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Saddam's Mirror
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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Saddam's Mirror |
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
Any critiques would be appreciated (though other comments are fine as well). I'd rewriten this one somewhat, but i'm still not satisfied, especially with the line breaks. Saddam’s Mirror we are alike You and I for I love power too its desires hold my every breath so what is the difference? what makes me an innocuous girl and you a feared dictator? are your hands larger than mine? I know your skin is darker your hair is grayer and I can’t speak arabic. or is it what I would not do? could not do? have not done yet? will I someday be found in a hole become the burden lifted from the millions who were mine become the next scapegoat for dissension unrest evil? Fate shapes me to become a lowly accountant or teacher so maybe history will pass me by even if i cannot account for justice or teach the ways of love. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
I'm tempted to lean in the direction of an almost philosophical discussion about power and its definition in a cultural sense. To try to avoid a rant lol I'll just ask a few questions...how does a love of power equate to similarity between a tyrant and an innocuous girl? How do you reconcile the different expressions/notions of power between two very different cultures? Power doesn't necessarily share a common face between cultures, though it might appear so on the surface. These thoughts of mine, therefore, make it difficult to read your poem with any nods of understanding. I find the thinking flawed, and therefore unconvincing. But, to set that aside for the moment...the writing itself - I think the last stanza is the strongest. What I find very interesting is that the subject professes to love power and yet has yielded completely to fate - relinquishing power of the self. Interesting also that accountants and teachers are respected members of society and wield their own forms of power. I do find 'teach the ways of love' weak as an ending though. Why do line 2, stanza 1 and line 1, stanza 4 have initial capitals and all the the rest don't? They look out of place. 'or is it what I would not do? could not do? have not done yet?' This section seems meaningless and I'd consider getting rid of it. Line breaks in free-verse are affected by several things...visual space, pause, flow. Your line breaks would be helped enormously if they didn't rely on these questions of yours. I'm not fond of poems that ask endless questions. The technique reads like a copout...and begs its own question - who are you asking these questions of? Essentially, it's a distracting technique and I'd look closely at it. See if you can phrase some of the thoughts, at least, without them. Shape your lines around the flow of sound and visual space, rather than questions. If you remove a few extraneous words, your lines will flow better as well. Just an example: Perhaps someday I will be found in a hole become a burden lifted from the millions who were mine the next scapegoat for dissension I think the poem has potential, but I think you need to examine your concept closely again.  K[This message has been edited by Severn (01-03-2004 07:43 AM).] |
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cynicsRus Senior Member
since 2003-06-06
Posts 591So Cal So Cool! |
This premise just doesn’t work as written, although I feel, it might possibly work on another level. If, for example, you simply drop the attempt at juxtapositioning this “innocuous girl” with Saddam—or Arabic. I think it could work as a story about a different sort of conflict, raging silently in an otherwise "normal" home. For what it’s worth. Sid @ www.cynicsRus.com |
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