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Now begun A stretch under the sun Now is done. [This message has been edited by Essorant (02-03-2004 12:53 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2004 Essorant - All Rights Reserved | |||
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
stetch? |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Ok...Ess pulls out words from time to time...so I checked the dictionary just to make sure lol... I don't see a stetch in there...so it really must be 'stretch' (which does make sense) but honestly? To me, this poem is a stretch... it just doesn't.....gel?  K |
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Michelle_loves_Mike
since 2003-12-20
Posts 1189Pennsylvania |
oopsy on the typo,,,,,,not good in critical,,,,,,I dig the gist of the words tho Michelle I wish all could find the true happiness I have found,,in the eyes of Mike |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Who ever you are that has tampered with my poem, please put the "r" back right now. |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
But now's here Forever my dear and never done.  I like it!  Although it would look better with the "R". |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
All right. Who took the R? |
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Grover Senior Member
since 2004-01-27
Posts 1967London, ON, Canada |
I very much like the profound, simplistic imagery of your poem. It really is quite artistic! [however, i first read it as "SKETCH."] Grover. |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
You all are so optimistic. I interpolated it originally as "stench". A reflection of my worldveiw I guess. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Somebody needs to find that R  |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Another Attempt: Now but begun A stretching under sun Now is undone. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Yeah, but now it sounds too pat... nice little rhymes...dum de da...la la la..sort of thing.. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I think I like the original better too, especially since you got your R back Same rhymes as before but it seems to have lost its spontaniety. |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
The important lesson here is we all need to protect our arse. :-) |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
ROFLMAO |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Say what prayer, amulet or gear may shield one's arse from Severn's spear? Who may escape it where it flies what arse ever out run her eyes? Has sunray pierced fathom so deep? has dream dug so far down in sleep? wounds are merry when Beauty sends woe is wellsome, and ache amends [This message has been edited by Essorant (02-03-2004 09:53 PM).] |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Er..that's not so pat.... |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Now Ess...I'm liking your second verse within this post... put THAT one up, see how it plays. |
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chinadude89 Junior Member
since 2004-02-03
Posts 31Texas |
first a missing R, ("THIEF!"), now a new verse to go with it. Me like! I think that people (except for the author of their poem) should have access to the edit/delete icon doncha think? I am a member of www.poetrypoem.org (where i got my homepage at) and the maker of this site should do that, i really think so, that way you don't have to worry about tamperere's. but overall i like the poem. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hi Chinadude...welcome  The only members who have access to the edit function for a post are the post originators, forum moderators and site administrators... K |
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thinktwice Member
since 2003-12-23
Posts 125United States |
i give you props for doing the three liner. i didn't think you quite pulled it off though. it was good, don't get me wrong. i just thought it didn't have the lasting effect one hopes a shorter, one verse poem could have. i think you were onto something though, i think a few more verses may solve your problem. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
But then it wouldn't be a three-liner, would it? |
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chinadude89 Junior Member
since 2004-02-03
Posts 31Texas |
no it woulodn't be a 3-liner. its actually prettty good just the way it is. "Changing what is meant to be, changing yourself to be like the cool, means killing the self-being, and killing yourself" Phil. Phil |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
The problem is that 'now' is describing two different events... is it begun and done simultaneously? That's hard to swallow. Maybe 'Once begun' or something else to start out with? I dunno... I also got the gist of time flies with this and I don't really see it being rpesented in a new, or interesting, or fresh way... there's no real spin I can get into here. Hope I've helped. |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
The delibrate original poem is overshadowed in this case by Essorant's (presumably) spontaneous later effort with Severn as his "target". That really came across as raw, humorous, without artifice, and skillful. Too bad outside this string of posts it would be meaningless. To harness that energy for a wider audience would be E's challenge. |
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