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Mistletoe Angel
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since 2000-12-17
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Portland, Oregon

0 posted 2007-12-30 12:58 PM

Why All The Hate For Fruitcake?
By: Noah Eaton

In December, there is no gift more dreaded or feared,
that when stored in an airtight tin can last twenty-six years,
comprised of dried fruit and mixed nuts, and weighs over two pounds,
it’s like a game of “Hot Potato” once it makes the rounds.

Each year it’s been treated as the kingpin of doorstops,
some use it as a replacement for their Duraflame log,
relatives aside, fruitcake can make some people scared straight,
treating it like a pin cushion or some large paperweight.

My friends use it instead of sand bags during El Nino,
and my cat Poodeedoots uses it as a scratching post,
most find this mainstay nuttier than Charles Everett Koop,
their first instinct being to ship it off to Guadeloupe.

Some even pass it on as something they get for Christmas,
for the host of a New Years Party, offered as a gift,
there’s a line drawn in the flour: you love it or hate it,
but why all the hate for fruitcake, now THAT’S a good question.

There used to be a time when fruitcake plainly reigned supreme,
dating back to ancient Rome, where their type of recipe,
consisted of pomegranate seeds, pine nuts and raisins,
all mashed up with barley, which just happened to phase in.

It was prized for its portability and shelf life,
in fact, they brought it to the battlefield with them each fight,
eventually fruit and spices were added to the mix,
during the Middle Ages when crusaders got their fix.

By the 1400’s, the British worshipped their fruitcake,
when dried fruits from the Mediterranean came one day,
and with the colonies having a boon in cheap, raw goods,
sugar was added, making it dense as petrified wood.

By the eighteenth century, their love became obsessive,
when they baked fruitcakes at the end of every nut harvest,
to save and nibble the next year to renew the cycle,
in the hope that such robust harvests can be recycled.

By 1837, fruitcake was the treat to beat,
it became the centerpiece to each Victorian Tea,
Queen Victoria even waited a whole year, some say,
to eat a birthday fruitcake so that she would show good taste.

Can you believe there once was a custom in the UK,
for unmarried wedding guests to put a slice of the cake,
under their pillow at night so they will dream of the one,
they will marry someday, that special someone that they love?

In fact, their love was too strong; it became “sinfully rich”,
and fruitcakes were banned all across Continental Europe,
throughout the 1800’s, fruitcake suffered a setback,
but nonetheless remained a much sought-after teatime snack.

To this day, fruitcake remains revered all around the world……
……except in the United States, where it makes people hurl,
where it used to be as popular as ribbon candy,
oh, right, you don’t know what that is, consult your great granny.

Yet, in the early 90’s, Johnny Carson cracked a joke,
on the “Tonight Show” that dealt fruitcake a most fatal blow,
claiming there’s only one fruitcake in human existence,
and folks keep sending it to each other like a virus.

His jape best determined its place in the modern psyche,
gibing some fruitcake sent him a fruitcake tirelessly,
comedians keep milking that chestnut without a care,
citing you can’t find it on any menu anywhere.

Five hundred even show up each year in Manitou Springs,
for the Great Fruitcake Toss to test their projectile moxie,
where they hurl and launch fruitcakes with a spun gun gloatingly,
once one was catapulted four hundred and twenty feet.

Fruitcakes are now even being treated as guinea pigs,
in “Iron Science Teacher” and other experiments,
dropping fruitcakes in all different sizes to demonstrate,
Galileo's famed Leaning Tower of Pisa assay.

Recently, nutrition scientist Thom Castonguay,
used a bomb calorimeter to blow up some fruitcakes,
to measure the heat from the explosion accurately,
so he can find out its total amount of calories.

And yet, I reiterate: “Why all the hate for fruitcake?”
After all, they are baked and made in many different ways,
the Georgia Fruit Cake Company has a Womble’s Fruit Cake,
that’s laced with Old Taylor bourbon, great for the holidays.

The Collin Street Bakery in Corsicana, Texas,
makes theirs with pecans, bound to tickle your solar plexus,
fruitcake sales are the sole source of income for Trappist monks,
down in Missouri’s Ozark Mountains, made with God’s love.

Besides, fruitcake has a wide, overlooked family tree,
that includes its Italian relative: panettone,
which sometimes is baked with a bitter candied orange peel,
yet that hasn’t hampered its undeniable appeal.

Then there’s the German take on it, widely known as stollen,
which keeps the chopped nuts but adds thin icing on the surface,
it also has a shy Polish cousin named makowiec,
rolled strudel-style, filled with honey, dates and poppy seeds.

Laugh now, fruitcake haters, the lovers shall have the last laugh,
slowly but surely fruitcake is making a cult comeback,
haven’t you noticed the abundance of dried fruits lately,
at your local supermarket, over on Aisle Three?

It’s even showing up in your Honey Bunches of Oats,
it’s all part of fruitcake lovers’ PR campaign, you know,
to acclimate you to the taste of dried fruit once more,
ultimately hoping fruitcake’s legacy is restored.

Step two of their ingenious plan is to change this treat’s name,
let’s face it, “fruitcake” has earned too much bad press at this stage,
but what about Jack Daniels Bourbon Cake, now there’s a pitch,
it will gain broad acceptance once they make the sudden switch.

Until then, they remain stacked like cordwood at grocery stores,
a garish brick of equivocal age, mocked to the core,
assumed not food but some rock chipped off a meteorite,
that Rudy Giuliani stuffed in my mailbox last night.

Come, my friend, please move beyond your cognitive dissidence,
and give fruitcake another chance, it can be quite scrumptious,
and if you still don’t like it once you give it one more try,
head to Manitou Springs and blow that stale sucker sky high!


"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other"

Mother Teresa

© Copyright 2007 Nadia Lockheart - All Rights Reserved
Senior Member
since 2007-09-30
Posts 1474
At the Crossroads of Infinity
1 posted 2007-12-30 07:51 AM

Well Mr Eaton, As the custodian of The North Cheshire Home for the Bewildered, I salute you. For you are surely the gatekeeper at the Palace of the Gilded fruitcake.......May I please make a request?  Noah MORE!

(Perhaps that should read: More Noah! and should not be confused with No More.....)


Artic Wind
Member Rara Avis
since 2007-09-16
Posts 8080
Realm of Supernatural
2 posted 2008-04-25 05:43 PM

I don't really like it myself lol!


William James
Junior Member
since 2008-05-05
Posts 31
3 posted 2008-05-05 12:40 PM

An interesting historical perspective, what a hoot. My father in-law makes them every year and his are not bad at all.

since 2008-09-16
Posts 471
4 posted 2008-11-26 01:13 AM

Never tried it! lol.
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2008-09-09
Posts 1089
Utah, USA
5 posted 2008-12-02 06:02 PM

My mom makes them, then soaks them in wine.
I asked her to stop using the rock hard chunks of colored rubber and try real fruit, just once.  The year she made the REAL fruit cake was the best ever.  

I found one that she had made and gave as a gift in the garage when I was getting out the Christmas decorations this year,  I think it is from 2004.  
I am not going to eat it.  Maybe give it as a "GAG' gift.

Joyce Johnson
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Rara Avis
since 2001-03-10
Posts 9912
Washington State
6 posted 2008-12-22 05:37 PM

Mr. Noah.  Well I must say this is a great poem but
You have never tasted my fruitcake.  My children beg for it.  Love, Joyce

Joyce Johnson
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Rara Avis
since 2001-03-10
Posts 9912
Washington State
7 posted 2008-12-22 05:39 PM

Mr. Noah.  Well I must say this is a great poem and you exhibit much knowledge about the subject but
You have never tasted my fruitcake.  My children beg for it.  Love, Joyce

since 2009-11-27
Posts 159
United Kingdom
8 posted 2010-01-14 08:43 PM


Very long but very, very funny.

'I feel like an animal, and I don't think that I get it. But one day I'll see you around.'

Senior Member
since 2003-11-08
Posts 956

9 posted 2010-01-23 09:51 PM

I had to read this one -- my curiousity got the best of me even though its long past Christmas...


well done Noah

btw: I'm a fan of the fruitcake.

Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA
10 posted 2016-11-15 11:41 PM

enjoyed reading this...might have something to do with it having so many different to easy to mess it up...I like a good sister still sends me one...james
Rex Allen McCoy
Member Elite
since 2000-01-30
Posts 2863
Sippin a Timmy's in London
11 posted 2016-12-04 11:57 PM

My wife says I like it, but I think I like your poem much better. I eat the cake then pitch the fruit and nuts out for the squirrels

Junior Member
Posts 49

12 posted 2019-03-03 10:29 PM

Oh I'd say the same thing.
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