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Sweet Summer (triolet)
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Sweet Summer (triolet) |
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ice Member Elite
since 2003-05-17
Posts 3404Pennsylvania |
Sweet Summer (triolet) * Risen from depths of the year, sweet summer Flowers mature, plump-pregnant with seeds. Quik pass the showers, lightning and drummer Risen from depths of the year, sweet summer. Spring has retired, to a place of deep slumber, Now moonlight, and warm-nights, fill lovers needs. Risen from depths of the year, sweet summer, Flowers mature, plump-pregnant with seeds. * end |
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ice Member Elite
since 2003-05-17
Posts 3404Pennsylvania |
Not sure if this is punctuated properly? Would like a critique on content and form. My first post here. Sounds like a place were poets have fun and grow.....:-) ****ice**** |
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Bridget Shenachie Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056Kansas USA |
Loved the imagery here. I will have to leave the form critique to the experts. Good to see you in class. I've learned a lot here and continue to learn more. Shenachie |
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ice Member Elite
since 2003-05-17
Posts 3404Pennsylvania |
Bridget Thank you for the nice comment and the "welcome" ....ice |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Excellent triolet, nice imagery and good job of making the repetition less than obvious. An altogether difficult thing to do properly. Since you did ask about the punctuation, I do have a couple of suggestions. On first reading I thought L1 should end with a comma but on second reading, I understood your intent with the enjambment. Very well done indeed. (Quick is misspelled in L3.) In L5, the comma after retired is wrong and needs to come out and the comma at the end technically should be a semicolon. Poetically though, the comma there is probably better. Both commas in L6 need to be removed. The second one is particularly bad in that it separates the subject from its action. L7 presents an interesting question. Considered with L8 to match L1&2, the comma shoud come out. As I study the content, however, I can see an interesting twist if you do separate the two lines. But to do so with a comma just give the impression that you made a grammatical error or that you just inadvertently left it off L1. I like the subtle change of context if you separate but to avoid any such questions, I think I would prefer a semicolon there. Thanks for an interesting exercise and for requesting a critique. I enjoyed that as well as the poem. I wish this had been in CA  Well, not really Nan. It's just that I feel more comfortable criticising where it is expected.Pete |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
You mean we can't critique here if requested?  I had the same questions of the punctuation that Pete pointed out, Ice...but my computer got logged down last night at home with that icky virus... so I'm glad he got to the response before I did, because he did it much better. Well done, Sir! |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Ice, all I can say about the content and form: excellent! This is a very good Triolet.  |
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Marge Tindal 
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Ice~ Welcome to the Forums FUN PLACE~ You get to share 'eraser dusting' with Marti ... but there's plenty to do~ VERY nicely done~ *Huglets* ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ |
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ice Member Elite
since 2003-05-17
Posts 3404Pennsylvania |
Not A Poet Thank you for the nice comments and for helping me with the puctuation and other errors in my triolet...I see my mistakes now and have fixed them acordingly...ice |
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ice Member Elite
since 2003-05-17
Posts 3404Pennsylvania |
Munda..:-) Thank you for the nice compliments...Glad you enjoyed the poem.....:-) |
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ice Member Elite
since 2003-05-17
Posts 3404Pennsylvania |
Sunshine Thanks for trying to help, hope your computer is over the virus, and thanks for the compliment....ice |
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ice Member Elite
since 2003-05-17
Posts 3404Pennsylvania |
Marge T Thanks for the welcome and the comments...:-) I don't mind sharing eraser duty with Marti, lol.....ice |
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garysgirl
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237Florida, USA |
Iceman, this is a beautiful triolet. I love this form, don't you? Hugs  Ethel |
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ice Member Elite
since 2003-05-17
Posts 3404Pennsylvania |
Thank you GG...:-) I agree, it is a beautiful form...perhaps the repeated lines make it more musical then most of the other forms? Thanks for the reply.....ice |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
This is well done, ice. You've managed to incorporate your repetitions and rhyme scheme nicely and you've got a lovely triolet as a result. The only critique I'd add to the above suggestions is that your meter isn't consistent. That is certainly a personal choice, and I happen to be a meter fanatic - so you can surely ignore my opinion on that part... Nice job, ice... |
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SmartChick Member Rara Avis
since 2001-09-23
Posts 7081On A Journey To The Unknown |
This is just great. |
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