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Critical Analysis #2
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The Flow of the River
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The Flow of the River |
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huddersfield Junior Member
since 2003-12-29
Posts 25huddersfield, England |
This is the first poem that i submitted into the open forums where i received some very kind coments from other forum members, and as nice and welcoming those coments were, and i am truely greatful for all the kind words, i believe you can't learn without some critiscm, and as i have only been writing poetry for the last few days ( not including one i wrote as a xmas present from my son to his mum ) i have alot to learn. So please, if you dont mind, could you spare me just a bit of your time to give me some helpful coments. Kindest Regards Glynn ----------------- Over the hill lies the dream, Out of sight, but not out of reach, The river of life meanders through, Where it flows with the remains of stolen dreams, With promises broke, that stabbed like a dart, Into the heart where no one can see. The river flows with the pain of desire, Filled, not red with the blood of despair, But clear, with the crystal tears of innocent times, Where the dreams were lived and the promises made. But over the hill lies the dream, Just follow the river as it meanders through, Ride the rapids of pain and despair, Then disembark the raft of life, For the journey will be over And life will begin Follow the river as it meanders through, For the journey may be over before it begins |
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| © Copyright 2003 Glynn Denniss - All Rights Reserved | |||
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eminor_angel Member
since 2003-05-22
Posts 323Canada |
Welcome to the world of poetry! You have an excellent attitude towards this art form, especially for a beginner. "With promises broke, that stabbed like a dart" I would use the word "broken" instead, as it is not only grammatically correct, but flows better. "But over the hill lies the dream, Just follow the river as it meanders through, Ride the rapids of pain and despair, Then disembark the raft of life, For the journey will be over And life will begin Follow the river as it meanders through, For the journey may be over before it begins" This stanza needs to continue your poem,(the middle lines are good this way) rather than merely repeat several lines. Also, your last line could mean many different things (i.e. life traveling by quickly, early death, etc). This is OK if your intent is to be ambiguous, but poetry usually aims for a specific effect. All in all, this is a good poem. Your use of literary devices, such as metaphors and other imagery, is definately a good start. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your topic, as many great poems have been written about life, death, and other significant matters. However, it is good to remember that poetry can be about anything, and small details, unassuming objects, and ordinary moments soon forgotten can also be excellent subject matter for poetry. Keep up the good work! |
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mysticpoe Senior Member
since 2003-02-28
Posts 883 |
Your imagery is very good. wayne If nothing is something |
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Seth Member
since 2003-04-13
Posts 74Arizona |
Welcome to pip! I enjoyed this very much. After a while you will get a feel for what is clich'e and what is not. I look forward to reading future posts, for now I shall leave th critique to those best suited. ~Seth |
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