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Titia Geertman
Member Ascendant

since 2001-05-07

Posts 5182
Netherlands

0 posted 2002-06-30 08:11 PM

Now you tell me if I did something right this time, thought it was dactylic...but what...what next????

Keeper of dreams, in my heart he will rest till the dawn of the day comes to rise
Holding him tight I will cherish him there for he always is in for surprise
Last time I dreamt it was such a weird dream and I know that he smiled towards me
Walking a path crossing meadows with sheep but the grass was not grass it was tea

Somehow the sheep they could swimm very well while they sucked in their food with a straw
Couldn't believe that I saw what I saw but they waved at me with their wet paw
Scared me to death so I ran rather fast towards I thought was end of this road
Holding my breath there was something real big till I saw it was only a goat

Here now you swine he was yelling quite loud while he showed me an ear tag real big
First I just laughed at the thought being tagged but his serious face made me sick
Tapping his back I said sorry dear lad but the tagging is only for sheep
Walking straight through he just vanished in air and I sank in the tea really deep

Then I was flying on wings of a dove rather big for my weight he could hold
Nowhere in sight was a piece of my land I could tell for the sun was too cold
Then I woke up with the cat on my face and her fur was all wet big surprise
Keeper of dreams in my heart he will rest till the dawn of the day comes to rise

Like scattered leaves...my words will flow

SmartChick
Member Rara Avis

since 2001-09-23

Posts 7081
On A Journey To The Unknown

1 posted 2002-07-01 12:36 PM

Enjoyed reading this, Titia.

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

2 posted 2002-07-01 09:50 AM

Bravo. I found one line that I think is missing a word and I'm sure that was just a typo.

quote:
Scared me to death so I ran rather fast towards I thought was end of this road

I think it should be, ... thought was THE end ...

Technically, I suppose a dactyllic line should end with the two unstressed syllables but that is really hard to do and make it sound the least bit interesting. The is a name for adding a syllable at the beginning or end of a line but I can't remember what it is. I think this is perfectly acceptable and makes for a much easier and more catchy read than if you had not added the stressed syllables.

Excellent work, my friend.
Pete

Titia Geertman
Member Ascendant

since 2001-05-07

Posts 5182
Netherlands

3 posted 2002-07-04 05:57 PM

Thanks Sue, I'm trying.

Not a Poet,

Scared me to death so I ran rather fast towards I thought was end of this road

This line is good as it is, because when I should put the 'the'in, the meter wouldn't be right anymore.

Titia

Like scattered leaves...my words will flow

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

4 posted 2002-07-05 08:20 PM

Strictly speaking, you may be right. But, I believe towards reads much better as one syllable or sound in this context. No matter how hard I try to read it as you intended, it still keeps coming out this way to me.

Scared me to death so I ran rather fast towards I thought was the end of this road

It just sounds funny to try pronouncing towards a two complete syllables here. In the language that Poe described it, I probably shouldn't say two syllables but should refer to it as the time that two syllables would require. Of course, this is just my untrained opinion but it's what I see anyway.

And I still say bravo! You have done very well.

Thanks,
Pete

Muys
Member

since 2002-04-06

Posts 389
The Netherlands

5 posted 2002-07-05 09:03 PM

Well you could be right, I won't argue on this, for my pronounciation of English sure is quite different from yours, and as it is your native language, I will follow your explanation.

Thanks for the compliment

Titia

Life on the internet begins at...90!

Dr.Moose1
Member Elite

since 1999-09-05

Posts 3448
Bewilderment , USA

6 posted 2002-07-13 09:54 PM

Titia,
Indeed , an excellent job with this. Your meter is flaw-less (except where Pete mentions).To repeat what so many others have said here, " I don't know how you do it ".
I have all I can do to write in one language!
Doc

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