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The Path I Took
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The Path I Took |
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cwebb Junior Member
since 2002-01-19
Posts 34 |
Along the road I daily took - above those bluffs, whose distant view traced river's passageway, I'd look; and daily looking - think of you. (The fog lay very soft, you know - and drifting, hid the distant shore I had the thought I'd tell you, so you'd see it, as you had before.) And in my mind, described the sight in words I'd use in painting clear - that loving you again, I might whisper softly in your ear. And as I traced this cherished thought - I realized what I'd forgot. |
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| © Copyright 2002 Carol Webber - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Caroline, it seems I completely missed this post! A sonnet it is not (yet) hehe, but you're getting there. I love the theme and with a little work on the meter, you should be able to turn this poem into a little sonnet song.  Should you still like some help, please let me know, but if you rather move on to Triolet I understand. |
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cwebb Junior Member
since 2002-01-19
Posts 34 |
Munda, thank you - and yes, I'm VERY open to any constructive criticism! In fact, that's why I'm here. I do know that each line of this has only 4 beats, rather than the required 5, by the way - that was deliberate. Do you think that takes it completely out of the realm of 'sonnet'? Carol |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Hey Carol... This is a wonderful piece. Many contemporary poets are modifying the standard iambic pentameter and using iambic tetrameter as you did here.... Remember that my theory is - If you're going to break the rules, you have to at least know them first - so you can break them properly. You've done that here. I see only one line that needs any adjustment at all... WHIS/per-SOFT/ly-IN/your-EAR This is one syllable short... I might add 'just' a syllable... like mayhaps.. Just whisper softly in your ear That puts your iambics into your tetrameter and completes an otherwise perfectly crafted work... I like it...  |
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cwebb Junior Member
since 2002-01-19
Posts 34 |
oho! Perfect, Nan - thank you!! I'd missed that completely (not hard to do when my head's elsewhere...) Carol |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Hehe... Nan makes it seem really easy doesn't she? I assure you it is not!  Does this mean your assignment is finished or would you like to dig into iambic?  |
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cwebb Junior Member
since 2002-01-19
Posts 34 |
Oh, definitely I'd like to go for iambic... I want this to become part of my vocabulary - and all the other forms, eventually. It seems to pay off enormously in terms of 'attention to detail'! So yes - Iambic, I SHALL RETURN!!! (when I have more energy!) Carol |
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
cwebb, Well, I see you are in excellent hands here (between Nan and Munda)so there's not too much I can add except to say, Iambic tetrameter is perhaps my favorite, although, sadly, it does not a sonnet make. Doc P.S. These two really know what they 're talking about, where as I, on the other hoof, am a bit of a nut-case. Doc |
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cwebb Junior Member
since 2002-01-19
Posts 34 |
er, thanks for the word of warning, Doc! I seem to have left my brain in bed this morning... ever feel yourself completely free of thought? C'est moi... What a week! |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
Sorry for being slow Carol. Please check your email. |
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