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Munda
Member Elite

since 1999-10-08

Posts 3544
The Hague, The Netherlands

0 posted 2002-01-21 07:36 PM

Beneath The Tree Of Life

Beneath the tree of life I lay my head;
Lost in tranquillity of life's embrace,
The leaves of past and present well imbed,
While future gently covers up my face.

A memory escapes in silent squall,
The hidden depths of what my heart conceals;
But yesterday's reflections can't enthral,
The daily blithefulness which life reveals.

With dewdrop tears I bid farewell to past,
For future will bestow leaves from above;
Astonished comprehension at long last;
At least I've known the beauty of true love.

Lost in tranquillity of life's embrace,
Beneath the tree of life I rest my case.

Munda

Titia Geertman
Member Ascendant

since 2001-05-07

Posts 5182
Netherlands

1 posted 2002-01-21 08:22 PM

Oh I've still a lot to learn, reading this.

Just beautiful, you deserve another apple.

Titia

A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess...
Want to use the pics on my website? Just send me a mail and I'll give you the link.

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

2 posted 2002-01-26 09:09 AM

Munda - I absolutely LOVE this piece... What a wondrous introspective reverie... You're really quite astounding, m'friend. Every time I read one of your masterpieces, I do so in awe - and find myself shaking my head in disbelief that you have mastered English sooo well that you can make your poetic words so darned mellifluent...

Does this mean I have to share my apples, Titia??...

GEESH...

Mysteria

Member Laureate

since 2001-03-07

Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada

3 posted 2002-01-26 06:09 PM

Munda it wasn't until I read Nan's comment I realized that English must be a second language to you, and I have to tell you that your command of it far exceeds a lot of people that hold English as their first language. What a wonderful piece of poetry, and I still can not master a sonnet, and trust me I am trying. This was astounding, thank you for sharing it.

~* CARPE' DIEM *~

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

4 posted 2002-01-26 07:34 PM

Munda, you wonderful lady, first of all, let me echo Nan's sentiments. To write as good as you do in itself is a great accomplishment, without throwing in the challenge of doing it in a second language. You remind me of Ayn Rand, in a way, a born Russian who wrote the most spectacular English I have ever seen. Hat's off to you...

Now let's go after this poem...

Actually the poem is perfection personified with the exception of one phrase found in two places. Sonnets are generally written in iambic (da DUM da DUM da DUM, etc). There is nothing that says they cannot also be written in trochaic (Da dum DA dum DA dum) or even a combination of the two, as long as the appearance of them is constant. For example, lines 1 and 3 being iambic with 2 and 4 being trochaic:

I'll never know what made her smile at me
Passion I had never known or needed
Passed through me like a wave upon the sea
Leaving my defenses all defeated.

In your sonnet, everything is iambic except the line "Lost in tranquility of life's embrace". It begins trochaic, with the accent on Lost...but even the trocaic breaks down and does not remain true.

LOST in tranQUILitY of LIFE'S emBRACE

As you see, the second and third syllables (in tran) are both short, killing the rythym. I would think that, reading this poem, you probably had the feeling that that line simply did not sound as smooth as the others....and that is why.

Personally, I would change the line to iambic, as all other lines are:

While lost in tranquil feel of Life's embrace
or
Tranquility is found in Life's embrace

Since sonnets follow such a stringent structure, there are certain combinations that will simply not work together..."in tranquility" is one of those. No matter how you use it, you are going to have those two unaccented syllables following each other (in tran).

Get rid of that and the sonnet is absolute perfection!!

Elizabeth Santos
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-11-08

Posts 9269
Pennsylvania

5 posted 2002-01-26 07:38 PM

Very well written, Munda
I loved the whole theme of the poem and the last two lines were great!
A wonderful piece
Liz

Dr.Moose1
Member Elite

since 1999-09-05

Posts 3448
Bewilderment , USA

6 posted 2002-01-27 09:36 AM

Munda,
You never cease to amaze. This was a beautiful read. I have to agree with Balladeer though as I too lost the rythm
on those lines. Thanks to his explanation,
I now not only know why, but also what it's called. More to study.
Doc

Suetang
Member Ascendant

since 2001-03-07

Posts 5187
Melbourne, Australia

7 posted 2002-01-27 04:13 PM

Hello Munda

This was so very beautiful and your words flowed so very well.

Take care....Sue

Suetang

Munda
Member Elite

since 1999-10-08

Posts 3544
The Hague, The Netherlands

8 posted 2002-01-27 06:21 PM

Thank you Titia. I think I may have enough apples to make us an "appeltaart." Would you like coffee with that?

Nan - Thank you for your always praising words. I wouldn't be where I am today without people like you around, who give me confidence in my own skills. Thank YOU!
Also my gratitude for pointing out "beatitude" has four syllables and not three as I thought for many years. What would I do without you? (Most likely I'd blush a lot less!

)

Mysteria - Thank you, thank you, thank you! I consider it a great compliment you assumed me to be a native English poet. My thanks for taking the time to read and reply. ~smiles~

Balladeer - What can I say when a gifted poet takes the time not only to read and reply to my poetry, but also takes the time to point out my errors and even explains the why, what, where and when. Ahum... well, something like that.

I can only say: "Thank you!"
I somehow knew that specific line wasn't "right", but I couldn't figure out why. Now I know and have learned something new. If I may, I'll ask Nan to edit it to: "While lost in tranquil feel of Life's embrace", geesh I really love that line. Thank you for your help.

Elizabeth - It's always such a pleasure to see your name attached to one of my poems. Thank you for your kind words M'Lady.

Dr. Moose - Amazement and in agreement with Balladeer? Oh boy, have stranger things ever happened?

Just kidding you Doc, thank you for taking the time to read and reply and for once I couldn't agree with you more... back to class, there's a whole lot more to study.

Sue - Thank you for dropping by at the Workshop and your kind words. I hope we'll see more of you.

[This message has been edited by Munda (01-27-2002 06:27 PM).]

Munda
Member Elite

since 1999-10-08

Posts 3544
The Hague, The Netherlands

9 posted 2002-01-28 12:57 PM

Since the replies to my sonnet wouldn't make much sense if I'd ask Nan to edit it, I decided to post the final version as a reply instead.

Beneath The Tree Of Life

Beneath the tree of life I lay my head;
While lost in tranquil feel of Life's embrace,
The leaves of past and present well imbed,
While future gently covers up my face.
A memory escapes in silent squall,
The hidden depths of what my heart conceals;
But yesterday's reflections can't enthral,
The daily blithefulness that life reveals.
With dewdrop tears I bid farewell to past,
For future will bestow leaves from above;
Astonished comprehension at long last;
At least I've known the beauty of true love.
While lost in tranquil feel of Life's embrace,
Beneath the tree of life I rest my case.

© Copyright 2002 Munda

Denise

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-08-22

Posts 22648

10 posted 2002-01-28 03:12 PM

Absolutely gorgeous, Munda! Lovely indeed!

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

11 posted 2002-01-28 05:46 PM

Sheer perfection, Munda!!!

Denise

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-08-22

Posts 22648

12 posted 2002-01-28 09:09 PM

Here you go, Munda! I've replaced the original with the revised sonnet!
http://artisticwords.homestead.com/Munda.html

Check out her Seagull poem everybody...one of my favorites!

Marge Tindal

Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-06

Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores

13 posted 2002-01-28 10:02 PM

Munda~
Stunningly beautiful~
*Hugs*
~*Marge*~

~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
[email protected]

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

14 posted 2002-01-29 12:47 PM

Hi Munda,

Sorry I have been so slow in commenting on this one. It is simply beautiful. I love it. I don't see anything to change in the final revision.

Thanks,
Pete

Tracey
Member Elite

since 2001-08-29

Posts 2808
where insanity meets breeding

15 posted 2002-01-29 10:00 PM

Lovely Munda. This really flows along. You have this sonnet thing worked out...wanna teach me?? Lol. Just kidding, I think I'll have to pass on this months class..this sonnet thing just isn't coming to me!!

If she who dies with the most toys wins, then can I have some toy boys please?

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