Revised: Hope (Dec 2002) - pipTalk Forums

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aries_luv_ppl
Senior Member

since 2001-09-20

Posts 1448
Universal Mind

0 posted 2002-12-22 12:24 PM

The windows are wrapped with cotton snow.
The lights are rainabows in my room.
Something is missing from the house-
A Christmas tree, a Christmas tree
And all the presents under the Christmas tree.

We can't afford to buy a little fig,
So I buy a little decorative tree,
And put up some socks on the window
For my l i t t l e ba-bies.

Together we make some wishes
And put them all in the socks,
Waiting Jesus, the real Santa,
To make a Christmas a real home-
F o r l o v i n g a n d c a r i n g.
In dreams, we wish to hear from you,
And thank you for
All the care
You've shown during the past year.

//I put it in open poetry forum 24 but nobody seem to care, so I'm putting it here, to see if it is really bad.

Eliza Simmons
~Sometimes when I look back at what I wrote, I don't recognize the 'Me' in the past anymore.

[This message has been edited by aries_luv_ppl (12-22-2002 06:36 PM).]

OtherSideOfTheMirror
Member

since 2002-12-19

Posts 245

1 posted 2002-12-22 12:35 PM

I care.

I think you have an idea, but you need to apply it with more of a poetic not really THEME but like, some sort of trend in the writing. It needs to flow. In the beginning its really good but in the middle it's less solid. I like the idea and I think you're going places with it, but maybe rethink it and change around some things. Only suggestions of course... and I always encourage reading it aloud.

I love poems. Thanks for sharing.

-OtherSideOfTheMirror

aries_luv_ppl
Senior Member

since 2001-09-20

Posts 1448
Universal Mind

2 posted 2002-12-22 05:12 PM

thanks for your comment

I appreciated it. Merry Christmas!

Eliza Simmons
~Sometimes when I look back at what I wrote, I don't recognize the 'Me' in the past anymore.

Poet deVine

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-26

Posts 22612
Hurricane Alley

3 posted 2002-12-22 06:07 PM

I think it's good. There is a power in formatting that a lot of people don't understand. I hope you don't mind, but this is your poem, formatted in a different way:

~~~~

The windows are wrapped with cotton snow.
The lights are rainbows in my room.
Something is missing from the house-
A Christmas tree,
a Christmas tree

all the presents under the Christmas tree.
We can't afford to buy a little tree,
So I buy a little decorative tree,
And put up some socks
On the window
For my little babies.

Together we make some wishes
And put them all in the socks,
Waiting Jesus,
the real Santa,
To make a Christmas a real home
For loving and caring.
In dreams we wish to hear from you,
And thank you
for all the care
You've shown during the past year.

aries_luv_ppl
Senior Member

since 2001-09-20

Posts 1448
Universal Mind

4 posted 2002-12-22 06:27 PM

thanks PoetdeVine. and I don't mind it at all. It's good to see how other may precieve or put it in another way.

Eliza Simmons
~Sometimes when I look back at what I wrote, I don't recognize the 'Me' in the past anymore.

OtherSideOfTheMirror
Member

since 2002-12-19

Posts 245

5 posted 2002-12-22 06:28 PM

Agreed. That formatting works it. Also, and this is JUST a SUGGESTION as I really am not one to talk, but consider revising the word "babies". I don't know why but it seems to disrupt the flow some, but it may just be in my head. Nice job with the writing the formatting will help.

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