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| How to Join | Member's Area | Private Library | Search | Sanctuary | Login | |
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| Main Forums | Discussion | Tech Talk | Mature Content | Archives |
A home without a wall, |
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| Poetry Workshop |
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Once a criminal....always a criminal |
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RobertB Senior Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 1104Champaign, IL 
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Once a criminal….. That my thoughts are a criminal passion is in no way a subject that’s doubted for free thinking I’ve followed as fashion and in life this philosophy touted. Yet there are those whose law I dishonored by pursuing the code of my reason with numerous penalties encountered a sentence equaled only with treason. In reformatory bonds came writings scribbles of an emancipated mind thoughts as if hallucinated sightings a Specter’s urgings while doing my time. Though jailers reveled at capturing me The reflective thinker inside was free. Robert ------------------ if you can dream; you can fly...if you are flying; you are dreaming. [This message has been edited by RobertB (edited 11-08-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 RobertB - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Here comes the critic, to darken yet another doorstep! (kidding, of course)  I liked this poem; and from what I counted (luckily, I have exactly ten trusty fingers), the syllable count was correct. Unfortunately, I was unable to find one line in the fourteen that followed an iambic meter. A great deal of the reason for this, I think, is that you utilized a number of polysyllabic words (and by that I mean having three or more syllables), which with the exception of rare cases, do not lend themselves to this particular rhythm. This is not to say that the poem was not intelligently written; it is indeed that, and for that I applaud you. However, it is not in the traditional format of a sonnet. My suggestion? Keep this one as is, and tell me to just bugger off; OR Keep this one as is, tell me to bugger off, and then try something a little more iambic!  Nocht |
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Jennifer Marie O'Neil Junior Member
since 1999-11-01
Posts 48port charlotte fl/bklyn ny |
I am no meter expert but i do believe some of the lines do have iambic pentameter - it is just harder certain words - i didnt use too many big words in my sonnet and not even on purpose - it just came easier that way - ------------------ Faith is to believe what we do not see, and the reward of faith is to see what we believe. AUGUSTINE |
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RobertB Senior Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 1104Champaign, IL |
Noch!! that was the kindest critique I have ever seen. I cannot tell you to bugger off after that one!! I will keep it as it is and try another one..maybe??? You are too kind...get tougher!!!!! Robert ------------------ if you can dream; you can fly...if you are flying; you are dreaming. |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Well, I don't have much to add to what Nocht said, but I will say that I like this poem! Can't wait to see what you come up with on your next try! --Kess |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Robert, I like the poem, but as Nocht stated, it doesn't follow the rigid standard of iambic pentameter that sonnets are to be written in. I'd like to see this one redone as a sonnet though. |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Robert, I liked the poem very much. Seems we are having the same problems : ) |
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Ohme Senior Member
since 1999-07-17
Posts 816Texas |
Robert, as you know, I have only written one sonnet. And it might have been correct only because it was an accident! Still, I like your poem. I will look for another post to see what you do.Munda, seems we are still sitting beside each other, But class isn't over!________ Lorene |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Geesh - there's always a class clown....  Now, let's see what we can do to shackle this wonderfully unfettered mind - Seems almost criminal, doesn't it??? Your rhyme scheme is OK - and your theme develops well... What shall we do with your miscreant meter????? or is that meter, miscreant??? My thoughts always a criminal passion A subject that has never been in doubt For thinking free I’ve followed as fashion It's been my life's philosophy I tout. Yet there are those whose law I dishonored In my pursuit, this code of my reason With many penalties I encountered a sentence equalled only with treason. Reformatory bonds became writings And scribbles of emancipated mind My thoughts were as hallucinate sightings, A Specter’s urge while I was doing time. Though jailers reveled they may capture me Reflective thinker inside me was free. YIKES - How are we EVER gonna get that mind in order? I don't think it's possible... I don't... Nope... NOT!!! *shaking head - shutting classroom door - taking a vacation now...* btw - Nice work!! |
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RobertB Senior Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 1104Champaign, IL |
Wow Nan....this is justlike Mrs Hertz's class!!!! I let my mind roam free and she put it all in order for me so the class could see what I was thinking. RobertB ------------------ if you can dream; you can fly...if you are flying; you are dreaming. |
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