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Critical Analysis #2

::LEX'S NEW:: Burning...

ascending_ecstasy
Member

since 2004-01-21

Posts 102

0 posted 2004-01-22 02:38 AM

Catch my tear and I'll wake
Sit alone but I'll be there
That's what feeling crowded is
Look at my flower sitting in the bath
It weeps, and blooms my name
I smudge my letter making no mark at all
Can you feel it yet

Fall from the rafters to the roof
Feeling the summer breeze in winter above your feet
Leader sitting on the hill
Feeling rejection

I won't come to you
Force of personal choice betrays
To know you're out there is to worry
But I feel no real pain

I am not pain
It is what you prefer
I am burning
Which you cannot choose to accept.

wintertao
Member

since 2003-11-17

Posts 366
Okaloosa Island, FL

1 posted 2004-01-27 10:35 PM

Look at my flower sitting in the bath
It weeps, and blooms my name

excellent....consider cutting the last 2 lines of the poems.

Grover
Senior Member

since 2004-01-27

Posts 1967
London, ON, Canada

2 posted 2004-01-29 05:04 PM

1.Fall from the rafters to the roof/
2.Feeling the summer breeze in winter above your feet/

#1. One would normally fall from the roof to the rafters.
#2. Too long of a line.

Grover.

Amara
Member

since 2003-02-23

Posts 158
East of the moon, west of the sun.

3 posted 2004-01-30 07:57 PM

"Catch my tear and I'll wake
Sit alone but I'll be there"

Could 'but' in the second line be changed to 'and'? It struck me as sounding...I don't know, it seems to fit a bit better, but that could just be me.

Also, could there be a stanza break after "That's what feeling crowded is"? I'm getting a bit nit-picky, but that's only because there's nothing big to change!

Oh, let's get even more nit-picky:

"I smudge my letter making no mark at all" (It seems to long...it needs to be broken, by puntuation, or a line break.)

"Feeling the summer breeze in winter above your feet" (Same here, except with this one, the meaning is almost lost because it's flow is so disrupted.)

(I don't know if you saw this when I replied to it in Spiritual, so I'll re-post it here just incase.)

Light keep you always,
Amara

It's not only cowardly to run...

...it's futile.

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