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Master
Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867
Boston, MA

0 posted 1999-12-14 10:28 PM


Since my success, I feel yet more repressed
For time had ceased, and yet concern remained.
I envy him, who I have put to rest,
For everything I’ve dreamed of, he attained.
‘Tis irony! The deed which should be heir
To thought; gives thought its birth and later dies.
Fair heart, draw me a mask that I may wear;
Let all be seen, but none be shown by eyes!
The earth does shake when glory sorrow greets.
Once dust is cleared, the guest puts on the crown.
Don’t trust the lie that kings have softest seats,
The golden throne is harder than the ground.
Remember thus, that every happy blessing
Is often contradicted by its dressing!

< !signature-->

 I fell in love and kept on falling





[This message has been edited by Master (edited 12-15-1999).]

© Copyright 1999 Andrey Kneller - All Rights Reserved
RainbowGirl
Member Elite
since 1999-07-31
Posts 3023
United Kingdom
1 posted 1999-12-14 10:31 PM


Well....that's not really my forte, so can I get away with saying that you pulled a few heart strings here?

Hugs

 Yesterday is but today's memory and tomorrow is today's dream...



Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648

2 posted 1999-12-14 11:10 PM


'Tis wonderful, Master! I love this theme you are currently on! (check your email!)

 Denise



Master
Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867
Boston, MA
3 posted 1999-12-15 12:00 PM


RainbowGirl, you can get away with anything, (since the Master is pulling the strings)!

Denise, thanks for you email and your suggestions. I don't know whether I've succeeded with a good sonnet, nevertheless I like this new version a bit better, (I think I'll keep it the way it is now). Thanks again!

Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA
4 posted 1999-12-15 07:35 AM


OK, Master, You asked for it.....

You've got a great Shakespearean sonnet here.  You've developed a theme (that's of utmost importance) and appropriately resolved your conflict in the last couplet....

You've adhered to the classic rhyme scheme...abab-cdcd-efef-gg...... Your meter is great - iambic pentameter...

My only critique is in your couplet... You have end rhymes that not only are inherently trochaic rather than iambic, but they add an extra syllable to your otherwise perfect meter.... That's not bad, eh?????

Beautiful job here, Master.....

hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA
5 posted 1999-12-15 10:30 AM


APPLAUDS!!!!
Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla
6 posted 1999-12-15 11:16 AM


Master,
Follow the yellow brick road that Nan laid out. You have a great idea, came very close
And I liked it much.

Master
Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867
Boston, MA
7 posted 1999-12-15 03:15 PM


Thank you Nan, I'll work on it and see what I can come up with!
jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
8 posted 1999-12-15 03:59 PM


M.

Very good job.  I won't reiterate Nan's reply so I only have one suggestion.  The preposition "of" in line four is a bit awkward when reading aloud.  I think it might be incorrect grammatically but don't quote me on that.  Perhaps something like "For everything I've dreamed, he has attained" would help smooth  out the line.

I'd personally like to see what you do to the couplet.  Let me know when you have made any changes.

 Jim

"If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther


Sven
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Laureate
since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937
East Lansing, MI USA
9 posted 1999-12-15 04:24 PM


Quite good, it's hard to write in this style, but you have done quite well. . . I can only echo the things said above, but I do like the way that you break the rhythm. . . sometimes, to get it right, you have to break the rules. . .

Well done!

 That which gives light must endure burning
--Victor Frankl



Master
Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867
Boston, MA
10 posted 1999-12-15 08:09 PM


Thanks for your suggestions Jim, as for rewriting it, I'm no longer so sure about it. I like the ending that I have and I guess that I agree with Sven that sometimes, to get it right, you have to break the rules. Nevertheless, thanks for all of the advices and suggestions!
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