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A Sonnet (I think, I hope)
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A Sonnet (I think, I hope) |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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You thrust the knife, Rejection, and my scream Rose as you turned the jagged edges deep, A stream of pain flowed from the wound; I'd weep While deep-hued scarlet stained skin pale as cream, As you withdrew the blade, my self-esteem And ego, bruised and battered, fell to sleep, To let the wound begin to close and keep My sense of self from falling to extremes. Sanguine, phlegmatic are what I had been, Now I did fear I'd be forever changed, Intrinsic traits of mine, the total sum, Would melan-choleric color me then? My reason, judgement, are no more estranged, So hypocritical that blade's become. Kris < !signature--> the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 05-18-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Gene Senior Member
since 2000-01-23
Posts 935Colorado, USA |
Kris, This is a wonderful sonnet, almost perfect meter and rhyme, but I would question just a few things: The words 'sanguine', 'color' and 'longer'--I think the accent should be on the first syllable. As an Italian sonnet, line 14 should rhyme with line 11. If you have line breaks, then the last three lines should be together. --- These are minor things. Basically, you did a great job. ~Gene |
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pandora Member
since 1999-07-26
Posts 184 |
warmhrt... you've captured pain, anguish, dispair, anger, love, and bitterness all in a well crafted piece... the only question i have is in regards to the last two lines... in a sonnet, aren't those two lines supposed to rhyme? well done!! |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Thank you, Gene, for a very helpful critique. I will try to fix those items you mentioned if possible. I sincerely appreciate your reading and comments. Pandora, Thank you also for reading and commenting. The last two lines rhyme the same in a Shakespearian or English sonnet...this is an Italian sonnet, and the rhyme scheme is much different. Thanks again, Kris< !signature--> the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 05-10-2000).] |
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pandora Member
since 1999-07-26
Posts 184 |
send me to the corner! i didn't do my homework and study the different types of sonnets... LOL Great work, loved this! |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
No, Pandora, I will not put you in the corner. Instead you will have to keep an eye on jbouder, Poertree, and Not a Poet. Quite mischieious lads they are. Kris< !signature--> the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 05-10-2000).] |
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Gene Senior Member
since 2000-01-23
Posts 935Colorado, USA |
Kris, Very nicely done, but I still think 'sanguine' (you misspelled it) and 'color' should be accented on the first syllable--that's what the dictionary says.  I still like it, though. ~Gene |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Gene, I fixed what I could, but those two words must stay. Many immortal sonnets are not in perfect meter, so I think I could get away with these two tiny, almost unnoticable breaks in the meter....do you think? Thanks for your help, Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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StarrGazer Senior Member
since 2000-03-05
Posts 679Texas |
Warmheart, this is great , I can't say the meter and stuff is right I'm just learning that myself but this was an excellent read and I really enjoyed it !!  |
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Gene Senior Member
since 2000-01-23
Posts 935Colorado, USA |
Kris, Yeah, that's why they call it 'poetic license.' You're probably refering to Shakespeare's sonnets. When I first read them, I couldn't believe what I was seeing...9,11 and 12 syllable lines? Actually though, since language was much different in those days, it does work out to being proper meter. For example, take the word "striped", we would say it as one syllable, but in Shakespeare's time, it would have been written like "stripe'd" and pronounced as stripe-ed. Differrent dialects would change things too. In Shakespeare's time, you could travel only 20 miles and the dialect might be totally different. My ex-wife was from North Dakota and raised speaking German. She still pronounces it like stripe-ed. ~Gene [This message has been edited by u_gene (edited 05-11-2000).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Starr, Thank you so much for reading and for taking the time to comment. I'm glad you enjoyed reading it. I again want to commend you on the fantastic improvement in your second sonnet. Nice work! Kris Gene, Yep, I use a heck of a lot of that "poetic license", and I sure am glad it's there. Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Kris, I am a stickler for rhyme and meter, and what I truly admire about this sonnet, is that it flows so well, and is not in the least broken up by forced rhyme or meter. It reads very smoothly, like the melody of a sonnet. Very well done.In fact EXCELLENT! Liz |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Liz, Coming from one who writes structured verse so often and so well, your positive comments mean very much to me. Thank you so very much. Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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