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The Inn-Keeper's Confession (completed)
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The Inn-Keeper's Confession (completed) |
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
That night, the zenith of our town became Celestial craddle of a new born star That would reveal the nadir of my shame. With punters occupied in my bazaar, I turned away a couple from my inn, Clochards which I could tell had no dinar. From all land corners, members of our kin Had poured (for Rome’s late census) through our gates; T’was one carouse , I drank then half a hin. With such demand, we could inflate our rates I would with peasants suffer no ado, I had an appetite for better baits. Reports I’d heard that magi, three or two, Had set their camp nearby old Bethlehem Along with shepherds, to these regions new. It seemed they weren’t the progeny of Shem But noble men who’d come from distant lands; For lodge, I sent my messenger to them. My messenger returned with empty hands Apprising of their presence by our barn Engrossed in maps, arcs, azimuth, operands. For belvedere, I climbed on my lucarne: There, on my pastures, such a to-and-fro, With shepherds gathering around the tarn. My oft-simoom-tormented fields aglow, The morning star usurped,and teeming life, The trespass’ nature I desired to know. And there I saw the wright and his young wife; Inside the manger she had given birth, A son to suffer rabbi’s holy knife. All visages were glittering with mirth, And there was gold and frankincense and myrrh; Of precious presents for the babe no dearth. Then I, - induced by sight of gold to err - and for the rent of stable, straw and hay, ( Besides late royalties from colporteurs ) From them, I filched a gaud and broke away. The myrrh I stole retains all bitterness, And racks my vicious conscience e’en today. I know that my offense I can’t redress - For so it’s written in my soul’s recess - And therefore I perdition acquiesce. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Well, Marc-Andre, you certainly made a drastic change from the first one...and did so brilliantly. I think it was good that the poem keys on the inn-keeper's tale, rather than the different personalities from before and the story itself is excellent. That thief might not have ever been exposed if not for you!  If I were to have any criticism at all, it would be that much of the vocabulary used is far above the average reader's ability to understand (like me!)without having a dictionary in one's lap. Actually, though, that is not a criticism. You decided to raise the vocabulary to a high level and challenge the readers to rise, also. Nothing wrong with that.. At any rate, I appreciate the time and dedication you put into this work and admire both your tenacity and pursuit of excellence. I wish you a wonderful holiday season!  |
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
Many thanks for your feedback, Balladeer. And much credit to you for this poem, as your honest, considerate yet to-the-point critique pushed me to go further on "the straight and narrow." Yep, there is the vocabulary...A poem is a communicative tool, and its ultimate value rests in the reader's experience. The aim of poetry is to educate and entertain. My opinion is that so-called high words should be used only when it can be justified, that is when they actually enhance the poem - and satisfy the meter and the demanding rhyming scheme of the terza rima... I believe I have achieved that here, should anyone disagree,and have a better alternative. I'd love to know. (Btw, my native tongue being French, some of the "higher" words are a lot more common in my language.) Here's a little glossary that may help: Clochard: tramp, vagrant. ***The inn-keeper shows contempt to the humble Joseph and Mary. dinar: a gold coin formerly used in countries of southwest Asia and north Africa carouse: a drunken revel hin: an ancient Hebrew unit of liquid measure, approximately 1.5 US gallons. Shem: the eldest son of Noah held to be the progenitor of the Semitic peoples ***the inn-keeper alludes that they are foreigners operand: something (as a quantity or data) that is operated on (as in a mathematical operation) ***The magi are engrossed in their celestial calculations. A lucarne is a roof window; a tarn a small steep-banked mountain lake or pool. ***I admit I found those words convenient for the needed rhyme with "barn." simoom: a hot dry violent dust-laden wind from Asian and African deserts Morning Star: Venus (the brightest body in our night sky after the moon); Lucifer. A colporteur is a peddler of religious books ***all is said I believe the rest is known to the average reader. Besides the interlocking rhyme of the terza rima, i.e. aba cbc dcd ede and so on, and a substitution-free iambic pentameter, I've tried to keep enjambments (run-on lines) to a strict minimum, and stop each stanza with a heavy stop (i.e. a period.) The only exception is at the moment where the inn-keeper commits his crime. This was fully-intended, another challenge I had thrown at myself. As terza rima stanzas seem to go on and on, many poets choose to complete them with couplets; another challenge was to end the poem with a triplet. Those little tricks of the trade, as you know. If I've used them ineffectively, do let me know. I look forward to struggling with your next challenge. A merry Christmas to you Balladeer (and all fellow poets). Mark |
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moonbeam
since 2005-12-24
Posts 2356 |
Marc This was well done. I actually thought that the vocabulary enhanced the Middle Eastern/Mediterranean feel of the piece, mysterious, perfumed, dry and foreign. It's one of the few poems I've read for a while that engages all five senses, and unusually the senses of smell and touch were, for me, to the fore. Simoom was new to me, and particularly evocative. So was colporteur, which sounded kind of french morocco, but very appropriately used in context I think. Not so with lucarne perhaps. This is a word I have come across in my work (though I didn't know the tarn meaning). I've always associated it specifically with dormers, which, evoke more English Lutyens than Bethlehem AD0 (or whatever the date was!). But poetic licence for the ever draconian demands of the great god of form and rhyme I guess. Good work. Thanks for posting. |
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
Many thanks for your feedback, Moonbeam. Btw, I believe I've seen on another post that you were considering paying a visit to the mature content (Grok This)forum. I've posted a ballad (The Flower of Wong Wien Yai)there some time ago, one in which I believe I have surpassed myself in terms of imagery. I believe you would enjoy it, just keep in mind (or have a quick look at) those everyday words that also have botanical definitions. I'd love to have your feedback on it (and also yours, Balladeer.) There might be difficulties for the one who hasn't visited that corner of the world where it is set, I'm not sure. If so, I'll be happy to answer any cultural question there. /main/forumdisplay.cgi?action=displayprivate&number=63&topic=000151 Have a marvelous day! Mark |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Mark, I agree with Balladeer, in that you have definately raised the bar with this piece of work. I also agree with moonbeam, in that the vocabulary really enhanced the feeling of the piece. I'll admit many words were unfamiliar to me, yet from the context of the poem their "foreign-ness" only made the reading more genuine. Merry Christmas to you sir, I look forward to more. Doc |
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Alison
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
One of my very favorite poems on these boards. I don't mind looking up words if I don't understand their meaning. What better way to learn. I keep coming back to read because this is one fine piece of work. You have done well. Thank you for working so hard to write this poem. Merry Christmas. Alison |
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
Many thanks, Doc & Alison. And a merry Christmas to you all Mark |
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Justin Genius Member
since 2001-04-02
Posts 85 |
After translating I can only say...WOW! Great job! |
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