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Waiting for the wind (Terza Rima, I hope)
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Waiting for the wind (Terza Rima, I hope) |
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Wind
since 2002-10-12
Posts 2981
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I wait, for the breeze to sweep me of my feet, Cold night in November, I saw the silver moon Reflected in the water, sailed a ghostly fleet Saw the spirits of the earth float over golden dunes I cried out to the sky, what brought the sun's defeat? Bring the wind back, why do you let it leave so soon, Fled to the ocean salty, longing for the sweet Sleep overcame me, allowed my dreams to balloon In the world of my dreams, the wind came to greet I flew into the sky, and played the stars' sweet tune ~Liz~ Wow, that was actually fun to write. Ok now you can bombard me with tips and stuff, because I can tell I need them! |
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| © Copyright 2002 Liz - All Rights Reserved | |||
majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
I wait, for the breeze to sweep me of my feet, Cold night in November, I saw the silver moon Reflected in the water, sailed a ghostly fleet // i really like the rhyme of noevember and water, it really helps the flow of the piece. however, the inserto fo the moon between the cold ..., and , sailed... is hard to think about and awkward in terms of correct reference. you might re-think that a bit. also, silver moon is a bit used. Saw the spirits of the earth float over golden dunes I cried out to the sky, what brought the sun's defeat? Bring the wind back, why do you let it leave so soon, //i just really liked this stanza. Fled to the ocean salty, longing for the sweet Sleep overcame me, allowed my dreams to balloon In the world of my dreams, the wind came to greet // going from sweet to sleep without puncutation is awkward because you change tenses there. I flew into the sky, and played the stars' sweet tune //this line breaks the form i think. |
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Titia Geertman Member Ascendant
since 2001-05-07
Posts 5182Netherlands |
Hi Wind, I think you wrote a nice terza rima. Now you've done your homework come out to the sandbox to play. I've been sitting there long time building sandcastles LOL Majnu, this here is class where we learn and try to write different forms of poetry. If someone succeeds to do that, we are  , if not, we try to help to get it right, but we don't critique the poem itself (although you meant well) because this is not the critique forum.This is class It's really fun Sometimes we make a mess When we're done Teach Nanniness Says: Go play in the sun Like scattered leaves...my words will flow |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
my apologies, especially to wind. i had assumed the workshop was for both criticism and formulaic learning, thank you titia for letting me know what's what before i could further shove the foot in my mouth. -majnu |
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Wind
since 2002-10-12
Posts 2981 |
I was the one wha asked you to criticise me. Its OK, no offense taken, I enjoyed your advice  "Sticks and stones will break my bones, |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Liz, you've done a good job on your rhyme scheme here, and written a nice poem with a good theme...  Your meter isn't consistent, but that'll come with practice. No apologies necessary, majnu, as we're all here to learn from each other... |
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Tammy Blessing Member
since 2002-08-26
Posts 366PA |
I think it's an awesome first attempt Wind! Better than my so far non-existent one! LOL Thanks for coming out to "play" with us. Tammy |
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Bridget Shenachie Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056Kansas USA |
Hi Wind! I really enjoyed your terza rima and am still struggling with mine. You inspire! You did well with this form and your subject matter is fantastic! Shenachie |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Wind, you did great for a first attempt! [This message has been edited by Munda (11-18-2002 06:20 PM).] |
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