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crossing fingers...
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crossing fingers... |
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Sally S. Senior Member
since 1999-06-07
Posts 847Ohio 
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My time has come and now I see A way to gain more strength inside. Though this may not be destiny True love, my soul will soon be free. |
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| © Copyright 1999 Sally - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
What do you think, guys?...  |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Ok, this is my weak part... The syllables count out properly, but the (rhythm?) seems to falter a bit, especially on the third line, with the use of "destiny," a the only three syllable word. Also the fourth line is difficult to work across... maybe because of the third line. I don't know... that is my best guess. The first two lines work beautifuly, but for some reason the last two don't seem to fit. Maybe I am reading it wrong! Please help me read it correctly if that is the case! (Sorry if it seems like I'm picking on you sally! Just ignore me... I'm the class clown!) |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Rhyme scheme and meter intact - The final two lines are good ones for repetitions - It's a go... |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Sally, I actually like this...to me it seems to count out right and despite the three syllable word, works well with it's meter. I really like it and am anxious to see where you go from here ------------------ Man can not discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore. |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Well I think it is lovely. It flows smoothly as I read it. I too am looking for where your going with this. |
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Sally S. Senior Member
since 1999-06-07
Posts 847Ohio |
Thanks for the compliments....I'm curious too...LOL Nan, I have a silly question. Are there certain punctuation rules that must be followed? I have the piece...just not sure of punctuation. Should I post it "as is"? |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
I think destiny works well in the third line ... and it makes the phrase an excellent "repeater" ... One question ... are you addressing a "true love" in this poem, or was that reference meant to be abstract (as in, addressing the concept rather than a person)? [This message has been edited by Nochtdraco (edited 10-06-1999).] |
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Michael
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-13
Posts 7666California |
I agree with Nocht, I love the use of Destiny in the third line... So far as form I like...so far as content, I feel the 'Not" in the third line contradicts the "True" in the fourth...but that is ony my humble opinion. (For if love is true, how can it not be destiny). I'm curious to see how this one ends up. ------------------ Michael Anderson When God puts a tear in your eye, He puts a rainbow in your heart. [This message has been edited by Michael (edited 10-06-1999).] |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Punctuation in a poem can be a very subjective thing. It determines how a piece is read by others. Look at your stanza this way... My time has come, and now I see. A way to gain more strength inside, Though this may not be destiny, True love. My soul will soon be free. You just have to punctuate properly to make your point...............points...... |
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Nicole Senior Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 1835Florida |
You know...this sounds good to me, and there isn't anything I can think of that everyone else hasn't already said. |
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Sally S. Senior Member
since 1999-06-07
Posts 847Ohio |
Nan....ya, but...um...I don't want any of those hyperactive eclipses..er.....hyperbolic ellipsis.  Guess we'll see what happens....LOL Nocht and Michael, Yes, I am addressing what I consider my true love..though, as you will see in the finished product, I am struggling with acceptance. [This message has been edited by Sally S. (edited 10-06-1999).] |
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