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Critical Analysis #2
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Middle Side of Town
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Middle Side of Town |
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lovejunkie Member
since 2003-12-31
Posts 93Indiana |
(I posted this on other forums but im looking for help here. thanks) Middle Side of Town Stigma pushing a cart Pounding the pavement “What does love mean to you…” Coffee with that Blue Rusted spirals Molted feathers Instinctively fragile Rejected, but tempting Nestled between wheels And days of black and White Worn by the notes chords, and hippies. Patchouli Petitions It’s Genius. Change to spare With whipped cream on top Hang me… Near the vinyl Won’t you please Ignore the rain? It’s dirty But it’s a cycle. Somebody’s got to do it. Safety pins Pine for you. Diamonds In the rough, middle side of town Confession in a box Scratch across the floor Head— Bang— To the beautiful sounds. This is my answer, to every question. You’ll never ask. "All you need is love..." -The Beatles |
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| © Copyright 2004 steph - All Rights Reserved | |||
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
quote: And also, I suppose, the answer to every question the reader will ask, after attempting to follow the miscellany of bumper-sticker statements that form this piece. Due to the lack of cohesion, you fail to show why the reader should care about a single line, much less the overall piece. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com www.primerhymeetc.com |
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wickedbeautifulpoetry Member
since 2004-01-03
Posts 84Indiana, USA |
Might I just add something to the above statement? Poetry doesn't always HAVE to make sense. Poetry has its own definition to whomever is writing it. It means something to the writer, isn't that what essentially counts? But then again, it's been explained to me. Write for yourself, Steph, not for what other people think your poetry should be. |
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Slick50199 New Member
since 2004-01-04
Posts 3Indiana |
FEZ ITS ME HAHAHA...I read your poem and i like it...that cyrinus guy is wrong in my opinion! GJ Without Music, Life Would Be A Mistake. |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
If you are writing only for yourself - why show it to others? |
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wintertao Member
since 2003-11-17
Posts 366Okaloosa Island, FL |
I liked it alot just the way it is... "Safety pins Pine for you." |
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wintertao Member
since 2003-11-17
Posts 366Okaloosa Island, FL |
others might like it thats why |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
If you think cynicsRus is wrong, show why. This is a forum for critiqueing, and simply saying someone is wrong doesn't qualify as a critique. Please point out what the line of cohesion is that he missed. Personally, I sort of liked the sound of it, but could see what the point was, even reread it to puzzle it out, but failed to find it. |
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lovejunkie Member
since 2003-12-31
Posts 93Indiana |
I didnt know this poem was going to cause so much controversy. hmm. I guess I can explain this a little further, but I won't go through line by line. This poem basically summarizes a few of my experiences downtown. (note: the coffee shops and used clothing stores.) Some of the meanings are more personal but I hope this helps. That is if you care. Which I do. Thanks to whoever liked it and accepts poetry for more than just words. -Steph "All you need is love..." -The Beatles |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
quote: If your aim is to write an esoteric poem void of a meaning readily discernable to the average reader, then you’ve greatly narrowed your audience. A good poet might have pulled this off while still enticing one’s senses with more coherent imagery. quote: I never implied that someone else might not possibly like this piece. I’m well aware that there are many fans of such post modern, disjointed ramblings. I have my doubts however that anyone could have made any sense of this without the aid of the title and last line. Otherwise, it was indeed like standing on a street corner and reading bumper stickers on the cars that pass. Some folks find such a pastime amusing—maybe even cathartic. I personally can think of better ways to waste time. quote: I think you’re missing the point of a critique forum. It’s not about liking or disliking a post: It’s about why one likes or dislikes a particular post. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com www.primerhymeetc.com |
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wickedbeautifulpoetry Member
since 2004-01-03
Posts 84Indiana, USA |
A good poet might have pulled this off while still enticing one’s senses with more coherent imagery. cynics..do you think you can really make such a call as to whether someone is a good poet or not? |
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gourdmad Member
since 2003-12-01
Posts 136Upper Ohio Valley |
He is entitled to an opinion whether someone is a good poet. Noone is obligated to accept that opinion. It is not that things are so black and white in poetry, that there is some absolute standard of goodness. Critqueing is by its nature subjective. I happen to agree with him - if you want to write esoteric stuff, AND have appreciated by someone not privy to private meanings, you do have to be good. For me, that poet is Dylan Thomas. I read some of his stuff and have absolutely no clue what he is talking about, but appreciate it anyway because it holds togehter so well, SOUNDS so good. Then I will see some phrase in there where I actually get the allusion, some obscure country tidbit I am familiar with, and I feel I have found a gem. Of course, he also has a lot of poetry that is more accessible to a general reader, so he does both. |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
quote: Yes, I can and do. So do many others on these forums, and so do you each day by virtue of your comments. You just obviously have lower standards than most serious critics here. As has been pointed out numerous times on this and other critiquing forums, it’s all subjective reasoning. The difference between you and me is that I’m not willing to give someone a free pass on his poem simply because it’s his first time posting on a critique forum, or he seems deeply in need of validation—which he’s possibly been lacking at home, at school or the gym—or even because he just got a letter from Hot Poets Dot Com who’ve chosen him as this year’s World Wide Web Poet Laureate, (For a nominal fee of course). Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com www.primerhymeetc.com |
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TwistedKnickers Junior Member
since 2004-01-02
Posts 35Saskatchewan, Canada |
Hello lovejunkie.... I have to agree with Cynics on this one. You DID say at the beginning that you were looking for help on this one and I believe that there really isn't anything tying all of these random thoughts together. A good poem should leave me thankful that I had read it. It should leave me with a thought or a feeling; paint a picture of what the writer intended me to see in my mind. I think that you have much to say, but are having some trouble saying it. Use your own voice. There are quite a few good examples in this forum for you to read. The more you read, the better you'll write. Guaranteed! If you truly want critiquing on your poetry, then perhaps try to think about how YOUR reader reads and comprehends. I encourage you to keep writing and stay enthusiatic about the art, but if you are writing just for yourself, then the only critique you need should come from you. Your Friend with a Pen...Cat Poetry is the sculpting of words. We ALL start with a lump of clay. |
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rainydaymusic Junior Member
since 2004-01-14
Posts 26 |
lol. "hot poets dot com world wide web poet laureate for a nominal fee." I agree with cynics, not necessarily on the poem, but on the purpose of criticism. As for the poem, it doesn't floor me, but I sort of like esoteric stuff, so I think the poem is alright. |
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EverRuss Member
since 2003-12-31
Posts 66Indiana |
there is no need to get a masterpiece. Do you think anyone understood edgar allen poe. I sure hope not cause id put you in line at a health clinic. Poetry is an out pouring of someones feelings. Poets come together to respect that out pouring. Its wonderful If my poems could talk they would mean more than the words |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
No one comes to an online poetry critique forum looking for masterpieces—and they certainly don’t come looking for Poe. They come expecting to find unpolished, works in progress. They come to post their own works, to develop skills, and to learn. In the process, opinions are given, accepted and rejected. Those who come here share a mutual desire to see good poetry in the making. But, there is no requirement, implied or otherwise to respect an “outpouring of feelings” Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
Um, I didn't know Poe was all that hard to handle. He was one of the first poets I ever read, and Anabell Lee was my favorite poem for quite some time... back when I was about 15. As for the poem, I agree that it's disjointed. But more than that, my problem was that some of the images themselves just didn't make sense. 'Coffee with that Blue Rusted spirals Molted feathers Instinctively fragile' Huh? Maybe you intended for this to bleed over and confuse the reader... however, I don't know it all 4 lines here are desribing coffee, or just the first one. And... 'coffee with that Blue'? Maybe if it was coffee with the blues I could handle it a little better, but as it stands it just seems like, as a writer, you don't feel the need to make this coherent or sensible in any way... that writing something that makes absolutely no sense makes it good. Also, by its very definition, isn't the middle specficially not a side? There was a set of lines here I did like: 'Worn by the notes chords, and hippies. Patchouli Petitions It’s Genius.' I would say drop the word 'notes' and just use chords, and drop the capitalizations of the Important Words in the last three lines, and you have a pretty solid stanza. It gets closer to the beatnik quality you seem to be aiming at. Hope I've helped. |
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