Undying Love ( a sonnet) - pipTalk Forums

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rosepetals25

Member Elite

since 2000-05-31

Posts 3076
PA

0 posted 2002-01-17 08:09 PM

Undying Love

My heart sings a song of undying love
Thanking the generous lord up above
For sending an angel like you to me
For showing me what it means to be free

I have never known such amazing bliss
Drawn from your warm lip’s, a tender sweet kiss
With one touch, passion burns deep in my soul
Your love fills me softly, making me whole.

I dream of the day I’ll become your bride
Standing tall with pride and love by your side
Waking every morn knowing you are there
Seeing in your dark eyes how much you care

On this enternal love we will rely
As our lifetime together passes by

I told Nan I would post a sonnet.. so there you go.. what's the verdict hehe

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

1 posted 2002-01-19 10:12 AM

Well red - I just blew it - I spent nearly an hour critiquing this work and showing you some pointers to set it to iambic pentameter - Then... I hit submit - and I had exceeded the 5 smilie limit...

I'm NOT a happy camper.. should've counted... YIKES... I don't believe I did that... eeewww ... I'll see if I can recall any of it in a bit.. I need a cup of coffee now...

Canuckster
Member

since 2002-01-09

Posts 285
New Mexico, USA

2 posted 2002-01-19 12:23 PM

It's not iambic pentameter but the troichees are pretty consistent and while it technically isn't a complete sonnet in the academic sense of the word, it's pretty good for keeping a consistent construction.

Have at it Nan! But I kinda like it as it is. The meter and beat seem to mirror the exuberance of the subject.

My 2 cents.

rosepetals25

Member Elite

since 2000-05-31

Posts 3076
PA

3 posted 2002-01-19 01:36 PM

Nan - I HATE when I do that

Take your time.. lol..there is no rush.

Canuckster - And sheesh do I need this forum LOL. I think I need a private tutor *chuckles* I have been writing consistenly for the past 2 years now, and I have to go look up every thing you just talkd about Canuckerster

I know.. I should know this stuff.. which is why I FINALLY got my behind in this forum lol. Thanks for taking time to read

"My heart is like an open book, for the whole world to read"
- Motley Crue, Home Sweet Home

Tracey
Member Elite

since 2001-08-29

Posts 2808
where insanity meets breeding

4 posted 2002-01-20 08:15 PM

I'll be interested to see what Nan comes back with, because it looked okay to me. I need to learn more about this form, before I can attempt to write one.

If she who dies with the most toys wins, then can I have some toy boys please?

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

5 posted 2002-01-27 09:23 AM

OK - One more time - Let's see if I can be more sensible with my smilies this time...

Your theme develops nicely - That works well... Your rhyme scheme is a series of seven couplets (pairs of rhyming lines). That deviates from the classic sonnet formats. Check in the direction thread - /pip/Forum22/HTML/000400.html - for January - That'll show you the standard options..

That leaves us with your meter. I'll show you how I read your lines, then make some minor nips & tucks to show you some possible revisions to adhere to iambic pentameter..

quote:

my-HEART/sings-a-SONG/of-un-DY/ing-LOVE (four LONG beats)
THANK-ing/the-GEN/er-ous-LORD/up-a-BOVE (a mixture of meter - four LONG beats)
for-SEND/ing-an-AN/gel-like-YOU/to-ME (four LONG beats)
for-SHOW/ing-me-WHAT/it-MEANS/to-be-FREE (mixed meter - four LONG beats)

I/have-NEV/er-KNOWN/such-a-MAZ/ing-BLISS (mixed meter - five LONG beats)
DRAWN/from-YOUR/warm-LIPS/a-TEN/der-sweet-KISS (mixed meter - five LONG beats)
with-ONE/touch-PAS/sion-BURNS/deep-IN/my-SOUL (iambic - pentameter - perfect!)
your-LOVE/fills-me-SOFT/ly-MAK/ing-me-WHOLE (mixed meter - four LONG beats)

i-DREAM/of-the-DAY/i’ll-be-COME/your-BRIDE (mixed meter - four LONG beats)
STAND-ing/TALL-with/PRIDE-and/LOVE-by/your-SIDE (mixed meter - five LONG beats)
WAK-ing/EV-er/y-MORN/KNOW-ing/YOU-are/THERE (mixed meter - six LONG beats)
SEE-ing/in-YOUR/dark-EYES/how-MUCH/you-CARE (mixed meter - five LONG beats)

on-THIS/e-TER/nal-LOVE/we-WILL/re-LY (iambic pentameter - perfect)
as-our-LIFE/time-to-GETH/er-PASS/es-BY (mixed meter - four LONG beats)

Here are some possible revisions - Remember - Ignore any advice that you don't like. It's YOUR poem...

quote:

My heart sings songs of ever-lasting love
To thank Lord's generosity above
For sending you, an angel, down to me
For showing me the meaning to be free

I've never known such pure amazing bliss
Drawn from your lips, a sweet and tender kiss
One touch, and passion burns deep in my soul
Your love so softly fills and makes me whole.

My dream's the day when I’ll become your bride
With pride and love to stand tall by your side
Awake each morning knowing you are there
To see in your dark eyes how much you care

On this eternal love we will rely
Our life as one together passes by

Take what you like - Toss out what you don't...

[This message has been edited by Nan (01-27-2002 09:29 AM).]

Titia Geertman
Member Ascendant

since 2001-05-07

Posts 5182
Netherlands

6 posted 2002-01-27 09:42 AM

I love the meaning of your poem rosepetals25, but as others already pointed out, the meter is not flowing quite right.

But that's why we have teach Nanniness, to show us how to do it right.

Thanks for sharing

Titia

A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess...
Want to use the pics on my website? Just send me a mail and I'll give you the link.

rosepetals25

Member Elite

since 2000-05-31

Posts 3076
PA

7 posted 2002-01-27 11:58 AM

Wow. I think I'm in ALOT of trouble with this iambic pentameters and stuff. LOL. I am completely missing how to "count" these beats.. which is why only 2 lines in the poem were ok *chuckles* Do you have any hints about how I might be able to count my meters better? ANYTHING little peice of advice would help. Teachhhhhh me Nan

Tara

"My heart is like an open book, for the whole world to read"
- Motley Crue, Home Sweet Home

Marge Tindal

Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-06

Posts 42384
Florida's Foreverly Shores

8 posted 2002-01-28 10:07 PM

RosePetals25~
I loved it ... for the sheer beauty of thought~

*Pssst ... I'm not so good at that Da-Dum stuff ...
but, I push a mean Merry-Go-Round !

*Hugs*
~*Marge*~

~*The pen of the poet never runs out of ink, as long as we breathe.*~
[email protected]

Munda
Member Elite

since 1999-10-08

Posts 3544
The Hague, The Netherlands

9 posted 2002-01-29 12:32 PM

LOL Marge!

Tara - I'm sorry we could not be online simultanious, but let's face it... who else but Nan can do such a good job as she did?

I really liked your poem in the first place. As for advice on understanding iambic better, I can only tell you what I did... I read sonnets out loud over and over again.

[This message has been edited by Munda (01-29-2002 12:33 PM).]

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