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Dear Cynthia, Why Leave Us? (So Young)
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Dear Cynthia, Why Leave Us? (So Young) |
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young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN 
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Hi, I'm alex and I am new to the workshop. This is my attempt at this month's challenge. The poem I will be emulating is Stanley Kunitz' poem "Promise Me". Promise Me Only, when I am sudden loss Of consequence for mind and stair, Picking my dogged way from us To whom, recessive in some where Of recollection, with the cross Fallen, the breast in disrepair: Only, when loosening clothes, you lean Out of your window sleepily, And with luxurious, lidded mien Sniff at the bitter dark--dear she, Think somewhat gently of, between Love ended and beginning, me. here's my attempt Dear Cynthia, Why Leave Us? (So Young) Empty, with an eye open left To watch the door float from vision, Winding its path down a breath Gone by, sliding past photo prisons Bound in stained oak's bark, with some smile Faded, lips sag as if to say: "Empty, we are full of space", I squint And remember those who slid through, They waltz with the boldest, blank print Stares back at the de*th calls--poor you, I still float along here, to hint That playgrounds are in heaven, too. [This message has been edited by young_blood (06-04-2004 10:48 PM).] |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Alex, Welcome to the workshop, (my adoptive home of about five years now.) Your poem contains some good imagery, and follows through to its' conclusion well. If you don't mind a little amature critiquing, your meter varies somewhat from the original. Kunitz wrote: "ONly/ when I/ am SUD/den LOSS of CON/seQUENCE/ of MIND/ and STAIR PICKing/my DOG/ged WAY/from US to WHOM/reCES/ sive IN/ some WHERE" Thus setting the meter through the use of stressed and un-stressed syllables continously throughout the piece. If applied to what you've written, I think you'll notice the difference. I like what you've done, but, to keep it closer to the original you may want to incorporate a steadier pace. So much for my ramblings. Again, welcome. Doc |
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young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN |
i don't think i understand what you are saying with the stressed syllable thing. if you can please explain. thank you doc |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Alex, I'll try. When speaking normally, we tend to accentuate (stress) some syllables more than others. I've tried to show this by capitalizing the syllables that would be accented in normal speech. Every multi-syllable word has different syllables that are accented, the correct pronunciation follows each word in the dictionary. When you say your name, for example, I'm guessing you would say, ALex, not alEX. Utilizing the proper pronunciation helps your work read much more fluently, as it reflects our normal speech patterns. I hope this helps. Doc |
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young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN |
it does, thank you very much doc. i hadn't even realized that aspect of poetry before. |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Alex, Glad to be of service. usually I just dust the blackboards, toss a few spitballs and paper airplanes, and generally try to add to the confusion around here. But, "Teach" is busy graduating another class, Liz is filling in ( and doing a great job, I might add ), and, for once, I may have actually strung some words together that may have made sense! Someone would have jumped in If I hadn't, this is a great place to pick up some pointers, everyone is very helpful. Good luck in your endeavors. Doc |
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wllz.on.ice Junior Member
since 2004-09-07
Posts 35the united kingdom. |
wow interesting, im going to fail english. i have much to learn. |
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