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Victory Through Defeat
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Victory Through Defeat |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA 
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(okay...since I'm first, take it easy on me < !signature--> )He came to me, an uninvited guest, knocking at the doors of my heart; breaking down carefully constructed walls. His destruction total. I wore armor to protect me; but he reached inside, pried loose my defenses, and laughed as I stood before him unprotected, unencumbered, naked to his touch. Oh, he was an unwelcome guest, entering my house of well thought out plans, casting them aside, and leaving trails of sunlight where he stepped; when I had been content in my darkness. He read the diaries of my life; erased the pain and hurt of the past and penciled in a possible future, would only I let him in. His gentle fingers encircled my heart of ice, warming me from the inside... Yet, I fought. Unrelenting, love hammered at my reserves, seeking entrance to my soul; and somewhere, between those three words and the gentle kiss, he met acceptance. At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet. ~Plato [This message has been edited by hoot_owl_rn (edited 01-21-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Ruth Kephart - All Rights Reserved | |||
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WhtDove Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-22
Posts 9245Illinois |
Excellent Ruth! I like the title you have, but if you want suggestions, maybe the broken armour of my heart...? A fight against love...dunno hon, that's about all I got for ya...love this one! 'Tis excellent! <*\\\>< Where there is faith, there is love. Where there is love, there is peace. Where there is peace, there is GOD. Where there is GOD, there is no need. Hallmark |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Ruth, this is sooooo beautiful! I'll have to think a bit on the title, though, I'm not very good at that. If I come up with something I'll let you know!!  |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Ruth, how about 'Victory Through Defeat'? |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Whtdove...thank you Denise...I love it!!! Thanks, so it shall be |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Cool! Denise And slight is the sting of his trouble Whose winnings are less than his worth; For he who is honest is noble, Whatever his fortunes or birth.~~~Alice Cary, ~Nobility~ |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
WOW! I have so much to say about this one, but I have like NOOO time, so -- I'll be back, I promise!  --Kess You cannot choose the way of your death, but the path you choose will determine its own end. |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Oh dear, Ruth, this is so beautiful....and I haven't even started yet ! Really love this one. |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
(pant, pant) I'm back! I think I got your flu bug, Ruth ...  Anyway, let me be the first to say that this gave me chills, especially in the last two stanzas. The last three lines were absolute perfection. They close the poem exceedingly well, and they made even my cynic's heart skip half a beat ... OK, now, as to the personification: You took an approach similar to the one I used in my submission for this workshop -- you described Love according to "his" actions, rather than so much his form per se. In each stanza you build a completely new image, each of which serves to give your character more depth and breadth. You focus upon the interaction between your defenses and "his" assault, and you do it consistently, which ties the whole thing together very well. My only suggestion for this (and this is simple aesthetics and personal preference), is that you somehow get rid of one of the two instances of "armor" in the second stanza. "Armor" is an unusual word, and it does not bear repeating well especially so closely. One suggestion: I wore armor to protect me; But he reached inside And pried loose my defenses ... As I said, just my own preference. I would wait for a few more critiques were I you to see if perhaps I am just an odd woman out. Very, very well done overall, Ruth -- I am so proud of you!  --Kess You cannot choose the way of your death, but the path you choose will determine its own end. |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Munda...thank you so much Kess...I'm blushing here, thank you for the high praise of my work. It truly makes me smile coming from you. I like your suggestion and will change it to that, thanks again |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I'm not sure whether this inspires me to write (I haven't even started yet) or admonishes me not to waste my time (I still haven't started yet), but it truly paints a beautiful portrait. Do you really think you need this class? Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Pete...I'm not sure how to take that. I'm pleased if it inspires you, saddened if it admonishes you. In answer to your question, yes, I need all the lessons I can get. I write from my heart, I know very little about the technical aspects of poetry itself. I have had absolutely NO formal education in writing aside from a required writing class while in college in which we did not write a single poem. My knowledge is limited, but not my desire to write. At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet. ~Plato |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Ruth, I hope you took it as a compliment as that was surely how it was intended. My question was, of course, rhetorical and somewhat toungue-in-cheek, a version of throwing a spitwad at the teacher or someone else, possibly that cute girl on the other side of the room whom you "really like" but can't bring yourself to approach. We do seem to be a little less formal in here than in the CA after all. Seriously, whether formally educated versically (can that really be a word?) or not, you are exceptionally talented with words. It seems that almost everything you write comes out beautiful, well nearly everything anyway.  Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Pete....thank you for that clarification. I wasn't sure how to take it. I guess not the right way. I thought you were perhaps mad because I was here almost like "what are you doing here, taking time away from us sort of deal"...sorry, it's been a rough life and sometimes my defenses are a bit to alert. My humble appoligies and gracious thanks to you for your comments. Ruth |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Ruth, I am sorry, it was not your failure to understand or interpret my comment but, rather, my failure to communicate. Even if I felt you didn't belong (which could not be further from the truth) I would never have said so. I feel lucky to be allowed to participate in the same class with you. Your friend, Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Smiles...thanks Pete |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
PETE! Shame on you! Go sit in the corner and think about what you've (not) done, young man ... hehehe (dodging spitball) --Kess Ruth: welcome, you deserved every bit of it. Full fathom five thy father lies, Of his bones are coral made, Those are pearls that were his eyes; Nothing of him that doth fade But doth suffer a sea-change Into something rich and strange... --William Shakespeare, from The Tempest |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Ruth ~smile~ well you know what i'm going to say before i say it don't you ... Is it allowed to take my favourite line of the poem and say that this piece left a "trail of sunlight" in my heart? Only one problem the impression is lasting and i can't seem to get away from it in writing my own personification of love ... Do you think I can sneak a bit of plagiarism past teacher ... ? What can i say, except that imitation is said to be the highest form of praise ..lol .. it was beautiful Philip |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Philip...lol, I don't know, our substitute teacher seems rather keen, think she may notice...wait till Nan gets bacl...lol. Thanks for your comments my friend |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Teacher, Thank you for the "young man" part and I promise to not throw any(more) spitballs at you  Now, may I please leave the corner and return to my desk to start writing?  Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Ruth: Sorry so late to this. This is an excellent piece of work and I hope it's a true story. You ever consider trying to write this in sonnet form? Not only would it tickle me to death but it would also drive Knave Philip nuts. Heh-heh. Think about it. Later.< !signature-->Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 01-27-2000).] |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Jim...hehehehe...I love sonnets don't ya know Must have been half a sleep when I read yours though and missed two lines  my mistake and humble appologies |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Correction oh accent-less bland Northerner ......... "Knight" |
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