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A home without a wall, |
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| Poetry Workshop |
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Despair |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration 
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Ok, well the dog ate all my excuses, so I guess I have to turn in my homework...(notice Nan, that I capitalized the first letter in every line???)  Despair It flails me with its might, Dark voice from deep within. My fate succumbs to blight. No future promise bright. And as I'm drenched in sin, It flails me with its might. I'm weak yet still I fight. But ‘gainst my evil kin, My fate succumbs to blight. No peaceful end in sight, Nor view of where I've been. It flails me with its might, And turns me from hope's light. Now drowning ‘neath dank fen, My fate succumbs to blight. As symphonies of night, Do beckon to heart's end, It flails me with its might. My fate succumbs to blight. [This message has been edited by Christopher (edited 10-09-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 C.G. Ward - All Rights Reserved | |||
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DreamEvil Member Elite
since 1999-06-22
Posts 2396 |
Lovely sentiments my friend, brought a smile to my face it did. Syllable count is maintained, tone-deaf so don't ask about meter. Content, refer to the above. ------------------ Now and forever my heart hears ~one voice~. DreamEvil© |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Well, you've certainly succeeded, Christopher. Your format is perfect, your rhyme scheme works - and you've maintained a completely woeful theme throughout.... The only adjustment I'd make would be in line 8. I'd omit either the word "But" or the "a" in "against" - That's why you have the apostrophe, no doubt - to maintain your meter (gotta beat the system somehow).. Even your punctuation is all right. Nice work, Christopher..... |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Wow Christopher, very nicely done....how can such darkness be in your writing with love in your life ------------------ Man can not discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore. |
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Starith Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 176Leesburg, FL USA |
Christopher, this is beautifully exacuted. It seemed to flow smoothly, but I was to captivated by the poem itself to notice. And I will stand with Dream on the meter part and leave it be. Since I know you wirte some drak poems like this I would just like to steer you in the direction of my poem please. I would really like opinions from poets like yourself, Michael and Dream on it. Thanks guys. Star ------------------ We are only truly apperciated after we are no more! |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH! Well, now. @#%$ I'm afraid Nan is 100% correct. (ARRGH again.) It appears that an instant spell checker is not always a good thing. Nan- note the apostrophe and believe me when I say that is was meant to be "'gainst." But Word Perfect being what it is, it automatically changed it to "against" believing that I spelled it incorrectly. My fault for not going back and reading it over! Ooops! Thank you everyone! [This message has been edited by Christopher (edited 10-09-1999).] |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
...LOL I knew that... |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Dark ... well executed, and enjoyable to read ... the flow is good ... the meter is good as well ... I can now see how apt the line "it flails me with its might" is ... well done, Christopher. Nocht |
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Michael
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-13
Posts 7666California |
Sure Chris...I believe you...*rolling eyes*, yawning...sighing. Anything you say. ------------------ Michael Anderson When God puts a tear in your eye, He puts a rainbow in your heart. |
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Nicole Senior Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 1835Florida |
Ok...I see how you are...grumbling and pouting at the end of my thread and now *look* at what comments are left for me to use here?! Christopher, this was beautiful and uplifting and just made my heart soar!!!  ..hehehe..ok, kidding.Actually, no, this is excellent...but I expect nothing less from you (spelling 'errors' and all..don't try and blame them on your puter!) [This message has been edited by Satiate (edited 10-10-1999).] |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Wow. And I used to think I was a dark writer... fantastic. Perfect - I know! I used the P word, but it truly applies here! |
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