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I Am Old - second attempt at blank verse
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I Am Old - second attempt at blank verse |
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Kethry Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082Victoria Australia 
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A little help would be appreciated. I believe this is blank verse. I know I have the syllabic count write but I believe by iambs are off. Can anyone assist. Please!I am somewhat old, you are much younger My days of summer, living loving done In my youth, I asked a burning question That currently I have no answer for How can ancient age and youth be married? An answer is revealed in time's forecasting Older mirrored image now I'm sharing When could daytime couple with the nighttime? Could stars and sun at once both shine above? I am somewhat old, you are much younger As role playing is reversed this time round I answer no, this cannot ever be With longing aching heart I turn away I go to endless sleep you go to life Those of us who refuse to risk and grow get swallowed up by life. Patty Hansen. |
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| © Copyright 2001 Lynne Dale - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Dr.Moose1 Member Elite
since 1999-09-05
Posts 3448Bewilderment , USA |
Kethry , I believe the foot count is proper , yet as worded the stressed syllable is somewhat halting . Perhaps simply omitting the punctuation would help with the flow ? Doc |
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Kethry Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082Victoria Australia |
Doc, I know! I know, I'm only ever happy with my foot in my mouth. *s* Keth Those of us who refuse to risk and grow get swallowed up by life. Patty Hansen. |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
I'm sorry it took me a while, but I've been a bit busy lately. LOL Aren't we all? I tried to change it to iambic pentameter with my best knowledge, keeping as much of your original words as possible. Great poem and you had quite a bit in iambic already, so be proud! Hope this is of some help. I am the one much older than you are My days of summer living, loving done I asked myself a question in my youth That currently I have no answer for Can there be marriage for old age and youth? An answer not revealed to me by time (Or: An answer is revealed to me in time) An older mirrored image now I share Since when can daytime couple with the night? Can stars and sun at once both shine above? I am the one much older than you are Reversed this time the play of roles around I answer no, this cannot ever be With longing aching heart I turn away I go to endless sleep you go to life (This is correct iambic pentameter, but LOL I would change it to: While I start endless sleep and you start life) Just my thoughts and hope it helps a bit to understand iambic. Great attempt... now do a re-write!  Munda [This message has been edited by Munda (edited 04-19-2001).] |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
I surely am grateful to have you here this month, Munda... Maybe I'll dub you my official assistant here... This is a pretty good adaptation to iambic pentameter, Kethry - Munda's done well... and I have to apologize for being so difficult to find throughout these few weeks... It just can't be helped - But summer is nearly here... YEAH..  |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
I really like this piece. I thought it flowed nicely, and the subject is portrayed very well. I especally like the last line. Thanks for sharing.  "Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel."-Machiavelli |
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Romy Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1170Plantation, Florida |
Yes, it seemed to me to have a nice rhythm to it while I was reading. I thought the subject was interesting and the questions in the poem thought-provoking. Great poem! Debbie |
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