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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
Release A tentacle sprung from a sad dear bloom, To which eerie flashes spoke out in tongues. She sighed a deep sweet breath of pure gloom, At the death slithering into her lungs. Darkness came about with a fit so grey While fluidly, linctus seeped in a vein. The eyes of a patcher detailed dismay For efforts at keeping her were inane. Feathered faces of golden perfection, Filled her court like a dazzling cyclone. As a bleak motion towards her protection, Meant removing life to places unknown. Alas! She then left her realm of despair, In gathered seams of Septembers dense air. ------------ Ok this is my very first sonnet. If you could pick at it and tell me where it needs fixing, it'd be really, really nice.  Elizabeth If this is all the world has to offer, I want a refund on my life. |
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| © Copyright 2002 Elizabeth Johnson - All Rights Reserved | |||
Elizabeth
Moderator
Member Ascendant
since 1999-06-07
Posts 6871Minnesota |
I'll help you if you'll help me, Elizabeth (did I ever tell you that you have a very pretty name?  ).I think you've done a good job here, especially for a first attempt. The only problem I could find was with the meter. A tentacle sprung from a sad dear bloom,--good, both the meter and the image These next three lines the meter was a bit awkward: To which eerie flashes spoke out in tongues. She sighed a deep sweet breath of pure gloom, At the death slithering into her lungs. Darkness came about with a fit so grey While fluidly, linctus seeped in a vein.--meter is good here The eyes of a patcher detailed dismay For efforts at keeping her were inane.--again, a bit awkward, as it is in the next four Feathered faces of golden perfection, Filled her court like a dazzling cyclone. As a bleak motion towards her protection, Meant removing life to places unknown. Alas! She then left her realm of despair, In gathered seams of Septembers dense air.--in these last two lines, the meter is good I'll show you what I mean by awkward. Nan has said iambic pentameter reads like this: da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM with the accent on every other syllable. That's how the meter was in the first line, for example. a TEN ta CLE sprung FROM a SAD dear BLOOM In other lines however, the meter seemed forced. For example: feath ERED fa CES of GOL den PER fec TION If this line was said in a conversation, it would be accented as such: FEATH ered FA ces of GOL den per FEC tion (at least it would be when I speak, lol) See what I mean? Other than the meter problems, this was very nicely done. I'll look for more sonnets by you.  God bless America, my home sweet home. |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
This is indeed a great first effort and I couldn't have explained the meter any better than Elizabeth did. If you work a little more on this poem, I'm sure it will be a sonnet in no time. Very well done and I'm looking forward to more. |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
Thank you so much for that, Elizabeth! I usually write in freeverse for everything so actually having to stick to a format was a culture shock...hehe. All that info you gave me is a godsend. That combined with Nans information will definitely be useful. Thank you too, Munda. When I revise it and attempt to actually make the meter the way it's meant to go, I'll repost it or maybe try something different. Oh and yes, Elizabeth is a very pretty name.  ~AF~ If this is all the world has to offer, I want a refund on my life. |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
These kind ladies know of what they speak... Let's see what I might add.. A-TENT/a-CLE/sprung-FROM/a-SAD/dear-BLOOM - (This line works) TO/which-EER/ie-FLASH/es-SPOKE/out-in-TONGUES - (Your meter is off a bit here) Suggestion - with-EER/ie-FLASH/es-SPOK/en-OUT/in-TONGUES she-SIGHED/a-DEEP/sweet-BREATH/of-PURE/gloom (You're short one syllable) Suggestion - she-SIGHED/a-DEEP/sweet-BREATH/of-PURE/est-GLOOM at-the-DEATH/SLITH/er-ING/in-TO/her-LUNGS (The meter is a bit off here) Suggestion – as-DEATH/was-SLITH/er-ING/in-TO/her-LUNGS DARK/ness-CAME/a-BOUT/with-a-FIT/so-GREY – (One little syllable change will fix the meter) Suggestion – a-DARK/ness-CAME/a-BOUT/with-FIT/so-GREY while-FLU/id-LY/LINC/tus-SEEPED/in-a-VEIN – (The meter is off a bit) Suggestion – while-FLU/id-LY/as-LINC/tus-SEEPED/in-VEIN (this adds a little word play as well) the-EYES/of-a-PATCH/er-de-TAILED/dis-MAY – (The meter is off again) Suggestion - a-PATCH/ers-EYES/de-TAILED/a-DEEP/dis-MAY for-EF/forts-at-KEEP/ing-her-WERE/in-ANE – (Moving one syllable will do it) Suggestion - for-EF/forts-AT/her-KEEP/ing-WERE/in-ANE FEATH/ered-FAC/es-of-GOLD/en-per-FEC/tion, - (This line ends in the wrong meter – a different end rhyme is necessary to fix it) Suggestion – as-FEATH/ered-FAC/es-GOLD/en-TO/per-FECT FILLED/her-COURT?like-a-DAZ/zl-LING/cy-CLONE – (a little schmoozing here) Suggestion – her-COURT/filled-LIKE/-a-DAZ/zl-LING/cy-CLONE as-a-BLEAK/MO/tion-to-WARDS/her-pro-TECT/ion, - (end rhyme needs changing) Suggestion – a-MO/tion-BLEAK/to-WARDS/her-TO/pro-TECT meant-re-MOV/ing-LIFE/to-PLAC/es-un-KNOWN. – (A slight meter adjustment needed) Suggestion - re-MOV/ing-LIFE/to-PLAC/es-YET/un-KNOWN a-LAS/she-THEN/LEFT/her-REALM/of-de-SPAIR – (Meter adjustment in order) Suggestion - a-LAS/she-THEN/de-PART/ed-HER/de-SPAIR in-GATH/ered-SEAMS/of-sep-TEM/bers-dense-AIR – (One syllable moved fixes it) Suggestion - in-GATH/ered-SEAMS/of-DENSE/sep-TEM/ber-AIR Your theme flows nicely and your rhyme scheme is intact.. That part is great. The meter is always the problem… Remember - These are only suggestions. Take what you like – Ignore the rest. Here’s how your sonnet would read with the changes. quote: [This message has been edited by Nan (02-10-2002 09:54 AM).] |
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