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SmartChick
Member Rara Avis
since 2001-09-23
Posts 7081
On A Journey To The Unknown

0 posted 2002-10-05 08:10 PM


Gone With The Yesterday
~ By Sue ~

Hopes of tomorrow
Are gone with the yesterday
Memories are left
Promises he always did make
Breaking them was his big mistake

10-5-02




© Copyright 2002 Sue Graves - All Rights Reserved
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
1 posted 2002-10-06 01:03 PM



Sue, you need to work on your syllable count...

Bridget Shenachie
Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056
Kansas USA
2 posted 2002-10-06 01:03 PM


Hi Sue!

It's fun being in class with you and I liked your tanka.  I did count 8 syllables in the last line.  You might want to drop one syllable.

I'm going to try to add a verse to turn this into the Choka thread that Miss Nan described.

Broken promises
A heartrending betrayal
Destruction of trust
Relationships end or mend
Do we want to try again?



Shenachie

SmartChick
Member Rara Avis
since 2001-09-23
Posts 7081
On A Journey To The Unknown
3 posted 2002-10-06 03:06 PM


Maybe I better just quit, while I am ahead.
Bridget Shenachie
Senior Member
since 2002-01-23
Posts 1056
Kansas USA
4 posted 2002-10-06 03:22 PM


Hi Sue!

Quit?  No way.  This is too good a start!  Our SmartChick is too valuable to us.

Shenachie

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
5 posted 2002-10-06 05:51 PM


No Sue, once you get in this place, Nan locks the door and takes away the key...you're stuck with us!

Here is yours...

Hopes of tomorrow
Are gone with the yesterday
Memories are left
Promises he always did make
Breaking them was his big mistake

Here is yours, revised!


Hopes of tomorrow
Are gone with all yesterdays
Memories are left
Promises he always made
Breaking them? One big mistake!

SmartChick
Member Rara Avis
since 2001-09-23
Posts 7081
On A Journey To The Unknown
6 posted 2002-10-06 09:27 PM


Ok Sunshine and Bridget! I went back and reread what I wrote. I don't know how I managed to make such a mistake, but I see the extra syllables in this one. I'm sorry! I will try to do another one.
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
7 posted 2002-10-06 09:41 PM



We're looking forward to it!

Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA
8 posted 2002-10-21 09:16 PM


A broken promise
Or miscommunication
Sheers the bond of trust.
Only time can heal fresh wounds
Carved so quickly in the heart.

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