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A home without a wall, |
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| Poetry Workshop |
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Towards the light - iambic heptameter? |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands 
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 I came across this ancient path and walked towards the light And wondered why the end of lane was still so shining bright My fantasy began to work and in my mind arose A picture of a little girl and who she was? Who knows She walked this lane quite frequently, her hand in Daddy’s hand And he showed her the beauty and the secrets of this land He told her ‘look, those rows of trees are planted long before The day that you were born my sweet and always there’ll be more They’re growing tall and up above their branches will connect They shelter us when sun is hot, thus treat them with respect’ The little girl looked up the trees and suddenly she saw A little chipmunk, sitting there and he waved with his paw ‘Look here’ he said ‘this is my home and you are welcome dear to visit my place any time, whenever you are here’ The little girl looked at her Dad, but he showed not one sign That he had seen the chipmunk too and she thought ‘he is mine’ Her Daddy pointed down below towards the cobbled stone ‘If you should count each one your friend, you’ll never be alone’ She started counting ‘one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight Nine, ten, eleven, twelf and more, I’m counting Daddy, wait So many friends I’ve never had and they’ll be always there And when I set my foot on them, they do not really care’ Her Daddy took her hand again and walked her down to grass ‘They may look all the same to you, but they are not my lass Look close and you will see the beauty in each blade of green And different flowers of a kind, fast people’ve never seen One flower smiled when she looked down and said in whispering voice ‘Whenever you want to lay down, make this your place of choice’ Then slowly they came to the end, where sun was shining bright Her Daddy said ‘when you feel lost, just walk towards that light And even if I’m not around, you’ll feel that warm embrace Of nature kissing you my lass, right there on your sweet face’ That’s what I thought, when I walked down this lane of history And in my mind I knew right there, that little girl? Is me! Like scattered leaves...my words will flow |
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| © Copyright 2003 Titia Geertman - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774Ontario, Canada |
Titia ... I am on my feet with a standing ovation for you!  I will leave the true critiquing to Nan and the class, but you know when I see iambic heptameter ... I just have to peek in and read. What a beautiful flow you had going throughout ... and such a wonderful story. Oh, I did enjoy this immensely! Well done!  Best wishes, /Kit |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
Kit, you make me blush  getting that praise from an expert like yourself makes me want to shout WOOOOHHOOOOOO!!Love'n hugs and Dutch knuffels too. Titia Like scattered leaves...my words will flow |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Was sind knuffels? |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
Knuffels are very big hugs in warm embracing, given to people you love  Like scattered leaves...my words will flow |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Danke. |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
I am beyond amazed. Titia, this is magnificent!!! What a wonderful piece of work this is...the structure is great and the story first-rate. You have my complete respect and admiration for this work. one flaw... Her Daddy took her hand again and showed her the green grass. For the iambic to hold, the word "the" would have to be accented but it doesn't read that way naturally. I would suggest... Her Daddy took her hand again and showed her blades of grass... (or something like that) Once again....BRAVO!!!!!  |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
Balladeer, thank you Sir for the lovely words you've send my way. On your suggestion I've changed that line to And Daddy took her hand again and walked her down to grass Hope that's ok in the iambic. Titia Like scattered leaves...my words will flow [This message has been edited by Titia Geertman (07-22-2003 09:03 PM).] |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
I commented upon this gem in Open, of course - but this gives me a second opportunity to tell you how great it is - I think perhaps it's your all time best, m'friend... Das ist sehr gut!!!...  |
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Bridget Shenachie Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056Kansas USA |
Hi Titia! You heard it from the experts! Me, I'm just awestruck. Good write! Shenachie |
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