»
Main Forums
»
Poetry Workshop
»
My Sonnet (I think): End of Summer
| Poetry Workshop |
|
My Sonnet (I think): End of Summer |
|
|
StarrGazer Senior Member
since 2000-03-05
Posts 679Texas 
|
Ok you guyz here is my attempt I'm not sure about the iambic pentameter part of it so any advice is welcome  End of Summer When time doth change to leaves of faded crimson And they soft green grass a brittle brown hue When I feel the first stirs welcoming autumn Powdery white frost replaces morning's sweet dew Nature begins to awaken, to come alive Sultry heat now becomes soothing and cool Animals gather what they need to survive As we chop logs, our furnace fuel Squirrels scury to and fro, geese take flight Trees stand leafless barren and old The days begin to shorten early comes the night The wind whispers to us warning of cold As creatures prepare for winter's slumber Thus announcing the end of summer Mystical being which makes ink flow Surround me in your incandescent glow Fill my brain with thoughts and rhyme As I try to capture but a moment in time ~Shan~ |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Shan Crider - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Gene Senior Member
since 2000-01-23
Posts 935Colorado, USA |
Starr, You have the makings for a wonderful sonnet. The rhyming pattern is perfect. Unfortunately, the meter is all off. Try to think of the meter beat (da-DUM) like a heartbeat or a wave pattern on an oscilloscope. Start with a downbeat and end the line on an upbeat. There should be 5 da-DUMS per line the da on the downbeat and DUM on the upbeat (accented syllable). For example: Your first line is perfect, except for the last word. When time doth change to leaves of faded da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM da In the above line there would only be room left at the end for a one syllable word which would have to be a DUM. So crimson won't work. The word red would work, but then you'd have to change your rhyming pattern. The reason crimson won't work at the end of a line is that the word would be a DUM-da. The end of a line has to end with a DUM. Basically, try to have 10 syllables per line. your first line has 11. This is not always the case though. Sometimes you might want to set the meter so that it's more pleasing to the ear. For example: I always have trouble with the word 'memories' It's three syllables (DUM da DUM), but it sounds awkward as three syllables and to my ear, really thows a sonnet off. Most people pronounce it like two, 'memries' (DUM da) Here's an example below, which sounds better to you? (In the first line below, if you pronounce 'memories' as two syllables, which most people would, then it doesn't flow. Although, the meter and syllable count are perfect, it doesn't sound good and trying to pronounce it as three syllables really sounds awkward--even though it's correct. In the second line, if you pronounce 'memories' as two syllables, then it flows--all I did was add the word 'the' Technically, it's wrong according to the syllable count, but it sounds better and if you consider 'memories' two syllables, then it does work out as 10 syllables). My memories taste sweetest served with love. My memories tase the sweetest served with love. --- Take a look at pandora's sonnet. She treats the word 'toward' as one syllable and the word 'visualize' as three syllables. It works perfectly, although technically it's wrong. I think it was a good call on her part. ----- I hope I haven't totally confused you.  ~Gene [This message has been edited by u_gene (edited 05-08-2000).] |
||
|
StarrGazer Senior Member
since 2000-03-05
Posts 679Texas |
ok thanks Gene ... I knew the da DUMS would get me but your explanation helps out alot 10 syllables huh ? looks like I have to totally start over who knew poetry could be so challenging but so much fun at the same time ? hehe this time I thinkI'l write the lines using your example and skip a line so I can go back and put lil da DUMS under the words lol ... thanks again for your help |
||
|
pandora Member
since 1999-07-26
Posts 184 |
Starrgazer- this is a really lovely piece... and although it doesn't fit exactly into the syllables for iambic pentameter, keep it like it is... it might not be a perfectly structured sonnet, but it's a very fine poem! |
||
|
StarrGazer Senior Member
since 2000-03-05
Posts 679Texas |
Pandora, thanks it turned out really well I think sonnet or not, and have already decided to write a completely new attempt at sonnet because of the fact that I like this one as it is back to the trenches LOL have to get this iambic pentameter down but thanks for your comments on my poem |
||
|
Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
OK, StarrGazer... Read all the stuff above about meter - and here's a suggested rewrite - but remember - this is your poem - you don't have to take suggestions... I'm just taking a nip and tuck for a sonnet's meter's sake...  When time doth change to crimson faded leaves And soft green grass is brittle brown in hue; When first I feel the stirring autumn breeze White powdered frost replaces morning's dew. As nature wakens coming forth alive The sultry heat becomes a soothing cool. And animals store needs for their survive As we chop logs, our furnaces to fuel. While squirrels scurry, geese take flight And leafless trees stand barren, stark and old, with shorter days so early comes the night The whispering wind is warning us of cold. For winter's slumber creatures all prepare The end of summer's thus announced its fare. [This message has been edited by Nan (edited 05-11-2000).] |
||
|
Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Starrgazer I agree with Gene, you did have the makings of a wonderful sonnet, and from Nan's revision, you can see how beautiful a sonnet really is when you stick to the iambic pentameter. It sounds like a song. Your sonnet was already written. It was just a matter of switching around the phrases to make it fit into a mold. This is beautiful Liz |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
