Can You Take Me There? - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Christopher

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-02

Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

0 posted 2002-06-13 05:22 PM

Can You Take Me There?
©2002 C.G. Ward

I was searching for an answer
somewhere in the middle of a storm
of my own making.
battered, yes - bruised even,
and yet the smile I wore repelled the rage
and stoked internally, the thunder of another age.
it was an age of darkness,
wherein the smatterings of a silence
could broker demons each hand
for a wager of gold fillings
that plucked out my teeth
with the ease of an awl to wormwood.

light up a cigarette and plunder destiny
for all the enjoyment denied a wizard
whose powers could only be measured
by the girth of his misery.

so I thirsted, but blood stains the throat
and breaks the will of even the mightiest
of warriors who though they could
shatter the stone surrounding god -
whom cares nothing for the likes of me.

I was a hooker in tights, waltzing across depravity
as if solace could be bought at face value
and the addition of a wry grin.
living in a sea of madness and monstrosities,
thyme chased away the musty stink
of every apathetic caress that touched my life
to leech pleasure with one hand,
while stroking their fortune with the next.

I used to be immune to the taint of paradox,
but tomorrow and today are no longer conceptual.
they are now, and I am rust in a land of silver.

Tim
Senior Member

since 1999-06-08

Posts 1794

1 posted 2002-06-15 09:28 PM

not much into critique, but girth doesn't feel right, especially in reference to a wizard. Also, the hooker line was a good one, but didn't seem to fit the tone of the poem to me. Other than that, liked the mood and style muchly.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2002-06-18 02:35 PM

Hey Christopher,

I'm a little surprised you haven't received more comments on this one. This is not a style I know much about so I don't have a lot to say but here it is, for what it's worth.

First, I notice you have used punctuation and have capitalized I. It would look better to me if you capitalized the first word of each sentence.

Last line of first stanza, "awl to wormwood." To looks to be the wrong preposition. Maybe in would work better.

Third stanza, seems to have a sentence fragment which leaves me a little confused.

quote:
so I thirsted, but blood stains the throat
and breaks the will of even the mightiest
of warriors who though they could
shatter the stone surrounding god -
whom cares nothing for the likes of me.

The last line is where it sounds wrong. Also, whom probably should be who. Then the punctuation is confusing. I believe you were trying to say something like,

   so I thirsted, but blood stains the throat
   and breaks the will of even the mightiest
   of warriors who[,] though they could
   shatter the stone surrounding god[,]
   care nothing for the likes of me.
Sorry to be so presumptious as to rewrite it for you but I couldn't think of a better to explain what I saw.

Like I said, I don't really know much about this sort of thing but I found it very descriptive and quite enjoyable. You have described a common circumstance in a very uncommon way and made it truly interesting. Nice work.

Thanks,
Pete

Elizabeth Cor
Senior Member

since 2000-10-13

Posts 879
Over the river and through the woods

3 posted 2002-07-06 06:04 PM

'I was searching for an answer
somewhere in the middle of a storm
of my own making.'

signature vagueness. I think it works (as you manage
with so many things that shouldn’t)

'battered, yes - bruised even,'

ahh, the comma king… observe:

battered, yes -- bruised, even

'and yet the smile I wore repelled the rage'

excellent. but lose the ‘and’; it’s redundant in the fist place, and considering it begins
the next line as well… you wouldn’t want to start repeating yourself… oh, wait, look at the next line…

'and stoked internally, the thunder of another age.
it was an age of darkness,'

first of all, the rhyme to rage and age is distracting instead of rhythmic…
same goes for the repetition of the word in the next line… would recommend working around changing the first ‘age’ … or the whole line, as you’re apt to do

'wherein the smatterings of a silence'

erg. melodramatic… the language doesn’t match… ‘wherein’ clashes with ‘smatterings’, and both are jolting to the poem.

'could broker demons each hand
for a wager of gold fillings'

…hmm. is this metaphor a bit weak... in concept or in presentation? I think you need to decide…

'that plucked out my teeth
with the ease of an awl to wormwood.'

again, excellent.

'light up a cigarette and plunder destiny'

in your case, the cigarette reference and ‘plunder’ seem overused…
play with this line…

'for all the enjoyment denied a wizard'

'whose powers could only be measured
by the girth of his misery.'

‘could only be’ you can do better than this… (actually, same goes for the previous line) seems you drifted off of the poetic mark in preference of making a point… but it doesn’t fit…

'so I thirsted, but blood stains the throat'

love.

'and breaks the will of even the mightiest'

again, in your case, overused…

'of warriors who though they could'

‘who though they could’ ~raises eyebrow~

'shatter the stone surrounding god –'

oh, impressive.

'whom cares nothing for the likes of me.'

same reaction as that given ‘could broker’ ‘could only be’ and ‘who thought they could’… see a pattern? You’re mixing bland transitional/active phrases in-between some truly striking imagery… it’s almost painful to see that kind of potential hindered with simple cluttered… and notice that you're switching between 'who' and 'whom'; choose the grammatically happy form and stick with it…

'I was a hooker in tights, waltzing across depravity'

er…

'as if solace could be bought at face value
and the addition of a wry grin.'

great concept… tweak the wording…

'living in a sea of madness and monstrosities,'

oh, cliché …

'thyme chased away the musty stink'

coolies.

'of every apathetic caress that touched my life
to leech pleasure with one hand,
while stroking their fortune'

yes!

'with the next.'

no.

'I used to be immune to the taint of paradox,'

once again, excellent…

'but tomorrow and today are no longer conceptual.'

this could be tightened, but can stay, depending on what you do with the rest…

'they are now,'

what?

'and I am rust in a land of silver.'

this is freaking gorgeous. LOVE this line (to the point of envy).

As always, wondering about the layers to this, and what is your subject, focus, and purpose…
hope this has been of value. there’s promise to this one… if the interest still lingers.

oh… forgot… that title… agh… Chris… this is CA, not Open (but considering your love for the word in this poem, you might consider changing it to 'Could You Take Me There?' heh. sorry. j/k.)

[This message has been edited by Elizabeth Cor (07-06-2002 06:15 PM).]

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.