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Needing To Be Loved
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Needing To Be Loved |
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Yu Lan Senior Member
since 2000-04-13
Posts 1462New Zealand 
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Child in a horseshoe, Hiding in the garden, Ostrich under uncut hair, Needing to be loved. Acid rain spites all, around, When birds above Make better company. "He who knows others is wise; he who knows himself is enlightened." Lao-tsu |
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| © Copyright 2001 Lynne Miura, née Chudley - All Rights Reserved | |||
Joyce Johnson
since 2001-03-10
Posts 9912Washington State |
I haven't seen your work before, Yu Lan I am quite new here. We are from different worlds , different ages, so I am having a little trouble with this one. I don't know what a child in a horseshoe means. Oops yes I do. He is bent in horseshoe shape hiding. Of course, Very good. I know you are learning the new ways and I am stuck in the old mold. I don't know much about ostriches but I think they hide their heads and acid rain does fall on all of us. I wish I were back in school with you. Joyce [This message has been edited by Joyce Johnson (edited 04-03-2001).] |
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Panne447 Member
since 2001-04-03
Posts 196S.A. TX |
Yu Lan, I thought this was terrifc and sad and too true. I particularly got great pain from those first four lines. You could actually end the piece there and have a perfectly powerful and finished piece. I am so glad I came in here. Panne |
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Trillium
since 2001-03-09
Posts 12098Idaho, USA |
Yu Lan: This was an arresting piece. Sad but true. Betty Lou Hebert |
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Yu Lan Senior Member
since 2000-04-13
Posts 1462New Zealand |
Thank you Joyce.. Yes, a horseshoe, in as tiny a space as possible, bent over.. you got it just right. ^_^ yeah, an ostrich hehe, I'm not sure if it is true, I think so.. there's a saying about an ostich hiding his head in the sand, then they think no-one can see them.. so the child is hiding behing his/her hair, like the ostrich hides in sand.. only no-one notices the child, and it's pretty hard to miss an ostrich! ^_^ Panne447, thank you.. yeah, i was thinking of leaving it after hose 4 lines.. I wasn't sure if it quite got the message across tho.. yeah, i agree, the last lines aren't really the stong point, I guess.. I just felt it was.. short..  Thanks, I am so glad you liked it! Betty, thanx.. it is a shame it is true, but there are so many children I have seen like this.. not so much here.. or if they are in NZ, they hide within themselves, so sometimes, people don't notice.. Thank u 4 reading.. Love ya'll, Lynne "He who knows others is wise; he who knows himself is enlightened." Lao-tsu |
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Panne447 Member
since 2001-04-03
Posts 196S.A. TX |
Lynne, Since you have already thought about it, I think that maybe your gut is telling this should be a quatrain - pure and simple. All the sad images are shown and make the reader feel the pain. I would suggest changing your title so that it doesn't give your piece away or repeated it in the last line. Try finding a word for hidden, or hiding or similar that adds to the aloneness and fear of this picture; or even Solitude would have a better impact than the present title - Solitude says a lot more than being alone when you read it in context with this piece. Give it some thought. Hope that helps. Panne |
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Joyce Johnson
since 2001-03-10
Posts 9912Washington State |
Dear Yu Lan. I just read this over and it is crystal clear to me now. And I agree it is all in those first four lines. Have you seen those little stuffed dolls that sit in corners hiding their faces? I always feel so sad for them. I wouldn't want one. Love, Joyce |
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Yu Lan Senior Member
since 2000-04-13
Posts 1462New Zealand |
Thank you panne! ^^ Yeah, you a re right.. well, I will reply here after school some time today with ideas, see what u think of them, for a title.. thanx heaps. And Joyce, yes, I know what you mean, one of those poor little lonely dolls would just be too much to have to see each day.. be quite depressing really.. Thank you, yeah, I will take out the last lines.. ^_^ Thank u both so much.. -Lynne "He who knows others is wise; he who knows himself is enlightened." Lao-tsu |
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Yu Lan Senior Member
since 2000-04-13
Posts 1462New Zealand |
Ok guys, I'm thinking of adding this one to a collection of poems for my poetic writing portfolio for English class.. what do you think? Do you think it's good enough? I have altered it slightly, so it now reads: Child in a horseshoe hiding in the street. Ostrich under uncut hair, needing to be loved. cheers.. Lynne “One word can be magical. Imagine then, the effect of several words, together..” |
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