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On The Floor
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On The Floor |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
I lay broken on the floor. You know you put me there. I dream of walking on the shore. I can not make it to the door. |
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| © Copyright 1999 Marilyn - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
This is an excellent start - It's a good quatrain to work with - Let's see what everyone else (non-participants as well) has to say before I make my own comments.....  Nancy |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
OK...I have a question re: the syllables. Am I misinterpreting, or are they "offbeat?" Here's how I see(hear) them: -/-/-/- -/-/-/ -/-/-/-/ -/-/-/-/ To me, that is 7 for the first line, 6 for the second, and 8 for the last two lines. No offense intended of course, and I would love for someone to correct me, but might it be better to either balance them, (ie: 7-7-8-8,) or to make them all the same, (ie:8-8-8-8?) It seems "stumbly," and I was wondering! |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
The rhyme works well here, as does the flow run smoothly.....the syllable count is a bit uneven though ------------------ Man can not discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore. |
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Nicole Senior Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 1835Florida |
Regarding the syllables, maybe if a couple words were added to the first two lines, it would smooth things out. I agree with Hoot, the rhyme works well! |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
I have been working on the syllable count of the first two lines. I realize that they are off and have been trying to see what I can do with them. The second I have had trouble with but the first I thought this: Here I lay broken on the floor. The second line needs two more syllables to complete it but I have had a writers block. Any help would be appreciated! |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
The three important points to remember are: theme, rhyme, and meter. 1) The theme of this quatrain can certainly be developed nicely - That's good 2) The rhyme scheme works - and you can certainly come up with enough words that rhyme with "shore and door", as well as "there" to develop the poem well. 3) You guys are right - The first two lines are out of meter. The last two lines set the meter in iambic tetrameter, and the first two need to be in "sync" to smooth out the flow of the poem. Here's how I read these lines... I/lay-BRO/ken-ON/the-FLOOR. You-KNOW/you-PUT/me-THERE. I-DREAM/of-WALK/ing-ON/the-SHORE. I-CAN/not-MAKE/it-TO/the-DOOR. Without taking any poetic license so early in the game, the first line is missing an unstressed syllable - possibly in the first foot ***__-I/lay-BRO/ken-ON/the-FLOOR*** Or it could be read as ***i-LAY/__-BRO/ken-ON/the-FLOOR*** (also - be aware that "lay" is the past tense of "lie" in this context - Is that your intent?) The second line is one entire "foot" short of tetrameter.... See what you can do to iron that out, Marilyn - Then you'll be ready for step two..... Nancy |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Nan.....Yes the past tense of lie is my intent there. Ok...rewrite. How is this? Here I lay broken on the floor. It was you who threw me there. I dream of walking on the shore. I can not make it to the door. [This message has been edited by Marilyn (edited 10-04-1999).] |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Almost - the syllable count is intact in line one and needs just one more syllable in line two. To me (and it's often subjective) the meter now reads... HERE/i-LAY/BRO-ken/ON-the/FLOOR IT/was-YOU/who-PUT/me-THERE How about.... i-LAY/here-BRO/ken-ON/the-FLOOR. you-WERE/the-ONE/who-THREW/me-THERE. I-DREAM/of-WALK/ing-ON/the-SHORE. I-CAN/not-MAKE/it-TO/the-DOOR. What do you think?? [This message has been edited by Nan (edited 10-05-1999).] |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Works for me Nan. Doesn't change the feeling I have intended in the least. |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Alright...I have been thinking about this progression and this is whaat I have come up with. I dream of walking on the shore Do you see me or don't you care? I can not make it to the door All huddled here confused and sore I'm caught and can't escape your lare I dream of walking on the shore In to the darkness I do stare To raise my head is such a chore I can not make it to the door My soul crys out " oh please no more!" All I wanted was for you to share I dream of walking on the shore Your words have bruised me to the core I bang my head upon a chair I can not make it to the door I lay here broken on the floor You were the one who threw me there I dream of walking on the shore I can not make it to the door I know that it is still rough. It needs to be smoothed out but I am still unsure how to do that fully. So how do you think I did for a first attempt? [This message has been edited by Marilyn (edited 10-05-1999).] [This message has been edited by Marilyn (edited 10-06-1999).] |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Marilyn, you've repeated b - That's the wrong line for your repetition. You can hit the edit icon in your last box and just rework it there - You don't need to repost the whole thing... Be back later.. We'll work on the meter after we get the repetitions right - Have a great day [This message has been edited by Nan (edited 10-06-1999).] |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
OK, Marilyn - I've done some minor meter mending..... Now, if this suits you, just look and see if you're happy with the sequence of your lines. If you want, you can always juxtapose some of them as long as you maintain their proper rhyme scheme. It's all up to you now... You've put lots of work into this, for sure... I dream of walking on the shore. Do you not see or don't you care? I can not make it to the door. All huddled here confused and sore, I'm caught and can't escape your lair. I dream of walking on the shore. To raise my head is such a chore, Into the darkness I do stare; I can not make it to the door. My soul cries out, "Oh please, no more!" I wanted just for you to share; I dream of walking on the shore. Your words have bruised me to the core. I bang my head upon a chair; I can not make it to the door. I lay here broken on the floor. You were the one who threw me there; I dream of walking on the shore. I can not make it to the door. |
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