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Sonnet For A New Poet
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Sonnet For A New Poet |
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ice Member Elite
since 2003-05-17
Posts 3404Pennsylvania |
Why frown, new poet, why the long sad face? Sing loud your music now for all to hear. You need keep writing words without disgrace, Paint pictures of your soul and bring them near. * Read to me, you'll get no retribution Just gentle words, to guide, is all I'll say Listening well, will be my contribution Take heart,have fun,fear not,new one,and play. * Imagine how a woods would sound in spring, If only perfect, bird-song filled the air, And only those in tune, in perfect time, Would give our spirits lift, when we are there. * The woods would be a silent place for sure, Bereft of joyous sound forevermore. |
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| © Copyright 2003 ford hume - All Rights Reserved | |||
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ice Member Elite
since 2003-05-17
Posts 3404Pennsylvania |
This is a very hard form for me, I am very undisciplined, (you can tell by how late I have turned in Octobers assignment) But the form is beautiful, and in my opinion is worthy of the struggle. |
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ice Member Elite
since 2003-05-17
Posts 3404Pennsylvania |
oops, I made a mistake, sorry about that..:-( I copied from the wrong file....:-( Lines 9 through 12 should read like this> * Imagine how a woods would sound in spring, If only perfect bird-song filled the air. Where never those with faults would get to sing And give our spirits lift, when we are there. |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Ice, It's an excellent attempt. The only thing I noticed that may be out of kilter is the stressing of un-stressed syllables, as in. "retribution" and "contribution". Not to say that these words don't fit, just to say that they seemed (to me) to interupt the flow. Doc |
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ice Member Elite
since 2003-05-17
Posts 3404Pennsylvania |
Thanks doc. I had trouble with those words, you are right, they mess up the flow....I am searching for two, three syllable words to replace them, four is too many for that spot, but of course I would have to add a syllable somewhere in those lines to make them even tens...I appreciate your comments....ice |
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Mysteria 
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
I hate to say this but I can't do those things worth beans, and I have tried, so I think this was an excellent attempt. However, Mr. Ice, not much you CAN mess up  |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Your second stanza is the only place you break your meter. The break is inevitable when you use "tion" words as an end rhyme. Such words are inherently trochaic in nature rather than iambic... You've also begun the fifth line with a trochaic beat... Other than that, your rhyme scheme flows and your meter is pretty darned good... I think that sonnets aren't as difficult for you as you might think... |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
The shifts in meter don't so much bother me. Feminine rhyme works nicely in sonnets because the iambic pentameter naturally allows for pauses between lines, as opposed to a more flowing count, like a tetrameter. The first quatrain, you start out with the almost-cliche sentiment, "why the long (sad) face?" Then you follow up with a rhyme that looks a bit too tried, in my opinion. I'd revise both the starting line and its complement in later drafts of this piece. And this line: quote: ...sounds a little bit forced, the meter is choppy and doesn't flow nicely due to the commas. You might have done it on purpose, but I still think it should be rephrased. Otherwise, a rather good poem. I particularly like the last quatrain, where your language becomes notably more poetic. As has been said, a good attempt. Faith is a fine invention |
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ice Member Elite
since 2003-05-17
Posts 3404Pennsylvania |
Thank you Mysteria...:-) But as you can see, I can and do mess up..lol (see comments below) |
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ice Member Elite
since 2003-05-17
Posts 3404Pennsylvania |
Nan....:-) Thank you for reviewing this sonnet. I will keep in mind what you said about the "tion" words I like the forms that are hard for me, I need the discipline. I am enjoying myself in this forum. ______ice ><> |
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froggy Senior Member
since 2003-06-23
Posts 1893Michigan |
This is new. I never saw this one. I like this its better then the sonnet I attempted. Good job ice :-) Ribbits :-) |
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ice Member Elite
since 2003-05-17
Posts 3404Pennsylvania |
Local Parasite Thank you for taking time to comment on this sonnet. I will work on the first quatrain..I was never really satisfied with it, but showed this sonnet to several other people and they said it sounded ok to them. (in a poetry chat room) But I did smell something fishy while reading that first part to myself, and I should have changed it. I did do the "choppy" thing on purpose here> "Take heart,have fun,fear not,new one,and play." But perhaps it did make the line a bit jumpy.. What do you think about the removal of the comma between "fun" and 'fear", would that help? Again, thank you for commenting.. ______ice ><> |
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ice Member Elite
since 2003-05-17
Posts 3404Pennsylvania |
Hi Froggy... Thank you.....:-) ______ice ><> |
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