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Open Poetry #4
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In Darkness
| Open Poetry #4 |
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In Darkness |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA 
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In Darkness Silence falls in darkened skies A curtain's drawn across my sun Where the evening shadows loom Beneath the ever seeing moon Faceless voices in the night Call to me in curious rhyme As I sit alone in wait And wonder if this be my fate Can you hear my bleeding heart In frantic rhythm all its own Is its beating now unheard Lost beyond the spoken word Haunted by the memories past The future's lost among the blur Clouded in a fog I sit Looking, never finding yet So speak to me here in the dark Let your words shed welcome light Lost, I can not find my way Guide me from darkness to the day (I'm still a bit unsure about this one..actually dumped it in my recycle bin the other day, then retrieved it...be as cruel with your comments as you'd like) "I am nothing special, of this I am sure. I am a common man with common thoughts and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me , this has always been enough." ~Nicholas Sparks from The Notebook [This message has been edited by hoot_owl_rn (edited 12-16-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Ruth Kephart - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Hoot, Enjoyed the poem, liked the idea. You can work on it, I rewrite all my poems. *L* |
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RSEvans Senior Member
since 1999-10-23
Posts 1147Tulsa, OK, USA |
Hoot! I loved this one. Although rhyme and meter may be off a bit, it makes a beautiful free-form poem. I particularly like the line "Let your words shed welcome light". A beckoning to all poets.  |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Smiles...your cruelity breaks my heart you two I ask for cruelity and you tell me you like it. Thanks Seymore and RSEvans. |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Ruth You can come and dump this quality of poetry in my recycle bin anyday - just so long as you let me pull it out again and savour it .. great Philip |
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vandana
since 1999-10-22
Posts 10463USA |
I like this poem very much!!!! |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
hoot, I don't know much about meter and rhyme, but the emotions I understand and they come through loud and clear.....hugs remember this...nobody has an unbreakable heart |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
I like it too, Ruth...sorry! So filled with emotion! I'm glad you retrieved it and shared it with us! Denise |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Thanks everyone |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
This makes for very nice freeverse, Ruth. I've done that - throwing out and retrieving. I think we all do. K |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
I'll be the first cruel one and say that I didn't like it as much as all of your other work, however, I think that this could be good in freeverse. |
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Marge Tindal
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Hoot - Thank goodness Gates named it a 'recycle bin' and not a 'shredder'. I'd call this poem a Golden Retriever ! Now, for an HONEST critique ... Ruth, I up the ante ... glad the garbage truck didn't come. ~Marge~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ noles1@totcon.com |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Well, hoot, I give it an A in emotion but a failing grade in poetic construction. You do much better work than this. The poem is salvageable but why bother? Take the idea and begin again. I only speak this way because I know you and I know you prefer honest opinions. I don't think I need to remind you, or anyone, how excellent of a poet I think you are.  |
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wayoutwalt Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 4870TEXAS (it's all big) |
now lissen i didnt even botter thats right botter with readin any the otter guys replies yuh i liked it yuh it stumbled a bit yuh mine stumble so much i bought a poetic walker o no i in trouble now but yuh i liked it hoot i did i did |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
....um.... what walt said..... What did he say???? |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Everyone, thank you for your comments. Balladeer, thank you for your brutal honesty...lol, just kidding, thanks for your honest opinion. I appreciate that from you I must admit that I am a bit dissapointed that not one person recognized there was actually a format to this one. |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
As I told you in the preview of this piece...I like this one much better then the first draft. The meter is still off and you stumble a bit over places. Do what you think is best with it Ruth. |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Ruth, I'm not much of a poetic critic. I can only comment as to whether or not something touched a cord within me. I'm not schooled in format, rhythm and rhyme, what little I've learned, I've learned here! And you are one of the ones from whom I've learned! Again, I love this piece no matter the format, rhyme scheme or such! Denise |
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Sven
since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937East Lansing, MI USA |
I thought that this was quite good. . . I've never been one to "follow the rules" of poetry. . . I write what I feel. . . I play with the form and the meter. . . it's just my way of making the poem my own. . . Perhaps, this would make a good challenge. . . take a poem that you have not posted, put in the recycle bin, and try to make it better. . . good enough to post. . . Any takers? That which gives light must endure burning --Victor Frankl |
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First__Knight Senior Member
since 1999-11-08
Posts 678 |
I will not coment on structure or meter as I lack in both I am sure and never have I been schooled in such....So as content goes...I can speak for your poems seem to speak volumes. What is darkness.....is it the lack of light....or is it the lack of a brighter light than we have already? When you shine like you do....the brighter lights that are more than you are often hard to find and so it seems like darkness. Shine your light bright as always and lead those that you want to find you to you. And together your lights will shine upon that new path to the one true light Share what you are for you are what you share |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
very touching |
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Tequilia_Sunrise Senior Member
since 2003-02-19
Posts 612Lochalsh, Ontario, Canada |
enjoyed |
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