Eternal Love -- Halloween Pantoum

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Alicat
Member Elite

since 1999-05-23

Posts 4094
Coastal Texas

0 posted 1999-10-17 10:30 PM

Eternal Love -- Halloween Pantoum

My lover true will never die
She draws her final shuddered breath
Her rosy cheeks give birth to lie
My Satiate dances now with Death

She draws her final shuddered breath
Her cheeks still full of rosy hue
My Satiate dances now with Death
She quickly cools before my view

Her cheeks still full of rosy hue
I know I'll never let her go
She quickly cools before my view
But no one ever needs to know

I know I'll never let her go
Perhaps I am a bit unstable
But no one ever needs to know
She's underneath my coffee table

Perhaps I am a bit unstable
She'll stay with me until the end
She's underneath my coffee table
And I can always play pretend

She'll stay with me until the end
Her rosy cheeks give birth to lie
And I can always play pretend
My lover true will never die

Alicat's rough draft

DreamEvil
Member Elite

since 1999-06-22

Posts 2396

1 posted 1999-10-17 11:40 PM

Structurally 'tis sound. I find one point which grabbed my attention at the outset; the varying number of syllables per line. The same meter is not kept throughout as some lines have 8 syllables and some 9. There is a consistent 8-9-8-9 quatrain for part of it and I think that might work well throughout the entire piece. The format is flawless including the final stanza's reversal of lines 1 and 3 of stanza 1.

This piece likes me much.

------------------
Now and forever, my heart hears ~one voice~.
DreamEvil©

Alicat
Member Elite

since 1999-05-23

Posts 4094
Coastal Texas

2 posted 1999-10-17 11:50 PM

Thanks DE. I had written this one in the format which Nan specified. The meter scheme was up to me, so I choose iambic tetrameter, which counts the beats, not the syllables. I do thank you for pointing that out, but the only style I know which counts syllables would be the haiku and variants thereof.

Now, as for varying syllables, I understand how they could affect the meter, but to this soft southern accented speaker it would probably sound differently to Nan, you or Satiate...hell, would probably read differently to anybody north of the Red River.

But I do thank you for the literary criticism...this is the first pantoum I have ever written.

Alicat

Nicole
Senior Member

since 1999-06-23

Posts 1835
Florida

3 posted 1999-10-18 12:06 PM

Ali...ummm....so..um, are ya bringin' a coffee table with you when you move here?..just checkin, yanno...

Seriously though, the repitiions are right on, the meter seems fine to me except one little bitty line that I stumbled on. But, like I've said before, I have a somewhat clumsy mind.

DreamEvil
Member Elite

since 1999-06-22

Posts 2396

4 posted 1999-10-18 03:17 PM

On meter and syllable counting; Iambic feet consist of two syllables, one soft and one stressed. Tetrameter is a line of verse consisting of four metrical feet. The beats and syllables are one and the same. Iambic tetrameter would then be 8 syllables, 4 soft and 4 stressed.

As I said before though, 'tis wondrously done and I will look forward to seeing more pantoums from you.

One last point, though 'tis obvious, the best subjects for pantoums are those that lead back to where they began.

------------------
Now and forever, my heart hears ~one voice~.
DreamEvil©

Alicat
Member Elite

since 1999-05-23

Posts 4094
Coastal Texas

5 posted 1999-10-18 03:25 PM

OK, thanks DE. Like I had said,

this is the first pantoum I have ever written, and had a lot of fun messing with the lines so that they would interlock within each verse. Upon reflection, I can see some of the confusion, as some lines contain a half beat or a soft extra syllable, creating the 9 counts. Guess I'll just have to tear it all apart and check each line.

Alicat

hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius

since 1999-07-05

Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA

6 posted 1999-10-18 04:01 PM

Alicat....I truly enjoyed this, had meself a good laugh I did

First attempt, wonderful....comments: don't let it be your last

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This is courage...to bear unflinchingly what heaven sends. ~Eurpides

Nicole
Senior Member

since 1999-06-23

Posts 1835
Florida

7 posted 1999-10-18 04:50 PM

You tear this all apart, and I'll smack ya!

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

8 posted 1999-10-19 07:51 AM

Mornin' Persnickety...
You've done well for a fifteen minute venture - Your format works well - and of course, your theme develops nicely under the coffee table - sounds really comfy to me...

That coffee table, though is the one thing that throws off your meter. the words "table" and "stable" are inherently trochaic words - (TA-ble and STA-ble). Neither one fits into an iambic end rhyme, no matter how I schmooze it in my mind. (ta-BLE and sta-BLE just don't work)

Now I'm not suggesting that you dispense with the coffee table altogether - Satiate wouldn't have that - I hear she's planning on your bringing one with you - but - can you move it into the middle of the line and come up with a different end rhyme?

Very interesting poem, Alicat - *shaking head in wonderment*....

Nan

Alicat
Member Elite

since 1999-05-23

Posts 4094
Coastal Texas

9 posted 1999-10-20 08:23 AM

Eternal Love -- Halloween Pantoum

My lover true will never die
She draws her final shuddered breath
Her rosy cheeks give birth to lie
My Satiate dances now with Death

She draws her final shuddered breath
Her cheeks still full of rosy hue
My Satiate dances now with Death
She quickly cools before my view

Her cheeks still full of rosy hue
I know I'll never let her go
She quickly cools before my view
But no one ever needs to know

I know I'll never let her go
As she was such a pretty lass
But no one ever needs to know
She's underneath the table glass

As she was such a pretty lass
She'll stay with me until the end
She's underneath the table glass
And I can always play pretend

She'll stay with me until the end
Her rosy cheeks give birth to lie
And I can always play pretend
My lover true will never die

Alicat's rough draft, #2

Marilyn
Member Elite

since 1999-09-26

Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada

10 posted 1999-10-20 09:05 AM

I like this one, not saying I didn't like the other. I didn't stumble through this one Alicat. You changed some of the lines but still kept the theme in tact. Well done.

hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius

since 1999-07-05

Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA

11 posted 1999-10-20 10:38 AM

Nicely done Alicat. But if I were Satiate, I'd be just a bit worried;-)

DreamEvil
Member Elite

since 1999-06-22

Posts 2396

12 posted 1999-10-20 12:58 PM

Excellently done Alicat! Meter is very much improved but I see one line that is out of meter.

"My Satiate dances now with Death"

There is an extra syllable to this one line. Would removing the word "now" be acceptable to you?

I am perhaps nitpicking I know, but 'tis just that line keeping this from pantoum perfection.

------------------
Now and forever, my heart hears ~one voice~.
DreamEvil©

Alicat
Member Elite

since 1999-05-23

Posts 4094
Coastal Texas

13 posted 1999-10-20 02:33 PM

Eternal Love -- Halloween Pantoum

My lover true will never die
She draws her final shuddered breath
Her rosy cheeks give birth to lie
My Satiate dances with Death

She draws her final shuddered breath
Her cheeks still full of rosy hue
My Satiate dances with Death
She quickly cools before my view

Her cheeks still full of rosy hue
I know I'll never let her go
She quickly cools before my view
But no one ever needs to know

I know I'll never let her go
As she was such a pretty lass
But no one ever needs to know
She's underneath the table glass

As she was such a pretty lass
She'll stay with me until the end
She's underneath the table glass
And I can always play pretend

She'll stay with me until the end
Her rosy cheeks give birth to lie
And I can always play pretend
My lover true will never die

Alicat's rough draft, #3

*just having some probs with regional pronounciation*

hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius

since 1999-07-05

Posts 10750
Glen Hope, PA USA

14 posted 1999-10-20 08:57 PM

I myself thought it was better with the "with" in there Alicat, maybe we should ask the teacher??
OH NAN.....

Skyfyre
Senior Member

since 1999-08-15

Posts 1906
Sitting in Michael's Lap

15 posted 1999-10-20 10:46 PM

Hee hee ... you two need to have these framed and hang them on the wall next to that striped mounted bass Satiate mentioned in her poem ...

This is perfect ... and DE was right about the syllable count, but now the meter is off in that line ... assuming that you are pronouncing "Satiate" with its full three syllables, how about "My Satiate cavorts with Death" or somesuch..?

Just a suggestion ...

Nocht

------------------
"Nunc lento sonitu dicunt, morierus"
(Now as I hear this bell tolling softly for another, it says to me, "Thou must die.")

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

16 posted 1999-10-20 10:46 PM

I prefer it with "with"..... It's simple -
I just abbreviate Satiate. I know she won't mind - I read her as SA-tchet and make her two syllable instead of three - She was too tall anyway...

Nicole
Senior Member

since 1999-06-23

Posts 1835
Florida

17 posted 1999-10-20 11:01 PM

ROFL...too tall?!

Ladycat

Senior Member

since 1999-07-05

Posts 782
At the edge and a doorway,TX

18 posted 1999-10-20 11:38 PM

Now why you want to go and put her under glass for. She is not a pheasant. Nicely written.. I think that Satiate gave you the advice that I was going to give you.
Love,
Lady

DreamEvil
Member Elite

since 1999-06-22

Posts 2396

19 posted 1999-10-22 04:43 AM

As I said, I am nitpicking and something of a purist as I do not concern myself with dialect as much as dictionary.

------------------
Now and forever, my heart hears ~one voice~.
DreamEvil©

[This message has been edited by DreamEvil (edited 10-22-1999).]

Nicole
Senior Member

since 1999-06-23

Posts 1835
Florida

20 posted 1999-10-22 10:28 AM

I think that's an interesting point you have DE, and one that could be well debated. If I were to write a poem, and use the stresses given in a dictionary...the meter would sound off to hundreds of thousands of people who speak in a different dialect than I do. So, does that make me right, because I looked it up in the dictionary...or is it right for my poem cause I was the one who wrote the poem? I believe in the latter. His poem is damn near perfect, save for maybe one or two spots where he pronounces things *differently* than you or I do. I think he should leave it as it is...and would love to hear it read!

Munda
Member Elite

since 1999-10-08

Posts 3544
The Hague, The Netherlands

21 posted 1999-10-23 06:30 AM

LOL, I sure am not one to give advise to anybody. I liked all of them, Alicat, althought I liked the second version most. : )

WhtDove
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-22

Posts 9245
Illinois

22 posted 1999-10-31 01:57 PM

Skyfyre
Senior Member

since 1999-08-15

Posts 1906
Sitting in Michael's Lap

23 posted 1999-11-03 10:30 AM

LMAO -- now THAT'S love!

Very funny little ditty you have here, Alicat.

--Kess

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You cannot choose the way of your death, but the path you choose will determine its own end.

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