~Tranquil Slumber Haiku~ - pipTalk Forums

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Honeybee
Member Ascendant

since 1999-12-26

Posts 5372
Ontario, CANADA

0 posted 2000-06-02 08:09 PM

Please tell me which one you prefer, there is a suttle difference. The first one uses proper grammer with the second line connecting to the last, but the 2nd version sounds better. I don't know which to choose. Any ideas?

~TRANQUIL SLUMBER HAIKU~

5-7-5

1)

Tranquil evening sun
bidding farewell to the day
now embraces slumber

OR

2)

Tranquil evening sun
bidding farewell to the day
embracing slumber

*By Melissa Honeybee*

Songbird
Member Elite

since 1999-12-15

Posts 2184
Missouri

1 posted 2000-06-02 09:00 PM

My humble opinion..# 1 cannot tell you why.

Denise

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-08-22

Posts 22648

2 posted 2000-06-02 09:25 PM

I like the first one better too, although both are very good. I love it when one sentence leads into the next like the first one does.

Denise

dgvarner
Member Elite

since 2000-05-13

Posts 3552
High Springs, Florida

3 posted 2000-06-02 11:10 PM

i prefer the second..it seems less rigid to me..

..oh..and truly, the first is not in the 5-7-5 way of things..just a thought

but both are really nice and peaceful feeling..i like them

dg

"A Poet's life is on written page; a scenario to take the stage--watch..." dgvarner

kaile

Member Ascendant

since 2000-02-06

Posts 5146
singapore

4 posted 2000-06-03 03:42 AM

i prefer the second...it sounds better to me and from what i do know, each line of a haiku should be a complete thought so there is no need to link up sentences..perhaps you can use

Tranquil evening sun~
Bidding farewell to the day~
embracing slumber

BTW, this one is a winner

Dennis L. White
Senior Member

since 2000-02-17

Posts 1463
Michigan, U.S.A.

5 posted 2000-06-03 11:05 AM

Melissa,
Both are great, though I also prefer the second! Keep up the great work. Dennis :^)

Moonbeams radiate
When the veiling cloud has past
Playful shadows dance

Dennis L. White :^)

Honeybee
Member Ascendant

since 1999-12-26

Posts 5372
Ontario, CANADA

6 posted 2000-06-03 05:58 PM

Thank you everyone for the compliments and for helping me decide which one to keep.
I like the second better too

Take care,
Melissa Honeybee

childomine
Senior Member

since 2000-01-25

Posts 818
st. petersburg, FL

7 posted 2000-06-03 06:30 PM

Well Melissa you're certainly making us use our brains here. Both are very good but my favorite is #1. The second feels a little harder to me, whereas the flow feels smooth with the first. Both are very good (as are your other Haiku).

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