Unseeing Eyes(extended metaphor)pls help---not sure if i did this right?:)

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Unseeing Eyes(extended metaphor)pls help---not sure if i did this right?:)

kaile

Member Ascendant

since 2000-02-06

Posts 5146
singapore

0 posted 2000-04-19 01:03 PM

Unseeing Eyes

I may not be able to see
brown hares hopping happily
on lush green pastures
I may not be able to marvel
at the freshly-baked orange sun
popping out gloriously from
shimmering blue waters
I may not be able to be mesmerized
by fluffy white clouds
flitting across the sapphire sky
I may not be able to stare in awe
at yellow dignified sunflowers
dancing gently to the breeze
with red thorny roses
I may not be able to perform
my joyful little dance
as little pink cherry blossoms
fall and caress me
I may not be able to admire
the gloomy black sky
while brilliant white flashes
paint its bold strokes
But still i have no regrets at all
For I'm glad that i am
a colour blind bat
who can savour
the warmth emanating from
your love

Munda
Member Elite

since 1999-10-08

Posts 3544
The Hague, The Netherlands

1 posted 2000-04-19 04:47 PM

Kaile, I think you did very well and I think this is wonderful !

sweetchild
Junior Member

since 2000-04-19

Posts 37

2 posted 2000-04-20 03:31 PM

WOW!! Great feeling. Such a nice little thought

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

3 posted 2000-04-24 07:43 PM

Hi kaile,

You've done a good job with your use of metaphor in this work, with your "sapphire skies", your "baked orange sun" - and more.

You've written the poem as though you're a color-blind bat - that's good too..

The only suggestion I would make, is that you can remove the references to "I"... Let your reader make the correlation between you and your character... It makes the metaphor more "extended".

Nice one..

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