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jbaker Member
since 2001-02-16
Posts 74Australia |
Forever You can be the paper I will be the pen And we'll write a story that will never end A tale that tells of love and passion That will last until the end of time. And like undies on the clothesline I'm hung on you And like flies around the dunny door We'll stick together forever and ever. So don't brush away those flies They don't mean no harm And when I'm highly strung Do not be alarmed I'm only trying to tell you I love you, I will love you forever. |
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| © Copyright 2001 Jocelyn Baker - All Rights Reserved | |||
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pegasus111 Member Elite
since 2000-07-27
Posts 2219ocala, fl, usa |
"dunny door?"....lol the woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep, and many miles to go before I sleep...Frost |
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kcsgrandma Senior Member
since 2000-09-24
Posts 1522Presque Isle, ME |
Welcome to Passions.  This is a cute first post, but like Pegasus I could use a translation. To love another person is to see the face of God. - Les Miserables Marilyn |
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jbaker Member
since 2001-02-16
Posts 74Australia |
Translation for 'dunny door'......Australian slang for toilet door. A few years back, australian toilets were a little 'house' usually at the back of the main house..although some were quite a way from the house. But now we are civilised and have them inside the houses! Hope this explains 'dunny door' for you. |
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ellie LeJeune Member Elite
since 2000-01-10
Posts 4156King of Prussia, PA USA |
"You can be the pen, I'll be the paper", this is sooooo romantic. Wonderful poem,,,,more, more....love, Ellie A friend hears the song in my heart, and sings it to me when my memory fails. |
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JLR Senior Member
since 2001-02-04
Posts 1785 |
Glad I saw this. I really like it. Good first post. Will be reading more. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hey there... This is an interesting little piece.. but a few years back? Surely only in the outback! You'd never catch us NZers making a confession like that lol...  I have a few gentle points here...firstly, I think there are two many 'ands' which start the lines: eg: You can be the paper I will be the pen And we'll write a story that will never end A tale that tells of love and passion That will last until the end of time. And like undies on the clothesline I'm hung on you And like flies around the dunny door We'll stick together forever and ever. to make the piece a little tighter it could work something like this: You can be the paper I will be the pen we'll write a story that will never end A tale that tells of love and passion That will last until the end of time. And like undies on the clothesline I'm hung on you like flies around the dunny door We'll stick together forever and ever. Also, I'm a little confused about the punctuation mixed with the capital letters at the beginning of every line...somehow it doesn't quite 'gel.' I think punctuation needs to be consistent. As this is not a metered/rhymed poem I think your sentences might work better if they flow from line to line with capital letters beginning only new sentences... I like the light style of this and the way it brought a smile to my face... thanks for the read - and welcome to passions...also, please check your email for a special welcome... ...and I have found that a lifetime can be lived in one moment... T.G.M. |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Welcome to the family! Enjoyed this very much. |
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deleeme Senior Member
since 1999-10-09
Posts 1766NEW ENGLAND, USA |
JOS, I enjoyed your passionate poem, with the use of unique illustrations to get your point across. To me that shows originality,and a healthy self-expression. You have much to offer from your perspective, keep 'em coming friend, David No Better Place do I know Than where Hearts knit as one, For in that grand experience, The Better ALL become. God Bless us All!!! |
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Songbird Member Elite
since 1999-12-15
Posts 2184Missouri |
Certainly unique. From a romantic standpoint, I can hear Gomer Pyle saying this to his girl. Keep them coming an interesting read. |
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BloomingRose Member Elite
since 2000-08-09
Posts 3092Florida |
WELCOME TO PASSIONS! Very interesting poem you have written. Looking forward to reading more of your poetry. Deb |
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Moon Dust
since 1999-06-11
Posts 2177Skelmersdale, UK |
This is funny and cute ~Maria~ |
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