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A little too dark perhaps ? First attempt :)
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A little too dark perhaps ? First attempt :) |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Icy cold blood like a river a bitter heart dark as the night the sunshine’s making me shiver no diff’rence between wrong or right Falling from heights beyond measure into the Devil’s lurid ache such pain in finding a treasure a universe made of real fake Yet the rain purifies my soul and innocent laughter my heart begone with all pity my goal for living itself is an art So I’ll let the sun embrace me and peaceful waters flow inside from now on I’ll see life’s beauty accept life as low and high tide Life, precious and full of delight gift from the Almighty above with all that is in me I’ll fight for it’s life itself that I love Sorry, I didn't mean to be "dark", it just came out. Munda  |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Great poem, Munda! So what if it's dark? Don't apologize for writing what's crying to come out!! We all experience those ebbs and flows!! I love it!  |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Munda...this started out a bit dark, yes, but it certainly didn't end that way. I liked the personification with the line: "So I’ll let the sun embrace me" At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet. ~Plato |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Munda, you've done an excellent job here, throwing in snippets of personification here and there though you did not concentrate on one particular thing. You also used a healthy dose of simile and metaphor, which share personification's natural habitat. And as to the subject matter -- life is rarely wine and roses, m'dear -- no one will chasten you for honesty ...  --Kess You cannot choose the way of your death, but the path you choose will determine its own end. |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Munda I wish I'd read this before starting my poem .. if this is dark then my attempt is fresh out of a coal mine in Hades ...lol .. I can't see why a little gloom and doom should allow teacher (or for that matter JB) to cry "foul" though  .As a matter of fact I agree with Ruth that the lasting impression was not depressing at all ... I enjoyed it ... which is more than you'll be able to say about mine, if it ever gets off the blocks that is .. Philip [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 01-22-2000).] |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Okey dokey ma'am -- here we go ... The only real instance of personification here is the line about the sun embracing you -- the sun naturally has no arms and therefore is being personified. But -- you do use a few similes: the images in lines one and two are both presented in simile form. Overall, there is nothing wrong with this poem, Munda. It just isn't heavy on the personification -- so if you'd like to do another, feel free. You know I'll help you however I can. --Kess Full fathom five thy father lies, Of his bones are coral made, Those are pearls that were his eyes; Nothing of him that doth fade But doth suffer a sea-change Into something rich and strange... --William Shakespeare, from The Tempest |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
LOL I'm trying to get the hang of it....this personification thing, but I will try again ! and uhh Philip, show me, show me, show me ! I'm into dark lately  uhhh ? Who turned off the light ? |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Munda: Sorry it took me so long to get to this. Nothing wrong with darkness, my friend. I get enough of sickening sweetness at home (the kids are Teletubbies fans -- curse the BBC!!! ). Seriously, I enjoyed this a great deal. I saw personification in the "sun's embrace" but I also saw hints of it in "Life". Am I off on this?Philip: If you keep describing me as an ogre like Brad who likes to cry "foul" I'm gonna hop on a Concorde to London and pop you in the nose. I know it's true but, come on, the truth hurts! Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Hit the button twice. Oops. [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 01-27-2000).] |
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