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wintertao
Member

since 2003-11-17

Posts 366
Okaloosa Island, FL

0 posted 2004-02-01 11:37 AM

she carries an easel on her back
a machine gun of dreams in a sack

    pictorial scenes
    a sundial leans
    a graveyard full of screams

shooting with eyelash's of brown
the paintings fall to the ground

moon monorail runs thru my eyes
and takes her off in the skies

~

cynicsRus
Senior Member

since 2003-06-06

Posts 591
So Cal So Cool!

1 posted 2004-02-01 01:59 PM

Tao,
I really enjoyed the imagery in this short piece, especially the second line.

I’m thinking it would flow smoother by eliminating all the inert fillers such as:
L1, “an”,
L2, “a”
L6, “of” (That should be eyelashes, no?)
L7, “the”. (I would also use “falling” to help smooth it further).
L9, “and”. This, furthermore, sounds a bit awkward to me. How about, “…launches her into…”?
For what it's worth,

Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com
www.primetimerhyme.com

wintertao
Member

since 2003-11-17

Posts 366
Okaloosa Island, FL

2 posted 2004-02-01 02:17 PM

thanks for taking the time to read/reply - the eyelashes good call - probably needs to be changed - tnnx !

some of the "filler" words can be cut I agree...

although some can not :

L1
she carries [an] easel on her back

remove the an...and it doesn't sound good or make sense

glad to see you here, I hope the critique room will become more active, I, you, grover, the mods and others are trying....

Grover
Senior Member

since 2004-01-27

Posts 1967
London, ON, Canada

3 posted 2004-02-01 02:54 PM

A beautiful poem! Grover.

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

4 posted 2004-02-01 10:06 PM

a machine gun of dreams?

This didn't make any sense to me... the imagery seems really random and the focus seems to be more on the rhyme and making the words sound pretty... the one solid image I did get... of the artsy chick with something real to say... is pretty cliche anyway.

I don't mean to sound harsh... I mean, it is pretty... but if there's something to get, I don't.

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

5 posted 2004-02-02 01:42 AM

Hey Hush...

I think the machine gun imagery links into an extended metaphor...shoots the paintings etc...

However I have to say (oh and btw Winter - it's very good to see you here)...I think the metaphor is clumsy, and I too agree there's too much emphasis on the rhyme.

Graveyard full of screams? You can do absolutely so much better than that. I'm liking the sundial leans...perhaps you could lose the rhyme in the other two lines and come up with another two active lines...I think they'd work well..

Hum...the last two lines? Er, what? Surreal? A dream? moon monorail? Sounds like a technologically minded nod to Robert Louis Stevenson...

I can see hope in this poem, but think it needs lotsa work..

K

wintertao
Member

since 2003-11-17

Posts 366
Okaloosa Island, FL

6 posted 2004-02-02 12:18 PM

thanks all for reading and taking the time to reply....huuzzzaaahhhhhhh!!!

hush
Senior Member

since 2001-05-27

Posts 1653
Ohio, USA

7 posted 2004-02-03 10:34 AM

I understand that 'machine gun of dreams' is part of the extended metaphor- I'm fine with that. It's the actual concept... a machine gun of dreams is very hard for me to visualize, or even to conceptualize. Is it that the gun is made up of seperate dreams? Or is it simply the gun one has dreamt about more than once? I could kind of see it meaning a rapid succession of dreams which I find more palatable, but to me something like 'machine-gunning dreams' is a little clearer to that extent... but also with the problem of confusion that the dreams are about machine-gunning someone.

which brings me back to my original point- I think this image is pretty troublesome.

colbalt
Junior Member

since 2004-02-03

Posts 20

8 posted 2004-02-03 04:43 PM

Hello, I'm new here and this is my first post. Ummmm... for me, your work seemed to lean towards loss. Of possible death even. I felt that your words held impact and led me towards someone such as a loved one leaving or dying. I like the brush you have chosen to paint with! If there is a revision, then I will be sure to look out for it!

colbalt

gourdmad
Member

since 2003-12-01

Posts 136
Upper Ohio Valley

9 posted 2004-02-03 11:17 PM

how about:

a quiver of dreams in a sack

that maintains the shooting thing later and plays with excitement (aquiver)

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