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X-mas assignment: take 2 (terza rima)
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X-mas assignment: take 2 (terza rima) |
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Marc-Andre Senior Member
since 2008-12-07
Posts 501 |
These are the first ten stanzas, more to come. I posted them in the hope of some feedback before I start working on it again after work, tomorrow. That night, the zenith of our town became Celestial cradle of a new born star That would reveal the nadir of my shame. With punters occupied in my bazaar, I turned away a couple from my inn, Clochards which I could tell had no dinar. From all land corners, members of our kin Had poured (for Rome’s late census) through our gates; T’was one carouse , I drank then half a hin. With such demand, we could inflate our rates I would with peasants suffer no ado, I had an appetite for better baits. Reports I’d heard that magi, three or two, Had set their camp nearby old Bethlehem Along with shepherds, to these regions new. It seemed they weren’t the progeny of Shem But noble men who’d come from distant lands; For lodge, I sent my messenger to them. My messenger returned with empty hands Apprising of their presence by our barn Engrossed in maps, arcs, azimuth, operands. For belvedere, I climbed on my lucarne: There, on my pastures, such a to-and-fro, With shepherds gathering around the tarn. My oft-simoom-tormented fields aglow, The morning star usurped,and teeming life, The trespass’nature coveted I to know. And there I saw the wright and his young wife; Inside the manger she had given birth, A son to suffer rabbi’s holy knife. [This message has been edited by Marc-Andre (12-16-2008 11:09 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2008 Marc-Andre Germain - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Mark Bohannan Member Rara Avis
since 2000-06-21
Posts 7269In the winds of Cherokee song |
I am not one to turn to for critique on styles as I am seriously and beginning student on styles. I usually write in a meter in my head that probably has no standard structure, but I do know when something reads well for me. This one did. If you read it out loud it holds true to course in a smooth read. I found this one ( what you have accomplished so far ) to read much better than the first so I would say you probably got the style down quite well. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Bravo, Mark-Andre. As Mark indicated, it is a smooth as silk and I was quite caught up in it...was sorry when it ended, actually. There is no comparison with the first attempt. This one has it hands down. The meter is perfect, with the exception of the last line of the second-to-last stanza. Looking forward to the conclusion.... |
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Alison 
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
I, too, was caught up in your story. You tell it very well in a smooth and easy to read poetic style. Please, post more. I am glad that you are participating. Merry Christmas. Alison |
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