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My attempt
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My attempt |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration 
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The symphony of night, dost beckon to my heart. And flails me with its might, my fate succumbs to blight. |
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| © Copyright 1999 C.G. Ward - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Comments anyone? |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Ok Nan....here goes...LOL. It flows smoothly and is in trimeter. The rhyming scheme is right and it has a nice feel to it. I like this beginning very much and I feel a bit intimidated. I know my attempt wasn't so well done. I have so much to learn. Great job Christopher. |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Oh, I love the idea.....my question concerns the first line...it's got an extra syllable in it and it's rhythm varries from the rhythm of the other three lines as far as which syllables are accented ------------------ Man can not discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore. |
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Nicole Senior Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 1835Florida |
Ok..I know *very* little about meter, so I won't go there.  It seems to me that the syllables are the same with each line, but I'm really curious about the last two lines. They're supposed to be repeated (i think?) throughout the poem..and I'm interested in how you will work them into the rest of the piece! Wicked start Christopher!  |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Christopher your rhyme scheme is intact, and your meter is good. Every line is in iambic trimeter. I read it as... The-SYM/phon-Y/of-NIGHT, dost-BECK/on-TO/my-HEART. And-FLAILS/me-WITH/its-MIGHT, my-FATE/suc-CUMBS/to-BLIGHT. My biggest question with this one is your theme. The last line intimates a negative flow to your poem. Is that your intent? These last two lines will be repeated throughout the poem - Make sure they're saying what you want the poem to relate to the reader. ...and since your rhyme and meter are so good, perhaps I can pick on your punctuation?? This is a pretty darned good start. Stay tuned for step two.... Nancy |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
I don't know if it's legal for you to touch my punctuation Nan, I am kind of young you know... Aw, what the heck! After blushing furiously, (since I had forgotten that the last two lines were to be repeated, I made a single modification as follows: The symphony of night, dost beckon to my heart. It flails me with its might, my fate succumbs to blight. Much easier to start a line with "It," as opposed to "And!" PS: Of course I have a dark intent NAN! I am after all me, and have a reputation to uphold! Now about that punctuation.... |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
You've just over-punctuated........ (hyperbolic ellipsis)Try this: The symphony of night Dost beckon to my heart. It flails me with its might; My fate succumbs to blight. (psssssst - You guys - Don't tell him, but I changed his first letters on each line to caps too)... |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
LOL Nan! |
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Michael
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-13
Posts 7666California |
Yeah, I'll comment - i think Chris is sucking up to the teacher...hahaha excellent work in my honest opinion. ------------------ Michael Anderson When God puts a tear in your eye, He puts a rainbow in your heart. |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
I can't say I have ever been flailed by the night, but I'll try anything once!! (hee hee) Anyway, that line intrigues me ... can't wait to see the finished product. Nocht |
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