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Alison

Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-27

Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

0 posted 2008-05-27 02:05 PM

Darkness churning among shifts of light
obscures beauty within darkest night.
Shadows disguise raging hot desire;
passions, hidden, build to lift one higher.

Lovers edging closer to erotic need;
hunger seeking pleasure's pulse to feed.
Waltzing among gauzy clouds that curtain,
closely approaching their objective, certain

Sunrise offers clashing colors to celebrate
satiation filled in passions they consummate

---

Alison

[This message has been edited by Alison (05-27-2008 03:24 PM).]

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

1 posted 2008-05-27 08:13 PM

Well, Alison. you got the boys and girls ok but the triple snagged ya. The three syllables have to rhyme, syllable by syllable, such as happiness and sappiness. They don't have to be three-syllable words, either. They can be one, two or three syllable words, as long as the last three syllables rhyme.

If you want to sing a song
Find one you can bring along.

Also, DO NOT forget the previous lessons. Just because you are trying something new, you still have to remember that, in structured poetry, your lines of either iambic, trochaic, anapstic, or dactylic or a combination fo them must be constant, along with the syllable count. You haven't done that here.

Again, me lassy!

Alison

Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-27

Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

2 posted 2008-05-27 10:30 PM

Okay. I am not sure if I get the last part still and thought that I was doing Iambic but the peanut butter sandwich might have clogged my thinking process. I had an apple for you but I traded it for a jumprope.

I am going to work on it now.

Thank you.
A

Alison

Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-27

Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

3 posted 2008-05-27 10:57 PM

Night Dancers

Darkness churning among shifting light
obscures beauty within darkest night.
Shadows disguise raging heated desire;
passions, hidden, build to lift one higher.

Lovers, flirting, touch with sensuous need;
hunger seeking pleasure, urges feed.
Waltz in gauzy clouds that almost curtain,
Move with grace, the dancing bodies certain

Sunrise offers clashing colors glorious;
satiation reigns, ever victorious.

---

Alison

Oh and question (flails my arms wildly). The syllable count is as follows:

9
9
10
10

9
9
10
10

11
11

Is that okay if it is consistant throughout the poem or should all the lines always be the same syllables?

Thank you.
A

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

4 posted 2008-05-28 12:00 PM

Darkness churning among shifting light
obscures beauty within darkest night.
Shadows disguise raging heated desire;
passions, hidden, build to lift one higher.

Lovers, flirting, touch with sensuous need;
hunger seeking pleasure, urges feed.
Waltz in gauzy clouds that almost curtain,
Move with grace, the dancing bodies certain

Sunrise offers clashing colors glorious;
satiation reigns, ever victorious.

Your second stanza is excellent trochaic. You ending couplet is also the same with one tiny exception. Your first stanza, however is all over the place, as you can see. Need to work on that one...

The syllable counts are fine. Rule of thumb is that all rhyming lines carry the same amount of syllables and you have done that.

Just work on the first stanza and we are almost there. The ending triple rhyme is fine

Alison

Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-27

Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

5 posted 2008-05-28 01:36 AM

Wow, where were all those words with the stress on the second syllable when I wanted them a month or so ago?

I am on it. Thank you.

A

Alison

Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-27

Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

6 posted 2008-05-28 02:02 AM

Whoops, I had gotten my Iambic and Trochaic mixed up -- I was striving for Trochaic (so that much is kind of good, I guess).

Okay, here goes ...

-------------------------------
-------------------------------

Night Dancers

Darkness churns; it stirs the shifting light.
Carnal longing grows in deepest night.
Shadows torch the embers, heat desire;
passions, hidden, fan the burning fire.

Lovers, flirt and touch with sensuous need;
hunger seeks the pleasure, urges feed.
Waltz in gauzy clouds that almost curtain,
move with grace, the dancing bodies certain.

Sunrise offers clashing colors glorious;
satiation remains as victorious.

---

Alison

-------

Whooo hooo, Look! I learned how to bold too! What a red-letter night this has become. (Okay, it's the small things that make me happy!)

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

7 posted 2008-05-28 08:50 PM

Nice work, Alison!

Only two points. Your feminine rhyme in the first stanza doesn't work, for one.

Secondly, in the line

"satiation remains as victorious."

That is the only place your trochaic meter falters..

satiation remains as victori ous

Ohter than that, this is very good work. Now BOLDLY go where no Alison has gone before!

Soon you will be able to italicize!

Alison

Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-27

Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

8 posted 2008-05-29 02:25 AM

Night Dancers

Darkness churns; it stirs the shifting light.
Carnal longing grows in deepest night.
Shadows torch the embers, heat desire;
passions, hidden, fan burning bonfires.

Lovers, flirt and touch with sensuous need;
hunger seeks the pleasure, urges feed.
Waltz in gauzy clouds that almost curtain,
move with grace, the dancing bodies certain.

Sunrise offers clashing colors glorious;
satiation ever reigns victorious.

---

Alison

Did I finally get it?

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

9 posted 2008-05-29 09:50 AM

hehe....almost. You are almost there. You are on the threshhold of greatness as we speak. The hallowed halls of poetic excellence are positioned to swing their doors open wide to admit such an aspiring poet!

but......

"desire" and "bonfires" is not a feminine rhyme. Both syllables must rhyme with each other.

I have a burning desire
To quit my job and retire

de=re sire-tire

If I ever needed to find someone who would stick to a job until it was finished, you would be my only choice, Alison. I love your tenacity, my friend

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

10 posted 2008-05-29 10:01 AM

These lessons are very useful when writing poetry that is clever and striking.

Double (feminine) and triple rhymes, along with internal rhymes, make the piece stand out as something special when done right, much more so than an ordinary iambic poem about a butterfly or true love.

Alison

Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-27

Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

11 posted 2008-05-29 11:37 AM

Night Dancers

Darkness churns; it stirs the shifting light.
Carnal longing grows in deepest night.
Shadows torch embers, heat then resumes;
passion's rage as flames strive to consume.

Lovers, flirt and touch with sensuous need;
hunger seeks the pleasure, urges feed.
Waltz in gauzy clouds that almost curtain,
move with grace, the dancing bodies certain.

Sunrise offers clashing colors glorious;
satiation ever reigns victorious.

---

Alison
---

I thought that bonfire was a cop-out maybe, but I was reaching for straws and only found hay.

Thank you and did I get it this time? (How did I live without bold?)

Alison

Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-27

Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

12 posted 2008-05-29 12:24 PM

Wait! I understand .. I got it while I was driving. I'll be back

Alison

Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-27

Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

13 posted 2008-05-29 01:15 PM

Night Dancers

Darkness churns; it stirs the shifting light.
Carnal longing grows in deepest night.
Passionate embrace ignites, conspires;
sparks fan the raging, heated bonfires.

Lovers, flirt and touch with sensuous need;
hunger seeks the pleasure, urges feed.
Waltz in gauzy clouds that almost curtain,
move with grace, the dancing bodies certain.

Sunrise offers clashing colors glorious;
satiation ever reigns victorious.

---

Alison

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

14 posted 2008-05-29 07:48 PM

hehehe...you are a constant source of joy, Alison, and I mean that respectfully.

You FINALLY got the two syllables to rhyme!

....and it's not right.

Looking over my notes I find that there is something I didn't specify. The accents MUST be the same on both words!

For example, you cannot rhyme "below" and "window", even though they both end with "low". Why? Because it is be-LOW and WIND-ow.

You have selected con-SPIRES and BON-fires. Won't work.

So congrats on rhyming the two syllables together and now make the accents right.

You can do it....

Alison

Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-27

Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

15 posted 2008-05-30 02:05 AM

Hey,

I am back with a rather rumpled copy of my poem. I realized that the rhyme on the last two lines was not really correct either (I think anyway). So this is the latest version.

A

---------------------------

Night Dancers

Darkness churns; it stirs the shifting light.
Carnal longing grows in deepest night.
Sparks infernos, deep desires engage;
embers soar while needs inspire, enrage.

Lovers, flirt and touch with sensuous need;
hunger seeks the pleasure, urges feed.
Waltz in gauzy clouds that almost curtain,
move with grace, the dancing bodies certain.

Midnight climax reaches upper latitudes,
filling nights once laced with empty platitudes.

---

Alison

[This message has been edited by Alison (05-30-2008 02:48 AM).]

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

16 posted 2008-05-31 12:09 PM

FANTASTIC!

Alison

Member Rara Avis

since 2008-01-27

Posts 9318
Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy!

17 posted 2008-05-31 12:21 PM

Thank you so much for sticking with me. I have to admit that I woke up this morning with the rhyming dictionary in bed with me. I had finished this draft of the poem, but was looking for other words (just in case, you know). I am having a ball doing this.

Now on to the grotesque!

You know, if I make up words - I am the ONLY one who knows where the stress is (kinda, sorta, not really but it makes me feel good to think that anyway!).

Thank you again, Balladeer.

Alison

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