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Within The Black
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Within The Black |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095
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Within The Black Toward the mist of cooing breeze I lean Beneath the trees and warmth of summers death With blades and clovers shimmering green The Eucalyptus murmurs barren breath Natures sway amorously stirs grey night A bird her song and stars her mirror-ball The autumn moon her commandeer of light The universe, somnolently enthralls Our mother earth, in glorious capture She stimulates a fragrant world unseen The foreign depths of these phenomena A drawing of breath a vista serene Yet silently she slaves within the black And I moan for this virtue which I lack. Dark Angel 290503 Note: this was taken and reworked from a poem which was written back I don't know when but is in one of the open forums in the archives. Thank you Nancy and Karilea for your input and advice with writing this sonnet. I hope I've done it right. Maree  If not... back to the drawing board! |
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fayth Junior Member
since 2003-05-03
Posts 19 |
Maree, Hi! looks like you got the meter Ok, sounds great. I'm not doing so well,  But I think if I keep reading ONLY sonnets I'm bound to think in pentameter. take care  |
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Marge Tindal 
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
DarkAngel~ I may not know much ... but I know this ... this is one of the most beautiful pieces I've EVER read !! It sits easy in my poetic heart~ Thank you~ *Huglets* ~*Marge*~ ~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~ [email protected] [This message has been edited by Marge Tindal (05-29-2003 01:21 PM).] |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Dark Angel, Your use of imagery is simply stunning. There were a few lines where I had to stress a normally unstressed syllable to make it read for me( notice I said "for me").Please don't think I'm nit-picking, this has all the makings of a great write. Doc |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Very nice Maree. Great theme and imagery. I did notice one rhyme that doesn't work though and, like Doc, the meter in a couple of places tripped me up a bit. Still, I enjoyed it very much. Pete |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Maree...You know me and meter...but the word use is sparkling...and I do appreciate your thinking you could come to me for help. What little I did was just showing you other corners to look into...but overall, your own personality and refined talents come through.... as it should be!  |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Look at that Dark Angel rhyming and using structure! I am beyond impressed! You did great, Marie. There are only a couple of rough spots... With blades and clovers shimmering green Here you are one syllable short and the iambic breaks down with SHIM-mer-ing GREEN. Shimmering has to go.. "With blades and clover gaily clad in green" or something similar would work. Natures sway amorously stirs grey night Here you are beginning the sentence with a trochaic word -NAtures. Since iambic is unaccented/accented, trochaic words are not used to begin iambic sentences. Also "AM-or-ous-LY" is not an iambic word. Something like... "The sway of Nature's passion stirs grey night" or something similar would work. Our mother earth, in glorious capture "GLOR-i-ous CAP-ture" is not iambic. Glorious is not an iambic word when followed by a trochaic word. If you were to say "glorious design" then glorious would be iambic but, since the following word begins with an accented syllable, glorious cannot be used as iambic. Since you are going to break the rhyme scheme anyway by using the word phenomena in a place that was supposed to rhyme with capture, it's a good idea to replace capture with something else. A drawing of breath a vista serene DRAW-ing of BREATH is not iambic, nor is a VIS-ta ser-ENE. Your wording is brilliant and the poem beautiful. If you clear up these mechanics, you will have a thing of beauty  |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Wow you guys, thank you so much for your lovely replies...I have alot of work to do with perfecting a sonnet this I know hehe. fayth, guess what? meter is wrong hehe but like you I thought I had it right too. Thank you for your lovely reply. Marge thank you, such a lovely thing to say. and I am glad it sits easy in your poetic heart Dr. Mooose1, hey there Doc...nope I do not think you are nit picking at all. I appreciate your comment very much. Thank you Hiya Pete...ok that rhyme that doesn't work..."capture" and "phenomea" that's my accent. I'm an Aussie therfore "capture" is not pronounce with an er ending but an ar ending..if you know what I mean. And I'm glad you still enjoyed it Thank you for your lovely reply.Sunshiny girl...."what little I did"? was alot m'friend and yes you did help me more than you know dear. I thank you very much. Thank you for your lovely reply. Balladeer, beyong impressed ey? I never thought I'd ever give it ago again but I want to write a sonnet waiiil! and yanno hopefully one day I will. I could hear that the structure was off but when I tried to correct it I couldn't hear it any better. When I read Pete's here the other day I heard it perfectly and it was beautiful. So I kinda know what to listen for but it just didn't work. Need to read more sonnets. Thank you so much for your help and for showing me where I've gone wrong. (I knew it was in there sosmwhere heh) With "capture" and "Phenomena" see above my reply to Pete. Will do my best to make this perfect. thank you all so very much for your kind replies and great advice. Maree. |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
By gosh - By golly --- We've got the master meter man, Balladeer helping out - Thankya Deer...  He's pretty thorough - All I have to say beyond that is... I enjoyed every line - Simply awesome...  |
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Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
well well--look who i found hiding here --and writing sonnets no less Love it Mmy- hugs girly JThere is society where none intrudes, by the deep sea, and music in its roar. |
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