Did I write a sonnet??? - pipTalk Forums

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Titia Geertman
Member Ascendant

since 2001-05-07

Posts 5182
Netherlands

0 posted 2002-01-11 07:44 PM

Is this a sonnet or is it just nothing, just words rhyming?

You know that feeling to be short of time
Well not for ever, while that could not be
But I've to attend so many things you see
So many things there's no time for rhyme

I'm working full time so the nights are short
That's what I think but I should've known better
I have to choose priorities to that matter
I can handle it there's no man overboard

Tonight I should have attended my sheep
But my daughter came over with her friend
Hours of laughter, drinking and talking we spend
And now it's the hour of good nighty night sleep

But still I will attending to my sheep to feed
For they have quite a diff'rent kind of need

A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess...
Want to use the pics on my website? Just send me a mail and I'll give you the link.

Duncan
Member Ascendant

since 2001-08-07

Posts 5455

1 posted 2002-01-12 01:10 AM

Tonight I should have attended my sheep
But my daughter came over with her friend
Hours of laughter, drinking and talking we spend
And now it's the hour of good nighty night sleep

I have no idea...but I sure enjoyed the write!

Titia Geertman
Member Ascendant

since 2001-05-07

Posts 5182
Netherlands

2 posted 2002-01-12 07:35 PM

Thanks Duncan, but I've learned this one is not quite right. I'll have to try again.

Titia

A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess...
Want to use the pics on my website? Just send me a mail and I'll give you the link.

Canuckster
Member

since 2002-01-09

Posts 285
New Mexico, USA

3 posted 2002-01-15 10:58 AM

Since you ask, I'll try and be technical.

You know that feeling to be short of time

(Feels good and iambic to me.)

Well not for ever, while that could not be

(small punctuation issues, I'd put a comma after well and "for ever" should be forever, I think)

But I've to attend so many things you see

(You loose the meter here.  The extra syllable is not a killer.  You could probably drop the "But" and be better without it.)

So many things there's no time for rhyme

(the meter is choppy here too.  You'd actually be better having "is" as a full word here rather than apostrophizing it.)

(The rhyme is good.)

I'm working full time so the nights are short

(Good line, feels natural.  Full-time usually uses a hypen)

That's what I think but I should've known better

(Meter imperfection here.)

I have to choose priorities to that matter

(meter again is choppy and you have a full extra foot in this line for 12 beats which is a definite "no-no" in a sonnet.)

I can handle it there's no man overboard

(11 beats here.  Probably should be a comma after it.)

(The rhymes are not natural here.  Short, better, matter, overboard.  These are more assonances than rhymes.)

Tonight I should have attended my sheep

You lose the meter with the words "have attended"  That's a troichee or 3 emphasized syllables in a row if I remember my terminology correctly)

But my daughter came over with her friend

(meter again is choppy)

Hours of laughter, drinking and talking we spend

(the "and" here throws your meter off.  Putting the verb at the end of a sentence is not natural in most cases in english.  It is done to make lines work in sonnets, but is considered a contrivance and thus a flaw.)

And now it's the hour of good nighty night sleep

(12 beats.  Can't do this in a sonnet.  Meter not clean)

But still I will attending to my sheep to feed

(Attending should be attend.  Drop the "to" before sheep and the meter works.)

For they have quite a diff'rent kind of need

(and a good line at the end with good meter.)

Sorry to be so thoroughly nit-picky, but you asked and I hope this helps.

never try to teach a pig to sing
it wastes your time AND annoys the pig

Titia Geertman
Member Ascendant

since 2001-05-07

Posts 5182
Netherlands

4 posted 2002-01-15 05:06 PM

Thanks to you all, in particular Canuckster for her/his?? thorough explanation.

I knew it wasn't right, forgot a few rules.
My next one 'Balladeersong' is much better.

It will come to me, I'm sure

Thanks for your effort, I really apriciate it.

Titia

A rose is a rose is a rose...I guess...
Want to use the pics on my website? Just send me a mail and I'll give you the link.

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

5 posted 2002-02-11 12:44 PM

Methinks you listened to Canuckster well...

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