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Open Poetry #4
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Macbeth 5 (critique welcomed!)
| Open Poetry #4 |
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Macbeth 5 (critique welcomed!) |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA 
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Since my success, I feel yet more repressed For time had ceased, and yet concern remained. I envy him, who I have put to rest, For everything I’ve dreamed of, he attained. ‘Tis irony! The deed which should be heir To thought; gives thought its birth and later dies. Fair heart, draw me a mask that I may wear; Let all be seen, but none be shown by eyes! The earth does shake when glory sorrow greets. Once dust is cleared, the guest puts on the crown. Don’t trust the lie that kings have softest seats, The golden throne is harder than the ground. Remember thus, that every happy blessing Is often contradicted by its dressing! < !signature--> I fell in love and kept on falling [This message has been edited by Master (edited 12-15-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Andrey Kneller - All Rights Reserved | |||
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RainbowGirl Member Elite
since 1999-07-31
Posts 3023United Kingdom |
Well....that's not really my forte, so can I get away with saying that you pulled a few heart strings here? Hugs Yesterday is but today's memory and tomorrow is today's dream... |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
'Tis wonderful, Master! I love this theme you are currently on! (check your email!) Denise |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
RainbowGirl, you can get away with anything, (since the Master is pulling the strings)! Denise, thanks for you email and your suggestions. I don't know whether I've succeeded with a good sonnet, nevertheless I like this new version a bit better, (I think I'll keep it the way it is now). Thanks again! |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
OK, Master, You asked for it.....  You've got a great Shakespearean sonnet here. You've developed a theme (that's of utmost importance) and appropriately resolved your conflict in the last couplet.... You've adhered to the classic rhyme scheme...abab-cdcd-efef-gg...... Your meter is great - iambic pentameter... My only critique is in your couplet... You have end rhymes that not only are inherently trochaic rather than iambic, but they add an extra syllable to your otherwise perfect meter.... That's not bad, eh????? Beautiful job here, Master..... |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
APPLAUDS!!!! |
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Seymour Tabin Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720Tamarac Fla |
Master, Follow the yellow brick road that Nan laid out. You have a great idea, came very close And I liked it much. |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Thank you Nan, I'll work on it and see what I can come up with! |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
M. Very good job. I won't reiterate Nan's reply so I only have one suggestion. The preposition "of" in line four is a bit awkward when reading aloud. I think it might be incorrect grammatically but don't quote me on that. Perhaps something like "For everything I've dreamed, he has attained" would help smooth out the line. I'd personally like to see what you do to the couplet. Let me know when you have made any changes. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Sven
since 1999-11-23
Posts 14937East Lansing, MI USA |
Quite good, it's hard to write in this style, but you have done quite well. . . I can only echo the things said above, but I do like the way that you break the rhythm. . . sometimes, to get it right, you have to break the rules. . . Well done! That which gives light must endure burning --Victor Frankl |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Thanks for your suggestions Jim, as for rewriting it, I'm no longer so sure about it. I like the ending that I have and I guess that I agree with Sven that sometimes, to get it right, you have to break the rules. Nevertheless, thanks for all of the advices and suggestions! |
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